To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

[Complex4]

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

My fil did this to my husband after we retired. He bought the house is now renting ot out and we moved 3600 miles away. Dh hasn't spoken to his father since. Its been 6 years and this man has no idea that he has a granddaughter or a greatgrandchild

Well, as with everything, it depends on how it’s done.

But my parents do this - offering ‘gifts’ with massive strings attached. ‘We’ll give you some money towards your wedding IF you get married where we want you to get married.’ ‘We’ll give you some money towards a house IF it has space for us to come and stay and our names are on the deeds and it’s in an area we like.’

We just decline offers now. It took us a while to realise what they were doing - that they were using ‘gifts’ as a means of exerting control. Once we realised, we started declining and it’s been very liberating actually.

As for the comments about expecting from parents. The issue is a nice house, which now cost 700k could be bought on a teacher’s salary with Sahp and kids in the 70’s. Now not the case. And that teacher will have to pay their student loan back. No such thing as grants and zero fees. So yes, millennials need a leg up if possible.

I don’t think this is a big deal, having been on the receiving end of a few of these offers. I live far away from my parents, I know the offer has always been on the table for some financial support in purchasing something in their home city but they would never contribute to the house we bought here. I mean, take it or leave it - I don’t find it particularly manipulative it’s just their choice 🤷🏼‍♀️. I suppose my answer might be different if I didn’t have sufficient funds to buy my own house.

Would you like to come on a 5 star all expenses holiday to Antigua with us?'
'You fucking controlling bastard! You know I hate Antigua and would not want to come on holiday with you anyway.

Inviting someone on holiday really isn't very similar to trying to influence where they live, and by extension their jobs and their children's schools etc.

And it's not about where the power is. Of course the adult child can say no. It's about the parents showing that they want to choose where the adult child lives, and using their financial clout to do so.

This thread is a fascinating sociological snapshot of millennials.
Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

But housing was much more affordable for previous generations. That is the difference.

I don't expect any money from my parents towards a house, but I am going to move far away from them to afford to do so comfortably in an area we want to raise our children in. I have suggested that they could follow us if they wish to be closer to us and the grandchildren, which they won't as they don't want to move.

Another relative has gifted their child a significant chunk towards a home as they want them to have the option of staying in the same region, something that they could not afford to do otherwise (they are actually in the same career as their parent, but the huge huge rise in house prices mean that the salary doesn't go far, whereas their parent easily bought a nice house at a younger age).

I have never met a millennial who has an expectation that their parent will give them money, but I have met several who stay in an expensive area that they can't really afford in order to stay close to their parents as they get older. Perhaps renting long-term as they are priced out of buying, despite good jobs.

I've also met people who say their parents are really upset when they say they plan to move away to a cheaper area. But most people can't afford to buy in the areas that their parents live in. So, they have different options.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined

Why do you think this? Is it just a hunch or is it based on fact! (If so from where?) I think helping out children has always been something parents did. I don’t know but I wonder if previous generations were more likely to get jobs through family. Either working for family businesses or getting jobs through family contacts.
With sky high house prices, less availability of mortgages and parents often sitting on hundreds of thousands of pounds in equity/final salary pensions etc it’s hardly surprising some parents want to help their kids to get on the housing ladder. Also, the way inheritance tax works these days incentivizes parents to give money to their kids while they are still alive rather than handing it over to the tax man once you are dead. I’m not sure this is special snowflake situation but more one of being practical.

I think helping out children has always been something parents did.

Yes of course they did. Our entire society, much of our literature and some of our government is based on the idea that things are passed on down the family line.

We got no help, but MIL was happy that “you’re all home, it’s nice to have you all in Kent” because we moved to the same county in SE England after living abroad. It was temporary. We moved to the SW.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

What a sweeping statement! I'm nearly 50 and know plenty of people my age (including myself) who were helped financially by their parents.

I am giving my D's £5k next summer and he is moving 150 miles away. It is where he wants to be and we want him to be happy. We would never try to clip his wings. We are glad he lived at home as long as he did. We will travel to see him every 8 or 10 weeks. He will travel to see us when he wants to.

Thing is, though, the PIL are being totally upfront about it, aren't they? As mentioned elsewhere, the offspring don't have to take the money. It just makes the PIL look desperate.

@merrymouse

I think helping out children has always been something parents did.

Yes of course they did. Our entire society, much of our literature and some of our government is based on the idea that things are passed on down the family line.

I don't know about the government but parents usually do help their children as much as they can. Big or little depends on their own financial status but whatever it is, be it several thousand pounds or carpet and curtains, it is always welcome and appreciated.

To add: the help should be unconditional.

Wow! Control freaks much?

Obviously very controlling - and there's nothing to say that their children wouldn't move away later. Location of house also limits the jobs you can take, the schools you can use etc. Do the parents live in a retirement area? This wouldn't be attractive to a young family.

Very controlling

I haven’t read the full thread but IMO gifts come with ribbons not strings

It is controlling. You can have a house paid for if you live near me. Thought processes maybe are ...that way I can enjoy the grandchildren, maybe give a bit of childcare support and the family will be around to help me when I get older.

I do understand the point of view of the person offering the financial support though. Old age can be scarey, especially facing it alone and it's natural to hope for some family around you.

However this kind of emotional blackmail isn't going to turn out well. It would be better for the older person holding the purse strings to offer a much smaller amount towards a house deposit, with no conditions if they want to help. That way they can keep most of their savings to buy in help when they need it...cleaning, shopping, taking them out ext. If it turns out the family end up living near, great and the family would not be expected to do more than they want to. If the family live away the old person has the means to be independent.

Could it be the case that the parents live in an expensive area and if their children want to live near them they will help financially ....it only takes a bit of editing for the message to change to “I will only help you buy a house if you come and live near me “

Two sides to every story and then there is the truth

Very manipulative imo. This happened to an acquaintance and they are now NC with their parents. It all got very messy when the marriage broke down and half the money tied up in the house became the ex spouses. Lots of resentment and I’ll feeling resulted in a massive falling out.
You either do something nice for your kids or you don’t, but putting conditions on anything will only cause resentment.

I wanted to YABU but actually, it's their money and the whole situation is optional.

If you need the money and you love your granny it's a win win situation, if you don't then don't take up the offer.

By you, I mean the royal you, not you specifically.

Can't believe I am reading this - what a strange idea!

All the financial help I have given my AC has been without strings.

This is called "Entrapment". It's financial abuse, manipulation and psychological abuse. Holding money over your children's heads and denying them that financial support if they don't do what you say? It's almost a form of domestic abuse, financially so.

I would turn my back on this family member, politely decline the money and walk away.

As a parent they should love their children unconditionally enough to treat them all equally, no matter where they live.

I find this absolutely disgusting.

What would happen if they bought the house for cash and the kids moved in 12 months? I don’t know what to vote really! I’d probably take the money (ruthless) and if they started doing my head in then I’d move.