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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
PenCreed · 03/09/2020 11:58

Ask the bride. Absolutely do NOT do what a lot of people are suggesting and sort it on the day - that's just a massive upheaval and headache waiting to happen. People will be roaming round trying to find new seating, the bride and groom WILL notice and it will be a lot less hassle just to ask now (when I got married we wandered round the tables to chat between courses, we would have noticed if our seating plan had been majorly changed). If you phrase it as a request, not a demand, it will be fine.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/09/2020 11:58

I'd ask, if it was just for you then I wouldnt, but it might benefit her as well.

I'd sell it as you are worried your DC will disrupt her speeches etc if they are uncomfortable and you'd hate to spoil her day in any way so would she consider seating them with at least a familiar adult on either side so they are less likely to disrupt her day

lanthanum · 03/09/2020 11:58

Entirely reasonable to say "please could you make sure DC is between me and DP/DH - he won't cope otherwise". They might be doing that anyway. I don't think you should dictate the rest of the table.

corythatwas · 03/09/2020 11:59

In this case, I would definitely ask for you or another known adult to sit next to dc. Normally, I struggle to understand the MN take that having to talk to strangers is some terrible ordeal, but in this case, you need to do what is best for your dc.

KeepingPlain · 03/09/2020 12:00

She may not have considered the fact that the majority of people will likely hate this. Maybe just point out to her that families will prefer to sit together?

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 12:01

I think the bride has a very naive idea that mixing everyone up will be more fun! My elderly parents and great aunt are cringing at the idea as they expected we would all be sat together.
I took great care at my wedding to ensure everyone was sat with people they knew well and would be comfortable with. (Tea total relatives not sat with those who liked a drink)

OP posts:
Brighterthansunflowers · 03/09/2020 12:01

You can’t ask her to change the plan for everyone but you can say that due to their needs, DC needs to be seated with you.

If she can’t accommodate that then politely decline the invitation.

seayork2020 · 03/09/2020 12:01

Yes as other people have said ask for you, dh and child but not extra people

ShellsAndSunrises · 03/09/2020 12:02

My husband wanted to do this... he read somewhere that it was a good idea and he loved the idea of mingling people. He’d identified our charismatic, could talk to a wall type friends to make sure there wasn’t awkwardness... although children would always have been with a parent, that would go without saying!

I talked him out of it down the line; we sat people with their friends. I just didn’t like the idea, and it was hard work when it got to seating plans!

Spied · 03/09/2020 12:04

I'd just be upfront and tell her you are really uncomfortable with being separated from DC and that you really need to be with them.
That you don't mean to interfere or be disruptive but you'd much prefer to be sat with family - and see what she says.

unmarkedbythat · 03/09/2020 12:05

One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.

I think this would make such a request reasonable.

Like most people, I bloody hate these sort of mixed seating plans so think the engaged couple are BU to plan one! Surely they realise just how unpopular this is?

ragged · 03/09/2020 12:06

Just ASK. Bride wants you to have fun, too.
Better to have asked in advance, but just ask now.

Abraid2 · 03/09/2020 12:06

I prefer not to be seated next to my husband and family as I think it’s dull if people don’t mix. But this sounds different and your son needs you.

LivingForPinkGin · 03/09/2020 12:07

I have been to a wedding like this and it was awful!! hated making small talk on the table with people who I didn't know it made the whole day really uncomfortable. I just wanted to sit with my friends and have a good time. I don't understand why anybody would think this was a good idea!

In your circumstances I would ask. They can only say no.

VainAbigail · 03/09/2020 12:08

@RantAndDec

It's difficult for you, but I wouldn't. The bride and groom get exactly what they want, and the guests have to make the call whether they fit in with that or not- not the other way round. I would hate the anxiety around this though, so I do get it.
This reply is full of contradictions!

Basically you’re saying, if you knew it would cause anxiety to someone close to you you wouldn’t do anything to help with that anxiety and would be of the opinion of tough shit.

I don’t think you “get it” at all.

DianasLasso · 03/09/2020 12:08

Oh, I hate this at the best of times (the nadir for me was being sat on the "sad singletons" table at one wedding), but in your circumstances it will really impact on your DS's ability to get through the wedding.

Because of your DS, this goes way beyond the normal "suck it up, they've gone a bit bride-and-groom-zilla but you just have to muddle through for their sake. I'd be looking for a diplomatic way to phrase it, but do stress that for everyone's sake, not just DS's, it's worth them reorganising your table.

Kay1341 · 03/09/2020 12:09

I would ask. I really don't understand who are all these couples who think weddings are a great opportunity to mingle - if anything, most people use it as an opportunity to catch up with friends and family that might not get together often outside of these gatherings. No one goes to weddings with a plan to make new friends.

Ginandplatonic · 03/09/2020 12:09

God I HATE this sort of thing!

YWDNBU to ask to be seated together. She would be v unreasonable to refuse. Hopefully it might make her rethink the whole horrible idea...

1FootInTheRave · 03/09/2020 12:09

It sounds utterly shit.

Why on earth does anyone think this is a good idea?

Florencex · 03/09/2020 12:10

I have been to numerous weddings when I haven’t known other people at the table and I have always found it fun.

But I think mixing children up, SN or otherwise, is strange and not something I have come across. Children should be with a parent. I think I would ask.

Original poster
LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 12:11

To clarify, we would be sat with our dc but on a table with strangers, dc is severely autistic and not easy! Dc is likely to be calm if sat with grandparents and great aunts but very bad with strangers and it would be unfair to inflict dc on others.
I only want bride to seat us with close family so that dc will be settled. Bride is a very close relative.

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 03/09/2020 12:11

I hate these seating plans. DH insisted on doing it for our wedding, so we eventually agreed my family were on tables planned by me and his on other tables planned by him. His family looked as if they would have much preferred to be the other way round.

Do ask and as suggested above, say about your daughter. The bride (assuming she is responsible for the seating) probably doesn’t realise lots of people dislike this type of seating arrangement and either move about on the day, make their excuses to not go at all, or else have a relatively boring meal and leave the table as quickly as they can.

Friendsoftheearth · 03/09/2020 12:11

MOST people would hate this, much less in your position. YADNBU
I would speak to her about it, and if she can't accommodate I would make alternative arrangements for dc or just go to the ceremony.

I have a friend who insists on doing this during every dinner - it is unbearable and insufferable to sit next to people you don't know for hours on end making small talk. It is a form of torture.

LouiseTrees · 03/09/2020 12:14

I wouldn’t mention your experience at other weddings. They might still mix others but house you together. I would however say to them that your DC will be unsettled and you don’t want them to ruin the bride and grooms day (always being the conversation back to being about them not you or your family) and could your table just be all people they know. We did a mixture. There were at least 4 people who knew each other at a table and then 4 from the other side. It actually went so well one table started placing bets with each other on how long my dads speach would be.

BoudicasBoudoir · 03/09/2020 12:15

@Florencex

I have been to numerous weddings when I haven’t known other people at the table and I have always found it fun.

But I think mixing children up, SN or otherwise, is strange and not something I have come across. Children should be with a parent. I think I would ask.

I agree. What’s the fun in just sitting with people you know already? You can spend time with family and existing friends on the dance floor or wherever.

But in your case, definitely ask the bride.