Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

YANBU to at least make sure you are with DS. I loathe this approach, ruins the whole event for me.

@Devlesko

YABU, they've considered this long and hard, I would imagine and it's what they want. Only a cf would question their decision. I'm sure you are free to socialise with who you want to and move around as you feel fit.

Yeah it's their choice but 90% of people in the room will HATE it

How old is your son? YWNBU to ask if he can sit next to you (or between you and another family member) but YWBU to ask for a whole table to be arranged around him. If he's going to struggle that much, it might be kinder (to him) not to bring him.

Of course ask. Only an arsehole would deliberately separate a disabled child from their mother. I bet they simply didn’t think or didn’t remember and that it’s a simple accident.

YANBU to ask under the circumstances. She might not be aware of your personal situation. If it were me I would be happy to make an exception.

Personally I hate the idea of mixing people up. I wanted people to have a good time and get the chance to catch up with relatives they may not have seen for a while, so I sat people with others they knew. Also, my friends wanted to chat together and not have to entertain my aged uncle. There’s plenty of time to mix before and after the meal if people are so inclined.

The difficult thing about this is variations on party sizes, my DH has a smaller social circle than me, (obvs his friends are my friends now) but this meant that he had a smaller number of people that knew each other - so I couldn’t sit them on a table on their own because of this.
Also, I’m NC with DM side of family, so we only had two guests invited on that side of the family.
Due to family disagreement (between MIL and her siblings) DH had 8 relatives that pulled out at the last minute.
Mixing worked for us so we didn’t have 2 relatives sitting with a party of 8 that all knew each other.
It could be similar for them, however we did ensure that there was at least two families / friends that knew each other on each table!

Although I think with the SN’s of your son, you would not be unreasonable to ask whether this could be accommodated on your table!

If they've seated you, DC and DH together as a family then they have already considered your needs as a family. I don't think you should say anything. It's only for the meal, you can move around and socialise with other family afterwards.

This is one of those harebrained ideas that B&Gs sometimes get that seems like 'such a great idea' at the time and are not.

Yes, they like everyone but not everyone they know will like each other or fancy a whole evening together. Or want to pass the entire evening, perhaps, talking about how they know the B&G (maybe that is the idea people have will happen? Fuck knows.)

I'd just say something, in your shoes.

Some people clearly have no idea of the stress of taking an autistic child to things like this.

My son ended up under the table at the last wedding we went to. It was fine because we were sitting with our immediate family. It would not have been fine if we'd been sitting with strangers.

I mean people who don' tknow each other already...

Just move around when you get there! Ask people to shift tables if necessary. Bride will be so caught up in the day that she won't notice.

No way. So people have all moved around not according to seating plan. Wait staff deliver meals according to seating plan they are given, so now Rogers gluten free meal gets plonked down in front of Bob who starts tucking in. When they put something down in front of Roger and he checks it is gluten free, wait staff are confused, return meal to kitchen, check plan, get more confused, go back to Roger (thinking he is Bob) and ask if he actually ordered a gluten free. Then they track it down with Bob to find he has eaten a third of it by this point. Ditto for Mary’s vegan meal and Diane’s dairy free desert. You really have to be an obnoxious prick to have so little regard for other guests and wait staff to recommend people do this.

OP, I would ask for table to be rejigged to accomodate in your case given the SN aspect. If it was just the fact someone didn’t like the mix it up approach tough luck but you definitely have a valid reason to approach the bride. Having said that there is nothing worse than weddings that do this. Fuck it’s painful and a chore to be endured, no one has fun. People just grin and tough it out until a polite point where they can subtly exit to sit with others, desert can never be over fast enough.

Often you can't just move on the day as it causes chaos for the kitchen staff who have been sent the plan in advance with dietary requirements etc. I would definitely speak to her, it's an awful idea anyway! Why force people to make small talk when they're never going to see each other again and want to take the opportunity to catch up with people they actually know?!

Completely normal for seating plan to have guests from the bride and grooms side at each table as it is traditionally supposed to be the joining of two families.

Asking will throw out her whole seating plan and could result in others requesting changes to sit beside only people they know. Surely she has been aware enough to sit you beside people who will not be fazed with any problems with your ds. I wouldn't ask for a change, but just be prepared to take ds out if necessary.

