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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 03/09/2020 12:15

Oh and I should also add we let people choose where on a table they sat. It was just tables that had lists of who was at them.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 03/09/2020 12:16

I would ask as you are close. If she says no you can always not go.

OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer · 03/09/2020 12:16

@LockdownDowner

To clarify, we would be sat with our dc but on a table with strangers, dc is severely autistic and not easy! Dc is likely to be calm if sat with grandparents and great aunts but very bad with strangers and it would be unfair to inflict dc on others. I only want bride to seat us with close family so that dc will be settled. Bride is a very close relative.

I think you need to make sure they're aware of this.

Silentplikebath · 03/09/2020 12:16

I agree with pp that you should ask the bride.

I hate mixed up seating. When I went to a wedding with mixed tables I left early because I felt awkward (and the food was being served very late).

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/09/2020 12:17

@ImaSababa

Just move around when you get there! Ask people to shift tables if necessary. Bride will be so caught up in the day that she won't notice.

Do this. If you don't ask in advance, you won't be doing what she's said no to (assuming that bride says no if you ask).

Is anyone else privvy to the actual plan? she may have accommodated your child's needs already. You don't mention child's age - seems a bit weird to sit young children away from parents, dumping them on others to 'babysit'.

How big is the wedding anyway - isn't there a limit of 30 people
and actually, in the light of covid, mixing up tables sounds a bit odd anyway.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2020 12:18

Ugh I hate when people do this, I don't know why people think this is a great idea. Polite small talk is exhausting and just not fun. One of my friends did this at her wedding and it was so disappointing, I had been looking forward to spending the dinner catching up with close friends I don't get to see enough of but instead spent the time trying to think of things to say to the wife of a friend of the grooms friend

SoupDragon · 03/09/2020 12:21

Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.

If it's in the early panning stages, are you sure she's overlooked it? Regardless, she's a close relative and understanding of the issues there is absolutely no problem with talking to her.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2020 12:23

I think you are hugely justified in asking her and just explain there is a risk of disruption,

And everyone hates this, everyone. It’s a shit way to spend time at social event, sat with strangers not of your choosing and made to make small talk.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2020 12:23

@ImaSababa

Just move around when you get there! Ask people to shift tables if necessary. Bride will be so caught up in the day that she won't notice.

Don't do this. It will cause unnecessary fuss on the day.

Just explain how it will cause problems!

Sindragosan · 03/09/2020 12:24

I don't mind mixed tables, but every wedding has had children beside parents, or a children's table for older ones who all know each other. I'd ask nicely with an explanation that it will be easier for everyone, including the bride.

seayork2020 · 03/09/2020 12:25

If you and your husband are sat with your child then no i would not say anything as i do not think it is fair to ask them to change it around for more than that, if it needs to get that complicated i would not go/ find a baby sitter

titchy · 03/09/2020 12:25

God yes - tell her he'll have a total meltdown during the speeches otherwise. Perfectly reasonable given your circumstances. In fact word it that everyone will be feeling very awkward anyway sat with strangers and you don't want to make the atmosphere any worse.What is the bride thinking.

secretllama · 03/09/2020 12:26

I've never understood the mixed tables. Trying to force people to make friends with strangers at their wedding....and I say this as a very sociable person who has no problem chatting to strangers and making new friends. In no other situation in life would I prefer to sit at a table of randoms over my group of friends/family.

I would definitely ask to sit with family in your case.

TooManyDogsandChildren · 03/09/2020 12:26

I think your DS needs trump the bride's (frankly nutty times of Covid) plan. I'd just remind her that regardless of what everyone else is doing you two need to sit together.

OchonAgusOchonO · 03/09/2020 12:27

@ComtesseDeSpair

In your case, I think it’s fine to ask, based on your DC’s issues.

She may have a number of guests who don’t know many or any other guests. It’s difficult being at a wedding in that situation whilst tables of people around you who know each other well laugh and chat, she’s very possibly trying to avoid that awkwardness for them by mixing everybody up, so that everyone has to interact with people they don’t know rather than just those few.

