To only give my adult children significant financial help towards a house if they live where I say?

[Complex4]

This is not my view but that of someone close to me. They are retired and would like their children and grandchildren living close to them. They appear to have very little going on at this stage in their life and family is a huge source of happiness for them. They are planning to offer each child a significant amount of money towards purchasing a house (or even cover the whole cost), but only if it is close to them. If the house isn’t perceived as close enough they do not get any financial assistance. If the poll can be answered as if this was my view please.

YABU = You are being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

YANBU = You are not being unreasonable to place conditions on where the house should be if you provide financial assistance

@GingerWit

This is called "Entrapment". It's financial abuse, manipulation and psychological abuse. Holding money over your children's heads and denying them that financial support if they don't do what you say? It's almost a form of domestic abuse, financially so.

I would turn my back on this family member, politely decline the money and walk away.

As a parent they should love their children unconditionally enough to treat them all equally, no matter where they live.

I find this absolutely disgusting.

It’s really not that bad surely?

Parent wants child to live close. Parent offers adult child help if they will move close by. Adult Child doesn’t want to live in that area so says no thank you?

It’s not entrapment - no tricks involved. It’s not financial abuse if the adult children have the mental capacity to weigh up the pros and cons and make decisions for themselves. It’s not physiological advise, it’s an offer.

Yes, here parents aren’t perfect, but let’s not glow it up into something it clearly isn’t. People suffer horrendous financial and phycological abuse at relatives hands.

An offer of money towards a house in a certain area can be refused.

I agree with most that they shouldn't give a gift of money with strings attached. However, if they have concerns that such a gift could result in their own unhappiness, then perhaps it's best not to give the gift at all.

Incidentally, we gave a substantial cash gift to both our children 6 years ago with absolutely no strings attached. They both used it for deposits on houses locally, which was great. But last year DD and SIL decided to sell their house and rent something instead. The profit they made from the house (including the money we gave them) has all evaporated (?) and now they have no savings. They have now decided to move to the other side of the world (once they have the money to do it). There won't be any more handouts from the bank of mum and dad.

Good god I’m guessing this control will then be continued into our future decisions too

Abysmally wanky imo. Just reeks of manipulation.

Controlling, manipulative, bad parenting and not actually doing what is in their own child’s best interest. I’m quite horrified.

Unless there’s going to be a massive drip feed I do not see how this could ever be reasonable.

Genuinely struggling to see this as unreasonable but I accept I’m in the minority.

No-one has to accept the money or the terms. Children are perfectly able to say no thanks. Parents can do what they want wit their own money.

Saying “we’d love you to live closer to us and we’re prepared to contribute financially to make that possible” - I think that’s entirely reasonable.

If you were the child, whether you accept would depend on your existing relationship with them. Do they have form for unreasonable expectations or expect you to be eternally grateful? Will they expect you to be at their beck and call?

If you have a good relationship and can have an honest conversation about expectations if you accept, then could be great for both. If you can’t talk openly or disagree on expectations then refuse the money.

I would politely decline and buy a house as far away as possible.

They can do what they like with their own money, but it's unlikely to lead to a supportive harmonious family! So not unreasonable, but very unwise.

Unless houses near them are particularly expensive I suppose, in which case helping a child who wants to buy near them to be able to seems fair enough.

I am astonished at how many people think this is unreasonable. I was offered help to buy by my father but he understandably wanted me to buy a property he approved of. It wasn't an issue at all and I didn't think he was being manipulative. I was grateful for his help.

Most sources of money come with terms attached so they can take the money with the terms, or go elsewhere if they dont like them.......but of course you risk alienating them by doing it so have to consider if that is a risk worth taking.

Surely if the parent has that sort of disposable funds available to them, they would be much better off as would the extended family be, if they travelled in comfort and took turns visiting their families where their families are already based?

I cannot see the reason for uprooting children etc from their schools and friendship groups just to please granny or granddad...

