Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
feistyoneyouare · 03/09/2020 12:57

Why oh why do people do seating plans like this! Yes it's nice to meet new people, but most weddings I've been to have been great opportunities for family and old friends to reconnect, far more important, I'd say!

Normally I'd say bride and groom's day, bride and groom's choice. But in these circumstances I'd say it's worth saying something.

Ginfordinner · 03/09/2020 12:58

@RantAndDec

It's difficult for you, but I wouldn't. The bride and groom get exactly what they want, and the guests have to make the call whether they fit in with that or not- not the other way round. I would hate the anxiety around this though, so I do get it.
I disagree. I think would be unreasonable not to ask. I'm sure she would understand the reasons why.

I also think that mixing people up is a recipe for people not enjoying themselves, but I hold the old fashioned view that weddings aren't just about the bride and groom, but about making guests feel comfortable.

I hate the selfish "my wedding my rules" attitude so prevalent these days.

whiteroseredrose · 03/09/2020 12:58

Ugh I hate this. It seemed to be a thing when people we knew were getting married 20 years ago.

We tried to look as if we were enjoying ourselves but it was really hard.

The first B&G to do it realised how awful it was when they attended another similar wedding later in the year but too late.

Nowadays I'd just decline because nothing is worth it.

In your case I'd ask. You have a really good 'excuse'.

averythinline · 03/09/2020 13:00

Say something early/now if such a close relative then surely you can have a simple conversation...

Being on a mixed table won't work for dc due his needs...

Speak up sooner rather than later the behind the scenes whispering of great aunt etc is really not helpful..

I would much rather people were honest and open if I was the bride...you are responsible for you and your dc noone else if they have problems with the brides plans they have to speak up

MatildaTheCat · 03/09/2020 13:00

I’ve been to several weddings and big dos where the seating was mixed and absolutely hate it. Making small talk with the bride’s former colleague is dismal when there are old friends and relatives at another table that you’re dying to catch up with.

In regards to your DS just ask if you might request to sit with x,y and z to keep him calm and not cause any potential disturbance.

If you feel like a good human being perhaps ask if they’ve asked a few people for their honest opinions on mixed seating since you’ve heard that it’s not always popular.

Chairbear · 03/09/2020 13:05

I would mention it.

Tootsie321 · 03/09/2020 13:06

@contrmary

YANBU to hate the mixed up seating idea, it is almost always a disaster.

Only you know how receptive the bride is likely to be though. If she makes an exception for you other people might be pissed off that it's one rule for you and another for them. That said, I bet the bride and groom still sit together, as do their close family.

What a stupid response.....“I bet the bride and groom still sit together”!! Confused Of course they do, or do you suggest only one of them at the top table? It’s THEIR wedding!

To be honest OP, I don’t think you should ask! It’s their wedding, so their choices. I think it is quite cheeky to want to sit with the 4 relatives you travel with! What would be wrong with the 4 of you at a table with 4 people from other side? Your dc could be sat between you and dh, so wouldn’t need to sit beside, or speak to any of the other guests!

You state how you planned seating at your wedding and that you think the bride and groom shouldn’t have planned the seating the way they want, at their wedding. However, this isn’t your wedding!

You decided the seating plan at yours, they decide the seating plan at theirs. Very cheeky to decide who you should be seated with, when it could be awkward for the bride and groom!

abstractprojection · 03/09/2020 13:07

Just say oh I hope DC will not too much bother at the reception, let the penny drop or her why, and then she’ll make re-arrangements or atleast has been warned and can know how/where you’ll escape too if needed

Most weddings are grin and bear it if you can’t enjoy it

burnoutbabe · 03/09/2020 13:11

i can just about see the point of mixing up say bride siblings and grooms siblings as they will actually have contact going forward (christenings or at least see and hear about each other often)

But mixing brides work colleagues with grooms Uncles? what point is that. neither side will ever see each other again in their lives.

DogInATent · 03/09/2020 13:11

I'm prepared to bet the relevant DC has better social skills than many of the people replying this thread that can't make small talk at a social occasion, and are so desperate to catch-up with family/friends that they apparently never meet or speak except at events someone else has take the trouble to organise.

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 13:12

I can't believe that some people are actually suggesting that I move around the seating plan on the day! I would never even consider doing that!!
Those suggesting that DC should be left at home - why shouldn't they attend the wedding? They would be fine sat with family they know well, asking them to sit with people they don't know is the issue.
Bride has already asked about any dietary requirements for DC - I think the seating is an oversight.
Wedding is a year away so still very early planning stages.
I have sent the bride a message explaining how difficult it would be if dc is on a table with strangers and how strangers could find him difficult. I have asked her to think about it and said that it is of course up to the bride and groom.
If she sticks with this plan I will have to reconsider going but I haven't said that to the bride.

OP posts:
Pheasantplucker2 · 03/09/2020 13:12

I would definitely ask, especially if it's a close relative, who presumably knows your son pretty well.

