To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

[Complex4]

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

I voted YANBU as it’s fine to offer someone financial assistance if you went with your own savings. It’s your money and you can do what you want with it.

However, the children it’s offered to should be able to say ‘no’ without any bad feeling or persuasion or emotional blackmail though if they choose to!

I would suggest that it would only be fair for the person to make the offer to all their duly children and any that don’t take up the offer get the same amount of cash plus interest in the future in the will. So nobody is hard done to and the split is fair.

Anyone that goes for the offer would have to make it clear to other siblings that this does not mean they are taking on the burden of caring for them as that will need split equally.

I'm baffled at the idea that it can't be controlling if the dc don't accept the money. Is a partner who tries to stop you from seeing friends or family or going out without him or wearing clothes he doesn't approve of not a controlling person unless you do exactly what he says? It's the desire and attempt to control that makes someone controlling, not the response and actions of the person they are trying to control.

They can offer the help (with conditions) and the children can accept or refuse. I don't see a problem and would never compare it to a controlling/abusive relationship as nothing bad is threatened. As long as their relationships stay the same regardless of the outcome, I'm OK with it.

I don’t really see it as that awful.

The parents will get huge pleasure out of children living close by and therefore are willing to ease the financial cost of a house if they get something out of it.

A little selfish, yes. But aren’t we all? It’s their money and they can gift it as they please.

I assume if their children live close they will also help out more in their parents old age.

The children should chose where will suit them best, they don’t have to live close by, there is just some help available if they do.

I don't see a problem and would never compare it to a controlling/abusive relationship as nothing bad is threatened.

I didn't really intend to compare it to an abusive relationship, I was just trying to point out that the selfishness or manipulative nature of someone's behaviour is not determined by whether the other person capitulates.

I assume if their children live close they will also help out more in their parents old age

Presumably that's the PIL's thinking.

Of course its manipulative, controlling and horrible. You know that surely?

They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them.

I would recommend this character spend some of othe money building up their own life and interests and interact with their family as a mutual enjoyment rather than a dependency.

I wonder if the person or people who are gifting the money towards house purchase are older. If they are it may be that they are experienced in the property market and know which places it is good to buy property in and which would not be a good investment. It could be that they want the adult children to buy in good areas which are wise investments.
Equally, if PP think it is controlling of the people who are offering financial help is it not also controlling of the adult children to expect to tell the older people where they are planning to invest the money given to them by others.

It depends on how local is defined. Same street, neighbourhood, town or just the area and next town??? Also, where the children work and other family members live.
Is this arrangement going to work both ways? Potential childcare v elderly care.
There are to many questions unanswered! On an other note, I just drove 600 odd miles as my very elderly grandparent is not well and my mum needs some support to see her through this difficult time. There are times when having family close does benefit everyone.

And I thought my manipulative, narcisstic mother was bad!

I picked YANBU because at the end of the day it’s their money and they can add any conditions they want.

However, their kids would be stupid to take the money. In fact if I was their child, not only would I not take the money, I would move even further away. I would also not allow them to give my kids/their grandkids any extravagant gifts which could be used as sources of blackmail and manipulation later down the line.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

They are entitled to do what they like with their money. However I presume that they are this controlling in other aspects of their childrens lives and they will soon find that using this type of conditional support leaves them quite estranged from their family in the long run.

I agree with this. And if they are this controlling, their family won't want to be close to them or visit them much.

@TheBouquets

I wonder if the person or people who are gifting the money towards house purchase are older. If they are it may be that they are experienced in the property market and know which places it is good to buy property in and which would not be a good investment. It could be that they want the adult children to buy in good areas which are wise investments. Equally, if PP think it is controlling of the people who are offering financial help is it not also controlling of the adult children to expect to tell the older people where they are planning to invest the money given to them by others.

Christ. I dont even know where to start with this....

Really tricky. We rent and can’t afford to buy. DH self employed. We cannot buy anywhere commutable to his work (And his family)
So for us our life is here.

If their life is 200 miles away and your moving kids schools etc then it casts a different light.

So it really depends if it’s a move they want of not.

Its up to them the conditions they impose on their financial support, as long as theyre not all pissed off if it isnt taken and the kids move away anyway

Of course they’re entitled to dish out their money as they wish.

However, when housing is so expensive in many areas of the country, IMO any parent who could afford to help and finds reasons not to, is IMO extremely selfish.

Especially when they themselves almost certainly benefited from far cheaper house prices.
I say this as a parent who’s helped both dcs with house purchases.

TheBouquets there is no suggestion in the OP that the parents were doing this as an investment, or that they were trying to give their dc savvy property advice. They were effectively trying to bribe their dc to live near them because they want them nearby.

Wrong on so many levels. You either want to help your adult children or you don’t, putting strings on the cash is manipulative. Don’t be surprised if your adult children take the help but they stop calling you.

I wish my mum would try to ‘control me’ by offering to buy me a house

@Handsoffisback - I can’t afford to both pay part of a house deposit for my sibling and also to pay for my sibling and their family to come on holiday with us.

It’s one or the other, and I want to see more of them plus my nieces, and I want all the kids to spend time together and have good cousin relationships.

So....if they wanted to move to a nicer area/bigger house that was far away from me, and asked me to help out, then I think I’d have to say no. Because that help would be using up my “all holidaying together” budget, so I’d be spending my money to see them less which I don’t want, Does that make sense?

Obviously if they actually needed financial help (as opposed to just wanting something nicer than they can afford) then of course we’d help them out, we have paid for lots of stuff in the past.

I don’t think we know enough about the family dynamics the OP is talking about to know whether the woman in that case is being controlling etc.

I don’t think it’s automatically as terrible as some posters are making out!

Yes, they are trying to be manipulative but that isn't the same as being controlling and certainly nothing like abuse!

It would be better if they had been authentic ie “we can give you £150k towards a house, but you need to live near enough to be able to support us in old age if the need arises. Have a think about it.”

They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance

I have so many questions- what if the child chooses a house 15 mins away but its "not close enough" according to them? how close are they expecting- the same street? 20 mins away? 30 mins away? whats the cut off point.

We all love our families and want to spend time with them (i hope!) but I'd be very concerned that more strings would appear later on. Eg "We bought you that house!- if you dont become a part time carer for your father we want our portion of the money back". The problem is, once you start getting into paying to control your family and it works, they'll wheel out the same strategy every time they want something in the future because they know it worked last time. Its a slippery slope to being a bit of a puppet in my opinion.

I think it would be mean of the kids to take the parents money and do stuff with it that the parent would disapprove of. If you want to do what you want, get your own money.