I see the logic of what you're saying but it's still a crap idea. Rather than a small number of people having an awkward time, by mixing up all the tables, everyone then has an awkward time.

OP - I was all set to say you shouldn't ask but in the circumstances, I think it is a reasonable request. You should play it as you're concerned about your ds being disruptive and you want to make sure her day goes well.

I've had 2 recent experiences of mixed tables. First one, dh and I knew nobody else at the wedding. Bride and groom put us at a table where they felt we would get on well with the others (we did) and where they knew the others, who did know one another, would be welcoming and friendly. We had a ball.

Second one, sil asked would we like her to put ds2 at a table with his similarly aged cousins. We said no as they tend to ignore him and leave him out. Except she didn't mention she was putting ds1 and dd at that table. Dh, ds2 (who would have liked to sit with his siblings as they get on well) and I were put at the strays and waifs table. Because everyone else at the table didn't know one another either, we felt obliged to make small talk for the duration of the meal. It was pretty tedious. Ds1 and dd were stuck with their much younger cousins (I think the idea was they would entertain them) while the rest of dh's family were with family so knew everyone at their table. That one I didn't enjoy.

So basically, mixed tables can work if the b&g know the people well and spend a lot of time figuring who would get on etc. This is rarely done properly. Random allocation does not work.

PlateTectonics · 03/09/2020 12:28

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for you and DH to be next to your DC with SEN, but as that's already the case I don't think you can ask for anything more. I've been to several weddings like this and although it's not my personal preference it's a valid choice for the bride and groom to make, not some outlandish bridezilla thing.

pussycatinboots · 03/09/2020 12:31

I'd ask, due to your son. If she says no, I'd decline the invite.

BikeTyson · 03/09/2020 12:33

Oh god I don’t know why people do this, it’s always awful. I’d ask, it’s a particular requirement for everyone’s enjoyment, not just you being awkward.

Newnamenewopenme · 03/09/2020 12:34

I hate this! I think they see it as they could sit with anyone in the room and be fine so everyone else can, you are probably spending a fortune to attend so want to enjoy it with people you like spending time with, not forced onto strangers. You would probably get chatting to them at the bar etc anyway.

I would ask and maybe suggest only one of you attending the reception if it will be too difficult with your child if they say no.

uisage · 03/09/2020 12:35

I would send a polite message (which I'm sure you would have done since your post is polite and entirely reasonable). I probably wouldn't let on that you know it's mixed seating, but say you were wondering who you were seated with so you can prepare DS as he doesn't do well with surprises.

Is the wedding quite close if she's sorting seating plans already?

Annebronte · 03/09/2020 12:36

You should definitely ask them to sit you with family. Use your point that your DC will make it trickier for the guests you don’t know to enjoy themselves and relax.

Viviennemary · 03/09/2020 12:36

I think it's a mad idea. But it's obviously what the bride wants. At first I thought you meant your D'S would be sitting on his own with complete strangers. But he'll be in his own family group.

WutheringTights · 03/09/2020 12:36

We went to a wedding like this. It was after graduation and all our friends had moved away so we were looking forward to seeing everyone. We were all split up. And as we have a reputation for being easy to get along with we were sat with the "difficult to place" relatives. It was excruciating and boring at same time. Couldn't wait for the meal to end. Such a shame as they'd spent a fortune on it, all completely wasted as we couldn't wait for it to end so we could move away. Why do people do stuff like that? Surely they want their guests to enjoy the wedding? Instead we look back on that particular wedding with nothing but regret that we went in the first place.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 03/09/2020 12:37

Hideous idea, and very patronising to the guests. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this concept came from a wedding venue originally as a stealthy way of getting people to drink more.

Particularly awful idea during a pandemic. 'Lets get lots of people from all over the country who've never been in contact previously to mingle!' One Wedding and Four Funerals.

Devlesko · 03/09/2020 12:37

YABU, they've considered this long and hard, I would imagine and it's what they want.
Only a cf would question their decision.
I'm sure you are free to socialise with who you want to and move around as you feel fit.

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