On another note, my MIL certainly funded my SILs family life and there was also a late change to her will and who was representing her interests just prior to death. The mechanics behind this was manipulative and calculated by the SIL and she ensured control and access to MIL as much as she could. So totally open to abuse by whose who might accept your friends financial offer...

Don’t like the conditions, they are always free to walk away from the free house. Doubt they will though. Will just complain about how hard done by they are while sitting in a free house

Properly shitty parenting; thinking that because you have the capacity to help out financially that it gives you an element of control over your DC.

We have saved a decent sized sum for our DC when they're ready to leave home. I hope that as adults they'll always come home to us and walk through the door the way they do now, but at no point in their lives do I plan to use a penny of savings to manipulate them.

Parents that manipulate their DC in this way are vile.

If anyone accepted those conditions they would be letting themselves in trouble- they sound like a pair of controlling old codgers.

I had a friend who was going to do this - but actually buy house for DS that she'd chosen. She'd worked out which was 'her' bedroom.
Scary! DS's partner saw the writing on the wall, opted out completely & they separated. Friend is now trying to work a similar number on the latest girlfriend.

If anyone accepted those conditions they would be letting themselves in trouble- they sound like a pair of controlling old codgers

As long as the conditions were to buy a house within a defined area, I would do it. And then rent it out to others. No way would I live in it though. What a shame my plans had to change just after the sale went through..

I'm sure I'll get called grabby, but it wouldn't be about the money. It would be about playing them at their own game.

If the adult children know the 'deal' then nothing wrong with the offer i guess.

My parents gave me money towards my house and i thought they just wanted gratitude but it turns out, i misunderstood. They wanted obedience. They wanted to erode ignore my boundaries, they wanted to out rank me on parenting decisions wrt their grandchildren, they wanted me to respect their right to label me with all of the childhood scripts that serve them at my expense, and finally, the reason we fell out, they wanted the right to do and say very hurtful things and if i reacted in a predictably hurt way, that angered them because my gratitude was supposed to cancel out my own feelings.

"I was offered help to buy by my father but he understandably wanted me to buy a property he approved of"
It's great you agreed with his view but in my view it is not great to help like this. My parents never tried to control any of my decisions. I live abroad. My brother lives locally to them. They helped us both equally (they probably helped me more if anything). I'll do the same with my children. They need to make their own decision based on what would make them happy. Not make the decisions I want them to make to make me happy.

I had this with the ex and the in-laws - everything came with conditions. The TV was bought for us - from a catalogue they wanted to order from and the tv they wanted to give, no regards for what we might want to receive, same with the fridge, the hoover... no regard for if it suits your needs it has to be about them and what they give and then you have to be eternally grateful and constantly tell them how wonderful they are for getting it. Same with the kids gifts - it's about what they decide to give rather than what people would like to receive. They are only giving money to ensure they can keep themselves in their daily lives. It's not about helping them get on the property ladder or create a lovely family home or being close to work - it's about them controlling other people to suit themselves.

Personally it sounds horribly controlling and they will live to regret excepting the offer unless they want to be living in their parents pockets forever. I can see it now - the popping in at the drop of the hat, letting themselves in without letting you know they are even coming (been there!)... wanting it to look a certain way., criticising the way they keep 'their house'.. If anyone has seen Everybody loves Raymond... I can just imagine the MIL is Marie - but worse!

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

I had a friend who was going to do this - but actually buy house for DS that she'd chosen. She'd worked out which was 'her' bedroom. Scary! DS's partner saw the writing on the wall, opted out completely & they separated. Friend is now trying to work a similar number on the latest girlfriend.

This sounds like my ex and his mum! I wonder if they are the same... She had the ok on everything and my opinion on what was in my own house didnt count. Even when we were looking to move some properties were ruled out by the ex before i even saw them because his mum wouldnt like it. She would let herself in unannounced (even though no one was allowed to do that to her), she was eyeing up the spare room.... even suggested my child should have the box room in case 'guests wanted to stay over'. Nope nope and nope.

Nothing good comes of a deal with strings attached.