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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

221 replies

Complex4 · 05/09/2020 07:01

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

OP posts:
upsidedownwavylegs · 05/09/2020 09:49

There are as many answers to this question as there are people. Every family has its own dynamic, and within that each individual has their own perception of a situation like this.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2020 09:50

The fact that the parents have little going on in their lives is what would be a red flag for me. In my experience these tend to be the difficult and demanding grandparents. It's sad because the best grandparents are those who have their own lives and interesting things to talk about with the grandkids.

Trikc · 05/09/2020 09:51

I suppose they are being up front about it. I wouldn't do it but I understand why they want to. Practically I'm not sure how it would work. What about jobs and schools etc? Would there be anything in writing?

The parents are being honest so I don't think it's as outrageous as it first sounds.

Russellbrandshair · 05/09/2020 09:52

The fact that the parents have little going on in their lives is what would be a red flag for me

My thoughts exactly. I think the financial help would be wheeled out every time they wanted to visit but the kids were busy with other things. Eg “why can’t I come round every Saturday? I PAID for your house” etc

monkeyonthetable · 05/09/2020 09:52

I think that is a grossly manipulative thing to do which will backfire. Instead of sharing their wealth with their children so they can embark on their adult lives, they are hoarding it and putting really limiting conditions on it.
If I were them, I'd buy outright a really lovely small house nearby. Make it cosy and welcoming and say it is for the family to stay in when they visit - eg at Christmas or school holidays. It could also be used if anyone has a life crisis - divorce or ill health etc. That way, it becomes so convenient to visit the elderly parents. No one is treading on anyone's toes, young children can stick to eating and bedtime routines but the days can be spent in each other's company.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/09/2020 09:54

It's an offer, not a command. Provided the parents aren't being passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative then it's just a more expensive version of picking the holiday you want to go on and inviting the family to join you for free. The family can do it if they want and not if they don't want.

My grandfather did this for his children, not in quite the same way because he gave them parcels of land to build on (he had about 80 acres). Then they got their own mortgages to build their houses and a few years later my grandfather paid off the mortgages (his children didn't know he was going to do that so they didn't go mad and only built what they could afford at the time). It worked out well, my cousins and I could walk across the fields to visit our grandparents without our parents, and we did do that a lot, so we had a great relationship with them. It worked out especially well for my grandmother as my grandfather died quite young, in his sixties, and my grandmother then lived alone for another 30 years but had family close by.

ClinkyMonkey · 05/09/2020 09:56

The way the OP is worded sounds as if the parents are being controlling. The notion of assessing just how close the house is sounds pretty extreme. 'No, sorry, can't help you. That house is outside my catchment area. Maybe try this one.'

Of course they can do whatever they want with their money and it is up to their children whether or not they want to avail of the offer. But I can't help but think that this is not an isolated incident. Parents don't usually go from unconditional support of their children to adding strings. Only the children themselves will know all the intricacies - if there is a history of controlling behaviour etc. And, going by my own experience, there will be a variety of responses. One child who will accept the offer because they don't know or care that they are being manipulated (often the youngest). One who will accept the offer, knowing that further down the road they can sell up and move out of their parents' radar. And one who will say 'Keep your money. It's not worth it'. This is assuming there are three children, just for the purposes of my predictionsGrin

CherryPavlova · 05/09/2020 09:57

It would depend on exactly what the deal was. It sounds overly controlling but if the family wanted to be close and couldn’t afford the area without help, it might be fine. Depends whether it’s assistance or a condition.
I’d not be funding my own children to move to Australia, to be honest. They chose where to live and happened to want to be within about 30/45 minutes - which feels like the perfect distance. They couldn’t have afforded to do that without help. That’s not about us controlling but about us supporting their wishes. If they’d decided on Stoke on Trent or Blackpool, they’d not have needed help.

There is an issue if the parents are dependent on the children for a sense of belonging and identity.

Ava2323 · 05/09/2020 10:09

This is dangerous.

My DM gave us some money to help buy a flat after DF died and she inherited some life insurance.

We moved a couple of times due to work needs and because we wanted to buy a house rather than a flat when we had DC.