I was thinking about your seating plan - I don't want SON to get distressed and spoil any of your wedding, so would it be ok if you sit us with Mum/Dad/Great Aunt who will be able to help if he's struggling. He's not good with strangers as you know, so this hopefully means he and we will be able to enjoy your day. So looking forward to it. xx

Billben · 03/09/2020 13:14

It's difficult for you, but I wouldn't. The bride and groom get exactly what they want,

No they don’t. Nobody in their right mind would sit a child with SN away from at least one parent.
It might have been an oversight because the bride knows of OP’s DC’s extra needs so I would definitely ask. If she says no, I wouldn’t be going.

Ginfordinner · 03/09/2020 13:16

To be honest OP, I don’t think you should ask! It’s their wedding, so their choices.

So you don't think that considering the comfort of the wedding guests is important? Hmm

Floralnomad · 03/09/2020 13:18

I wish people would read the actual post , the OP , her OH and the children are seated together as a foursome with four strangers what the OP wants is for her four to sit with another four people that she knows . The bride / groom have not sat the OPs child away from the OP or her OH .

Angelina82 · 03/09/2020 13:21

God I would hate to feel forced to make small talk with people I don’t know and/or necessarily like and would find any excuse to get out of if attending. So no, in your case you would definitely NBU to talk about your concerns. In fact, considering the bride is family I’m surprised that she hasn’t bothered to take your situation into account without you having to mention it.

Grapesoda7 · 03/09/2020 13:21

I would definatly ask, sitting through a wedding will be a challenge enough for your son so to have familiar people to sit with will really help.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/09/2020 13:22

Just ask to swap when you get there. Nobody wants to be sitting beside other people's children, so I doubt you'll have any trouble there.
It's a wanky idea, though, the atmosphere will probably be quite strained (at least until the booze takes hold Grin)
You don't go to the pub to sit beside complete strangers, so why anyone would think a wedding reception was the place to "mix" like this is beyond me.

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 13:23

@DogInATent

I'm prepared to bet the relevant DC has better social skills than many of the people replying this thread that can't make small talk at a social occasion, and are so desperate to catch-up with family/friends that they apparently never meet or speak except at events someone else has take the trouble to organise.
Wrong!!!

DC is likely to ask to squeeze strangers spots, comment on appearance, potentially ask all manner of inappropriate questions. I bet none of you would want to find yourself on the same table with dc at a wedding (and I have no problem with that)

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 03/09/2020 13:23

That said, I bet the bride and groom still sit together, as do their close family.

Of course they are, but traditionally parents at the top table aren't the brides mother sits with grooms dad etc.

It is only for the meal/speeches, it isn't hard to be social and make small talk for an hour or so, sit with who you want and catch up before and after.

SarahBellam · 03/09/2020 13:26

Mixed seating plans are Beelzebub's armpit. Godawful things. I am one of those ‘chatty’ people and twice I’ve been put with the awkward second marriage partners of the parents and the grandparents. It completely ruined the weddings for me. It’s just so uncomfortable making small talk for two and a half hours while half the men piss off to the bar with their mates for most of the meal. Definitely ask to change. She can only say no.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/09/2020 13:26

@DogInATent

I'm prepared to bet the relevant DC has better social skills than many of the people replying this thread that can't make small talk at a social occasion, and are so desperate to catch-up with family/friends that they apparently never meet or speak except at events someone else has take the trouble to organise.
I can make small talk with the best of them in a social setting if I have to. I just don't particularly want to... 🤷🏻‍♀️ It's nobody's ideal set up, really.
MulticolourMophead · 03/09/2020 13:29

Definitely my idea of hell.

The weddings I recall for the wrong reasons include a couple where the seating plan was like this. Just wasn't enjoyable at all, and I wish I hadn't gone.

From experience, the bride needs to realise that the introverts will be more introverted, and the loud gobshites just more loud and gobby, dominating any conversation on the table (and likely all about them).

I didn't make any new friends, or even speak much to the other guests on the table that I didn't know. And observing other tables, it was the same all across the room.

Bajalaluna · 03/09/2020 13:30

Food god, why would anyone do a "mixed up" seating plan. Sounds like the absolute pits. Sorry I'm unhelpful op, as I don't think I could bring myself to ask them to reconsider, but completely understand why you'd want to. You won't be the only guest feeling like this, and you have a perfectly valid reason alongside the fact its just a ghastly idea. Maybe just explaining to her that you might have to dip put for the speeches etc, as with no family on the table to help/distract/calm DC, they could become disruptive, and it may be awkward, will be enough for her to reconsider the plan. Adding that DC would be perfectly happy and calm if surrounded by familiar faces, just won't cope well with a table of strangers might make her understand.

ellentree · 03/09/2020 13:30

YANBU to ask at all.

Mixed tables are rubbish - i have been to three in recent years when not only were they family weddings where we could have caught up with relatives, we went on the hen/stag dos and weren't even put with them - I was bridesmaid for one and they split the bridesmaids up to host different tables, I don't want to host randoms!! Oh, and another, our children (including godchild of the groom) weren't invited and they put us on a table with the only two children who had been invited (plus their grandparents, not even their parents) so had to make child friendly conversation on our weekend away from ours!