To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

[Complex4]

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

I think it's really grabby PPs suggesting they take the money to buy a house close then sell up and move away.

The PILs don't have to gift any money. They are happy to in the clear understanding that it enriches their lives too by having family closer. Win win all around.

If the adult DC live a long distance away and don't want to move closer because of careers and lives in their new area, that's up to them to decline the generous offer and wait to see if once their beloved Parents pass on, there is any inheritance money as that's the time Adult children usually get gifts.

If it suits them and they are happy with the offer - and it is only an offer- they can choose to accept the gift.

Unless there is a backstory of a whole host of controlling behaviour and unreasonable demands, low contact, and they all have living relationships, then offering to help your adult children purchase a home near you isn't controlling in itself.

*loving relationships I meant not "living"

It's only a problem if there is a history of control that adult children have been trying to get away from and if it includes "you will eat Sunday dinners with us each weekend" etc type deal.

A "please live near us in our twilight years so we can physically manage to keep
In touch without having to travel uncomfortable distances and stay over, and we will enjoy using our money early in this way instead of spending our money on ourselves" is a nicer way of seeing it.

Context is everything.

Although this is not something that I would do to my children (I've got no inheritance or saving anyway), their parents can spend their money however they want. My parents paid for their sons's mortgage and gave them heritance, the girls got nothing. It's not fair but I am expecting my brothers to step in if they need a care home at some point.

Horribly controlling

"I know you want to buy a house and I know you can afford to buy only this in certain areas. If you chose to buy in area Y, close to me, I can offer you £££ towards the costs of the house so you can afford that"
vs
"I know you are desperate to buy a house and I know you cannot afford it. I can pay 50% of the costs or even all of it but only if you buy in area Y, close to me. So it is either this or no house at all".

The first - I find OK. The second - not that much. But yes, it is their money so it is a bit of "you accept the present or you don't, your choice". I have to say that the in-laws offered us help to buy a house if we chose to buy it in a certain catchment. Which we gladly accepted, we could have afforded to buy in other areas without their help, and already seen some houses, had a MIP sorted etc but that particular catchment was out of our reach. So we were happy to accept the conditions which came with the gift and we were very grateful.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable the point I am making is that it is a two way street.
@lazylinguist whether the older people had any thoughts on investment or plain giving the money is not the exact point I was making. There are places in my area I would say were not places to buy property and other places where it would be a good place to buy property. No older person (perhaps parent) would like to see their adult child working all hours to pay for a mortgage (assuming that the money given is only part of the cost of the property) on a property which would perhaps lose money or be unsaleable or mean that the adult children and grandchildren are living in a really bad area.

In the light of this thread I think the best thing for older people to do is keep their own money to themselves. This has been called hoarding but the money could be needed to pay for elderly care at some point. If the older person dies within a certain period the money could be reclaimed by the government.
This whole idea and others similar to this is such a minefield it is probably best to avoid it all.
It is hard to watch people we love in financial straits but in most if not all cases any offer of help causes difficulties.

Agree that gifting with conditions that impact freedom is unreasonable.

Gifts with conditions attached are the worst.

This is my MIL all over.

Child one - you can have the money if you buy a car

Child two - you can have the money if you put it towards a new kitchen

Child three - here you go darling spend it on what you want.

This was the money they’d be left in their father’s will.

Disgusting woman.

It's not really a gift if conditions are placed on it.

This thread is a fascinating sociological snapshot of millennials.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

There seems to be an expectation, running through this thread, that adult children can expect parental financial support until they are settled with children, and sometimes beyond.

SIL virtually had a house built to their specifications by mil as it was on the same road as them whereas we are a hour away and she has never so much as lifted a paintbrush in our house.
Wouldn’t swap with them though, gifts with strings attached aren’t gifts

'If you do what we want, you get the money. If you don't, you won't'.

That's bribery. It's a horrible attitude, and if there are gifts with strings (more like ropes) attached there will be bound to be more obligations further down the line. And more. And more. And they'll undoubtedly become increasingly costly in terms of time and/or emotion.

I'd rather have the freedom to live my life on the terms & geographical location meeting the needs of my family, not the demands of presumptuous relatives.

In terms of AIBU, this is off-the-scale unreasonable. Hard 'no' from me.

Put it the other way round. "Mum, I'd love to live near you but can't afford to" - OK I'll give you £xx to make up the difference so that you can move here to this nice area near me. It is about how it is presented. Has the decision already been made to make the move and the money is a help or is it a bribe?

Yes to this.

I know several friends who would prefer to buy a house in the area they grew up in, where their parents still live, but can't afford to. Instead they are moving away to areas with cheaper house prices.

