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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
tinkywinkyshandbag · 05/09/2020 17:09

Oh I hate those weddings - and especially in your case you could have a quiet word but she may not be receptive!

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 05/09/2020 17:18

@BubblyBarbara

Apparently saying something that you disagree with is “rude” nowadays. Children, disabled or not, should be occasionally pushed out of their comfort zone. That’s how they grow and progress. Making an autistic child spontaneously give a speech or be left on their own, not a gentle push. Sitting at a table with immediate family and maybe a few people more distant family, not quite the same is it.
The problem here isn't so much rudeness, rather cluelessness.
ipswichwitch · 05/09/2020 17:37

As a pp has said, pretty much most of everyday life can push an autistic person out of their comfort zone - some days just leaving the house will achieve that for DS. Even disregarding the appropriateness of attempting to push an autistic child outside the comfort zone to “challenge them”, I don’t really think someone’s wedding is the best place to attempt that particular social experiment.

Everysinglebloodytime · 05/09/2020 17:54

@BubblyBarbara

Apparently saying something that you disagree with is “rude” nowadays. Children, disabled or not, should be occasionally pushed out of their comfort zone. That’s how they grow and progress. Making an autistic child spontaneously give a speech or be left on their own, not a gentle push. Sitting at a table with immediate family and maybe a few people more distant family, not quite the same is it.
Are you speaking on behalf of all autistic children? I ask because that covers quite a diverse range of needs so whilst you might be correct for some you most certainly aren't for others.

Yet you speak with such confidence and I'm wondering where that confidence comes from

Burntbiscuits · 05/09/2020 19:50

Yeah... Taking into account that I'm sure it is stressful for you to parent a severely autistic child, and I'm sure you're doing a great job... Even taking into account all you've done to support and help the niece... You have made it all about you and your child's needs, when it needn't be. Her day should have been her choice, and if you didn't feel it would work for your family, you should have stayed away (without the dramatics!!). Tbh in your position I think I would have just the adults attend.

Notwiththeseknees · 05/09/2020 21:11

@Burntbiscuits

Yeah... Taking into account that I'm sure it is stressful for you to parent a severely autistic child, and I'm sure you're doing a great job... Even taking into account all you've done to support and help the niece... You have made it all about you and your child's needs, when it needn't be. Her day should have been her choice, and if you didn't feel it would work for your family, you should have stayed away (without the dramatics!!). Tbh in your position I think I would have just the adults attend.
Wow! I've read some shit on Mumsnet before, but this is one of the cuntiest things I've ever read.

For your information, the brides job is to offer her guests the opportunity to celebrate her nuptials and best thing to do is to make sure all of her guests are relaxed and comfortable. It's not just a fucking fashion parade with admirers arranged without a thought. It is about friends and family.

Ginfordinner · 05/09/2020 21:56

@Burntbiscuits

Yeah... Taking into account that I'm sure it is stressful for you to parent a severely autistic child, and I'm sure you're doing a great job... Even taking into account all you've done to support and help the niece... You have made it all about you and your child's needs, when it needn't be. Her day should have been her choice, and if you didn't feel it would work for your family, you should have stayed away (without the dramatics!!). Tbh in your position I think I would have just the adults attend.
What a nasty post Hmm
OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 05/09/2020 22:14

It's like there's a competition to see who can show the most of their arse.

LeroyJenkinssss · 05/09/2020 22:20

Right are people seriously suggesting that a child with significant autism be purposefully stressed and be made anxious on the off chance his own mother has completely overplayed his needs?? And all she needs to do his stretch his boundaries and hey presto he could magically cope with a situation lots of NT adults find fucking stressful? Fucking hell.

At the end of the day, his needs do trump whatever delightful plan the B&G had because he has anxieties/triggers that he can’t modulate but the fucking adults in this could mitigate by moving four people.

yolio · 05/09/2020 22:22

Marriages should be private.

Have the party after, preferably five years later. No one really cares IMV.

Gifts welcome of course. Ends up better value than attending. LOL.

BubblyBarbara · 06/09/2020 10:38

What a nasty post

What Burntbiscuits said wasn’t “nasty” it was just an opinion you disagree with. Nasty would be spiteful personal attacks rather than mere suggestions of what to do.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/09/2020 10:45

The "dramatics" bit wasn't necessary.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 06/09/2020 10:52

Whatever else it was bubblybarbara, it was certainly ignorant. A quality it shares with your laughably ridiculous post advocating using a wedding to push an autistic child out of their comfort zone.

Fundamentally, the parent of an autistic child who is asking for minor adjustments to be made in order to allow their child and the people around them to be more comfortable isn't doing anything wrong. They're doing a good thing, in fact. Not only for their child but also for the other guests and, although the hosts don't realise it, for them too. Because it's really not in the interests of anyone present for the autistic child to be, say, making personal comments about appearance to those they don't know.

