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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
RantAndDec · 03/09/2020 11:47

It's difficult for you, but I wouldn't. The bride and groom get exactly what they want, and the guests have to make the call whether they fit in with that or not- not the other way round. I would hate the anxiety around this though, so I do get it.

IwishIwasyoda · 03/09/2020 11:47

I think it would be OK to ask. These things always sound great in theory but are excruciating in practice. When we got married i took pains to make sure everyone was sat on a table with someone they knew.

TheHappyHerbivore · 03/09/2020 11:47

Whyyyyyyy would she do this. Nobody wants this!

I think it would be fine to ask if you at least could be seated with family given the needs of your DC. Even if she wants to mix up everyone else, it would be nice if she could make accommodations for you.

Cabinfever10 · 03/09/2020 11:48

I would ask if you and your dc can be sat together rather than your whole group

Bearbehind · 03/09/2020 11:48

I would definitely say something

As ideas go, it’s a totally shit one anyway

Why on earth would anyone think that type of seating plan is a good idea - it’s like some hideous work team building thing that everyone hates

ImaSababa · 03/09/2020 11:48

Just move around when you get there! Ask people to shift tables if necessary. Bride will be so caught up in the day that she won't notice.

Calic0 · 03/09/2020 11:50

The trouble is, if they make accommodations for one then they open the floodgates. This sort of plan only works if everyone is mixed up and it’s completely even handed.

For what it’s worth, I’d find this excruciating. But I think you’d put the couple in a difficult position if you asked.

Mellonsprite · 03/09/2020 11:50

In your circumstances yes I would, it would be in everyone’s best interests for you or family to sit with your child.
Regardless of any SN I would hate this as it’s a dreadful idea!

steppemum · 03/09/2020 11:51

ask. But ask nicely and don't be surprised of she says no.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 03/09/2020 11:51

YANBU - I think it would be entirely reasonable to politely ask to be sat together for the reasons you describe. Especially if they are in the early stages of arranging the wedding.
I personally don’t like the ‘mix everybody up’ idea. Not everyone feels comfortable having to make small talk with a bunch of strangers who they probably won’t ever see again. As you say people often move around anyway to gravitate towards relatives/friends they want to be with.

contrmary · 03/09/2020 11:51

YANBU to hate the mixed up seating idea, it is almost always a disaster.

Only you know how receptive the bride is likely to be though. If she makes an exception for you other people might be pissed off that it's one rule for you and another for them. That said, I bet the bride and groom still sit together, as do their close family.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/09/2020 11:52

I hate getting g sat with people I don't know. A wedding should be fun for everyone not just the bride and groom.

I'd mention it, as its going to make the day so much more stressful for you.

Mellonsprite · 03/09/2020 11:52

If she says no I would express how difficult and unfair it would be on everyone else, only a completely blinkered (being nice here) person wouldn’t understand why this don’t work in these circumstances.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/09/2020 11:52

If you're close then I'd ask as they're already aware of your situation.

Dollywilde · 03/09/2020 11:53

Oh god I hate mixed up seating plans. I adore weddings, and one reason for that is getting to sit at a big table with people I love while eating and being merry (sorry, breaking the MN rule of shitting on weddings there!)

I would absolutely ask, my cousin’s son has autism and when we got married I spoke to her and shared a floor plan of the marquee and asked where would be easiest to seat them. Fingers crossed she’ll be accommodating but ime, people who do the mixed up seating thing tend to have Fixed Ideas about how things will go so I fear she may not be...

singtanana · 03/09/2020 11:53

I get that the bride and groom can have their day as they see fit but it irks me that there’s no consideration that they should also be good hosts. I would explain just as you have in your post here. Any reasonable person would be more than happy to accommodate such a sensible request. I’m sure if they hadn’t thought about it already it’s just been an oversight.

cologne4711 · 03/09/2020 11:54

I also think it's reasonable, if your children have SN you need to be together as a family. Even without SN actually!

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/09/2020 11:54

Don’t make a big deal about it. On the day if your DC can’t cope then shift tables around. The bride and groom will never notice

looseddaughter · 03/09/2020 11:54

What a silly idea - why don't the bride and groom want people to enjoy the day? Definitely ask.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/09/2020 11:54

In your case, I think it’s fine to ask, based on your DC’s issues.

She may have a number of guests who don’t know many or any other guests. It’s difficult being at a wedding in that situation whilst tables of people around you who know each other well laugh and chat, she’s very possibly trying to avoid that awkwardness for them by mixing everybody up, so that everyone has to interact with people they don’t know rather than just those few.

Dollywilde · 03/09/2020 11:55

I get that the bride and groom can have their day as they see fit but it irks me that there’s no consideration that they should also be good hosts.

Couldn’t agree more. I mean, what’s the point of spending all that money if your guests don’t enjoy themselves? I don’t think I could enjoy my own wedding if I didn’t think everyone else was having fun!

Potterpotterpotter · 03/09/2020 11:55

Because your child has SN I would ask.

Crazycrazylady · 03/09/2020 11:57

You cant ask her not to have a mixed seating plan for everyone else but you can absolutely ask her to make an exception for your and your DH so that you can be sat together with your child.
She'd be very unreasonable to have an issue with that.
Everyone else then can be mixed up as she wanted.

Floralnomad · 03/09/2020 11:57

Assuming that you are sat with your children as a family of four and she has just put your family group with a group of the grooms family or their friends then YABU . If she has actually split your family of four group up YANBU .

Rafflesway · 03/09/2020 11:58

Bonkers idea imo!

However, as the mother of a now adult dc with SN, I would most definitely have spoken to her about the difficulties this idea will present to you and your family although understand 🙄 should she not wish to change or make exceptions.

If she refuses to budge I would politely decline. (To be fair I would be declining anyway as I am not good at all in making small talk with strangers in a strictly social environment. Was fine when working as at least you have business in common.)