Their parents are financially well off with spare money, and very sad that they are moving away as they will see their children and grandchildren less. In this case, it would make sense for the grandparents to gift their children some money to enable them to stay local, everyone is happy with the outcome.

On the other hand, your friend may be a controlling person who wants to dictate what her children do. It depends on the context and wider relationship.

This has made quite interesting reading as my DM has half made offers with shades of this, and I've had to be very clear with my boundaries in responding. In her case it's largely driven by an unshakeable belief that it's her children's duty to care for her when she's older. She currently lives near my sibling (deliberate move when she waa widowed) who she has given quite a lot of financial support to, and atm I get the strong impression she feels it's not being "paid back" in terms of time spent together, visits, phone calls, sibling helping her out with practical things and errands etc. So now she's talking about moving to be nearer me, helping us out financially if she buys a cheaper property etc. I would rather not be tied down by someone else's money tbh.

If someone has to be effectively bribed to live close to parents, the close relationship that the parents want/expect obviously isn't there in the first place. If it is the scenario a PP describes above where the children would love to live closer to the parents but can't afford it, that's entirely different. It doesn't sound like it is though.

@larrygrylls

This thread is a fascinating sociological snapshot of millennials.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

There seems to be an expectation, running through this thread, that adult children can expect parental financial support until they are settled with children, and sometimes beyond.

This ^^ in spades

The problem is for a lot of millennials it's the only way to get on the property ladder while we've still got some fertile years left. It's only natural that a lot of parents want to see their kids settled though it does make things less equal for those whose parents don't have this money.

There seems to be an expectation, running through this thread, that adult children can expect parental financial support until they are settled with children, and sometimes beyond

I think this is a bit unfair. We bought our house in 2006 and it was relatively "easy"- just put a lump sum down, noone even checked our payslips/financial details. That would never happen now- they go through your finances with a fine tooth comb. Its MUCH harder to get on the property ladder now and with Covid causing unemployment levels to skyrocket, you cannot possible compare getting a mortgage today with getting a mortgage 15+ years ago. They are not remotely comparable.I now people who work 60 hours a week and still dont qualify for a mortgage.

I think it’s a disgusting condition to receiving help. They’d be happy for their children to live somewhere that may make them unhappy just because they couldn’t afford a home otherwise? I wouldn’t accept the offer and I’d move as far away as I could get from the controlling idiots personally.

That is so stupid, they can just sell the house near your relative and use the money to buy a house far away, which they will inevitably want to do with someone so controlling.

Snuggly and Alexis,

I agree that it is harder to get on the property ladder and that, if parents can help, it can be very useful. But, however tough things are, as an adult you cannot demand cash from your parents.

If they are kind enough to offer, you have a choice in taking the money and negotiating conditions (if any) with your parents or not taking the money.

What you don’t have the right to do is slag people off for offering money if some conditions are attached. You have a choice that most do not have and should be thankful for that.

@larrygrylls

This thread is a fascinating sociological snapshot of millennials.

Previous generations just would not expect anything from parents and any offer would have been either jumped on or graciously declined.

There seems to be an expectation, running through this thread, that adult children can expect parental financial support until they are settled with children, and sometimes beyond.

Ok Boomer.

It’s not a gift is it, it’s a bribe and manipulative. As for people saying it’s a win win, well it’s not really, it’s taking advantage of being in a position of power (by having a large amount of money someone else needs) to manipulate someone into doing something that benefits you. She knows they need the money so they can get on the property ladder and she’s taking advantage of that to get them to live closer to her when she knows they don’t want to.

They have two choices imo, take the money, buy the house then sell and move (would serve her right imo) or turn her offer down and realise that she’s controlling and only has her own interests at heart, as I can’t see how anyone could argue that manipulating someone into buying a house somewhere they don’t want to live is acting in their interests.

It’s the same as family offering to pay for a wedding, but only if they can choose the venue/guest list etc. It’s not a gift at all, it’s using money to have control over someone and something .

But, however tough things are, as an adult you cannot demand cash from your parents

Ok, firstly, who here is "demanding" money? I havent seen OP say anywhere that anyone is "owed" money- could you link to someone saying they demand money from their parents please...

Secondly, you absolutely can slag people off for having dysfunctional and manipulative conditions because its deeply unhealthy and can cause all kinds of resentments and relationship issues further down the line. Part of being a parent is accepting that your children will grow up to have their own lives and will make their own choices. Offering "help" only when it aligns with your view of how they should be living their life is not only controlling but it also shows a deep lack of care and actual love for the person because you are putting your own interests before theirs. Thats not really what love is.

It's their money and they can do as they see fit.

Financing what makes them happy and not underwriting what doesn't is certainly their right. No one is entitled to parental largess.

There will be consequences but presumably they've factored that in.