Regardless of whether one thinks the people who have failed to understand why OP was right are being rude, what they certainly are is ignorant. And, if they insist on using their ignorance as a tool to berate OP with, arrogant.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/09/2020 10:56

Also isn't a wedding reception meant to be pleasant rather than a chance to go out of your comfort zone? Maybe I should have offered bungee jumping at mine for people with a fear of heights.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 06/09/2020 11:08

@SnuggyBuggy

Also isn't a wedding reception meant to be pleasant rather than a chance to go out of your comfort zone? Maybe I should have offered bungee jumping at mine for people with a fear of heights.
Also your centerpieces should've been tarantulas, for the arachnophobes.
SnuggyBuggy · 06/09/2020 11:13

Hell yeah, it shouldn't just be those with disabilities or social anxiety who have to come out of their comfort zone at a wedding reception

Nikori · 06/09/2020 11:21

I hate this attitude that weddings are all about the bride and groom and guests should just shut up and be grateful for an invitation. I would never have treated my guests like that. They are my friends and family and it was important to me that they had a wonderful time.

BubblyBarbara · 06/09/2020 11:28

Regardless of whether one thinks the people who have failed to understand why OP was right are being rude, what they certainly are is ignorant.

We’re on AIBU dear. If the OP just wanted to tell us a story of why she is right and the bride is wrong, she could write in to one of those trashy magazines and get c £200 for the story. I assume people post on AIBU to be stretched, challenged, and to hear other viewpoints that might more accurately reflect the real world rather than a protective mothers viewpoint of making everyone bend over backwards for her children.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 06/09/2020 11:32

@BubblyBarbara

Regardless of whether one thinks the people who have failed to understand why OP was right are being rude, what they certainly are is ignorant.

We’re on AIBU dear. If the OP just wanted to tell us a story of why she is right and the bride is wrong, she could write in to one of those trashy magazines and get c £200 for the story. I assume people post on AIBU to be stretched, challenged, and to hear other viewpoints that might more accurately reflect the real world rather than a protective mothers viewpoint of making everyone bend over backwards for her children.

Well if the OP wanted that, your comments certainly won't have got anywhere close to providing it. There's nothing stretching or challenging about watching someone parading their abject ignorance and digging an ever deeper hole.

Also, bit of advice: you aren't going to be able to pull off patronising after your contributions this thread, babes.

BubblyBarbara · 06/09/2020 11:40

Also, bit of advice: you aren't going to be able to pull off patronising after your contributions this thread, babes.

I’ve just given my opinions along with many people here. If anyone’s decided to come along and play at being the virtue police of controversial ideas.. Grin

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 06/09/2020 11:43

And those opinions were of insufficient quality for you to be able to patronize anyone. They also didn't leave you with any room to complain about virtue police, while we're chatting.

ArnoJambonsBike · 06/09/2020 12:15

@BubblyBarbara

I’ve just given my opinions along with many people here

Indeed. The one thing about opinions is that we all have them and I'm afraid yours stinks, dear.

Itisbetter · 06/09/2020 12:25

Why on Earth has this turned into a slanging match? OP got her desired outcome. There is nothing to bicker about.

ddl1 · 06/09/2020 14:05

Whether certain people are 'rude' or not, they do seem to be quite callously dismissive of the problems of people with invisible disabilities (or possibly all disabilities). The implication is that they or their parents are just spoilt brats who are demanding that others 'bend over backwards'. This is completely unfair.

Somebody's wedding plans do not trump other people's significant disabilities or health problems. You have a choice about the details of your wedding plans. You don't have a choice about having a disability. You can't tell your child, 'oh, could you please not be autistic just for today - it's your cousin's wedding!'

So a bride and groom - or the hosts of any sort of event - have two choices: they can make reasonable adjustments for their guests (as the bride in this case has finally agreed to do); or they can accept that some of their family members will not attend. Unfortunately the sort of people who resent being asked for accommodations at such an event are often also the same people who will take offence at anyone who doesn't attend: 'I will never forgive my aunt and uncle for not coming to my wedding, just because of their autistic son!'

ddl1 · 06/09/2020 14:16

PS: I have never met or spoken to the OP's niece, so I may be making unfair snap-judgements about her attitudes; but some of the attitudes expressed by a minority here come across as quite intolerant of disability.

I don't have the sort of disability described here, and indeed am in what seems to be a minority here in that I would not mind being placed with, and making small talk with, people whom I don't know at such an occasion. However, I do have some dietary restrictions due to what was eventually diagnosed with Crohns disease, and have suffered in my youth from people refusing to accept my restrictions (I never asked for alternative food to be prepared for me; just to be permitted not to eat certain things that others were eating) and calling me a fussy eater and treating me as though I was insulting them by not eating everything offered, and for many years I was scared even to attend social occasions in case I was blamed for my restrictions. So I feel very strongly to this day about the potential hurtfulness of refusing to accept people's special needs