We now live further away from her as a result. Even though she was never explicit about the money only being used to fund being near her she was beside herself about us choosing a house further away and tried to guilt trip me into not moving there. It didn't work. What she wanted would have resulted in me commuting 4 hours a day and never seeing DC. But it has cast a dark shadow over everything since and the relationship has almost entirely broken down.

Proceed with caution!

billy1966 · 05/09/2020 10:09

Nobody is forcing those children to accept the money.

It is distasteful though.

If you were their child it might be tempting to accept and move at a later date!

Confrontayshunme · 05/09/2020 10:11

I'd just buy the nearby property then sell it for a place I actually want to live far away from my manipulative mother. Best of both worlds!

BingoGo · 05/09/2020 10:12

I personally don't see anything wrong with it. They want to finance having their family closer. If my MIL offered to pay for our house if we moved back to England and close to where she lives, I'd do it in a heartbeat as DP misses her and we'd happy to move.

YANBU is my vote

Proudboomer · 05/09/2020 10:12

I think this is fine as the parent is being very clear this is offer comes with these strings. Now it is up to the adult children if this is acceptable to them.

TheSunIsStillShining · 05/09/2020 10:15

My parents did this, but with a loan. So we ended up living a few blocks from them and having to pay back the full amount.
I will never do this to my kid!

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 10:18

For those saying its not controlling- I'd be very interested to see how far the parents would go with this. Eg, if you broached the idea of "what if we got a house nearby and then in 2 years decided to move for a job offer? etc" How they respond to this will be VERY illuminating. Because none of us know whats in store in the future- an amazing, life changing job might come up that requires a move. Do they expect you to turn that down?- these things need to be considered.

If they say they want a charge put on the house then that shows how manipulative and controlling they really are because they are then preventing you from actually living your life on your own terms. If this is the case then be prepared for this to go on for ever basically. Every decision you make will be controlled by them because they will always be able to hang the money they gave you over your head and use it as a threat.

tornadoalley · 05/09/2020 10:21

Take the money and the house, and move away after a couple of years. Only if you don't hate the PILs and are desperate to stop renting.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2020 10:31

"They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance."

If they want to drive their children away from them, both geographically and emotionally, then this is as near-perfect a plan as they could ever devise. And it says a lot about the person proposing it, and none of what it says is very nice Sad. Should they implement this plan I think they will regret it. Hugely regret it.

Italiangreyhound · 05/09/2020 10:31

It's not an either or.

They can place any requirements they like but it seems sad that they want to control where their kids live. There are no guarantees they will have a good or close relationship just because their kids live close by. I'd say better to take their own money and invest in making life good where they like, pursing hobbies or holidays, including their kids if they can and if they wish to. Then let their kids choose where to live and stand on their own feet.

Hippee · 05/09/2020 10:33

A neighbour owned the two houses next door to him and gave one each to his oldest 2 DDs. They both sold them and moved to the other side of the country. Presumably once the houses are bought, they can't stop them reselling.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 05/09/2020 10:36

Presumably once the houses are bought, they can't stop them reselling

Technically, you can put a charge on the property meaning that when its sold, their money has to go back to them by law. If they go this far, I think this speaks volumes about their character/motivations.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 05/09/2020 10:39

Tbh, I can see why the parents are setting some ‘strings’ to the gift.
Your friend would need to do a pros and cons list with regard to work, schools... etc.

stoptheworldiwant2getoff · 05/09/2020 10:46

How gross

MeridaTheBold · 05/09/2020 10:56

Isn't this a TAAT? There was this exact scenario on here last week but the grandparents pretended their unhappiness was about a pond rather than the distance.

wafflyversatile · 05/09/2020 11:04

It doesn't suggest a great relationship really. It's understandable to want your children close by of course. Many grandparents feel sad when they live too far away to see them regularly but grown up children need to be free to make their own choices. Either you want to help them or you don't.

It could feasibly be reasonable if they live in the sort of area where grown children would like to stay but have been priced out.

jessstan2 · 05/09/2020 11:05

I think money should be given with no expectations and the people actually look a bit silly and insecure laying down those terms. You'd think they'd have more pride!

However once the house is bought, nothing to stop anyone selling up and moving if they want to.

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