I went to a wedding like that.

Df and I the only ones on table with 3 other couples. None of us knew each other

ALSO BEEN TO ONE THAT HAD 4 couples , but four people knew each other so 2 couples with 2 coupkesYES NICE TO MIX AND CHAT AT WEDDINGS BUT ALSO NICE TO CATCH UO WITH FAMILY AND PEOPLE HAVENT SEEN SINCE LAST WEDDING /funeral

I would ask bride due to Sn but she may say no

Sorry for mix up of capitals

She may have a number of guests who don’t know many or any other guests - then they could all sit together. Why make every table full of people who do not know each and make everyone miserable? I would decline the invitation and if I were your parents and aunty I would hate being with strangers. My hubby hated my son's wedding as he sat at end of top table between bride's sisters who he did not know. At least I knew the best man.

I went to a wedding overseas like this. It was awful. All that cash to get there + organising childcare + a very long drive upon arrival, but it seemed like it would be worth it as I'd get to catch up with friends who I'd not really seen in years since we all had kids. I wasn't even sitting with my husband, who was at the top table. Just a bunch of other couples, who were all talking to their other halves because they too didn't know anyone else at the table.

I did end up mixing people up at my wedding, but only because my various groups didn't fit into nice neat packages of 8 and it's always awkward having (or being on) an "oddballs" table of leftover people.

We effectively mixed half tables - and tried to keep ages and stages similar - we didn't have many kids to fit in, and were very careful to avoid single people ending up as "gooseberry" among couples. Eg my group of school friends started as 10 of us - so 1 table not counting bride+ sister at the first group wedding, by the time we got to me we'd added husbands, partners and children and would be 2 and a bit tables. DH's cousins plus kids plus his aunt/uncle on that side was 11 people, my equivalent was 7 so we had to mix somewhere and it made more sense to mix all the tables rather than some of them.

In your circumstances I'd have asked what would work best - including thinking about where in the food service order your table would be - but we were restricted to 8 per table (except babies in arms) so wouldn't have been able to put 2 families of 5 together (only one high chair/baby space was possible).

It is a total minefield and I'd want as much information as possible to make everything go as smoothly as possible!

Normally I would say not to say anything, but as your DS has severe autism I would.

If DS is likely to get very distressed or have a meltdown then it's in everyone's interests to avoid this, including the Bride and Groom's.

I think it would depend on how close a relative the bride was. If it was my sister then I would definitely speak to her, explain the difficulties plus also that other people might not like it.

Anyone other than a sibling I would just decline the invite saying that my child would be too unsettled etc. Maybe she would reconsider the seating plan in light of that, or not.

Is bride a cousin or sister?

They've not separated you so I wouldn't say anything. How far away is the wedding?

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask. It's not as though you're being precocious and saying "I just don't want to!"- you have a very real and legitimate reason for this request

@ImaSababa

Just move around when you get there! Ask people to shift tables if necessary. Bride will be so caught up in the day that she won't notice.

No offence, but this is TERRIBLE advice. You have no idea what the other arrangements are related to seating - if Aunt Irene has claustrophobia and needs seating by the door, I'd the caterers have been given notice for diets by seating plan...

As a bride I would be super pissed off if half a table decided to relocate on the day.

I would not be offended at all if a guest told me of a particular need to make them comfortable.

(I went as far as accommodating pet dogs at my wedding! I would still think someone was a twat for deciding to reorganise something rather than simply telling me so I could arrange for it.)

Reasonable to ask that the DC with poor social skills is sat next to someone he knows well. Not reasonable to expect to be all seated together as a family because of one DC.

Nothing is more dreadful than one of those gatherings where everyone only speaks to people they already know and it's cliques-in-corners. There'll be plenty of time either side of the meal for family catch-ups.

Seating plans rarely survive first contact, we were shuffling ours about right up until everyone sat down to allow for a couple of late apologies and some unexpected but very welcome extras. And we had to accommodate two families with different first languages, the UK side only being able to speak English and the European side having a range of comfort levels with conversational English. The trick is to make sure there's at least one outgoing conversation starter in every group and avoiding putting all the non-socialisers together.