Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

It's difficult for you, but I wouldn't. The bride and groom get exactly what they want

Brides and grooms need to remember they are also hosts. Good hosts consider their guest's comfort.

Why do people not read? The OP is seated with her DH and children.

Surely you just put D.C. between you and carry on. It sounds like you find his behaviour quite embarrassing. That must make it very hard but I honestly think people are kinder than you think. You don’t need to hide away.

I would absolutely decline if she says No.
Or think about going on my own if I felt I had to attend.

@PimlicoJo

Why do people not read? The OP is seated with her DH and children.

Guilty as charged

Ugh, I fucking hate when people do this at weddings.

Honestly - if I was going to a wedding and found out that the seating plan was mixed, I would seriously consider not attending.
It seems very very bizarre - where people are sat has no bearing on the bride and groom at all, and therefore seating plans should be designed with the comfort of the guests in mind.

I loathe this with a passion and actually refused to go to a close family member’s wedding as they wouldn’t budge. Their loss

Ask to be sat with your husband/kids, but don't ask her to change your entire table to your liking, that's a massive ballache as then she has to change 4 other tables or whatever. Move 2 people out and your husband/other child on and shuffle around. Ask to be seated right at the back of your child will disrupt. We went to a family wedding and were put right at the back, I was very thankful with 2 toddlers, meant we didn't disrupt speeches etc and there was no worry, we could leave without disturbing anyone, squeezing between tables etc.

@MulticolourMophead

It's difficult for you, but I wouldn't. The bride and groom get exactly what they want

Brides and grooms need to remember they are also hosts. Good hosts consider their guest's comfort.

This with bells on

I do ask this very gently but is it possible she's accommodating the wishes of other relatives who may not want to help on this particular day?
I would just tread really carefully in how you ask and what you're asking for but for the sake of your son I would say something like "I'm not sure how well DC will cope with sitting with strangers"

I'm glad you asked OP.
DH suggested for our wedding mixing up the tables, but I put him straight. If people have forked out for outfits, travel, hotel, present, they have a right to sit with people they know where possible.

I'm obviously unusual as I've had far worse times at weddings with 'grouped' seating than mixed...

Either with my Mum who I get to see plenty of and others of her generation and older, or as one of those who are close enough to be at the wedding but not part of one of the obvious groups. As we'd moved around a bit we've kept friends from various points in life but not necessarily in table sized groups - so it made more sense to split the group of 15 into three 4s and a 3, the 7 into a 4 and a 3 and use vague connections to link part groups of similar ages and points in life - so cousins with kids from both sides of the family were together (handily a family of 5 and a family of 3), overlapping friends from different parts of our lives (school friends, work friends, hobby friends). Quite a few of the people we put on the same table have become Facebook friends and have conversations about mutual interests that I do not share (baking/craft type stuff) so I like to think that it worked.

Obviously in the evening the bigger groups got back together (as they would anyway, however many tables they'd been split across) and brought their new acquaintances into the group during the evening.

It's a lot easier when everyone is in natural groups of multiples of 6/8, but that's not how our life has happened!

YANBU - especially as you say she is a close relative I think it would be perfectly fine to ask, for the reasons you have stated. I hope she gets it and agrees! In which case no doubt your other relatives would also secretly thank you as they would no doubt as you say prefer to be with family, see your DC etc.

I say this as someone planning their wedding. I know the MN rule is bride and groom get whatever they want and no one must question it but actually, we would love our friends and family to come to our wedding, having been to numerous weddings of others I get that it's quite expensive going, but I also adore weddings, and I sincerely hope our guests feel the same about ours. To that end, we want to be considerate of them, good hosts, and would like our guests to have a fun time as much as we do. I don't know of anyone who actually likes it when the bride and groom mix up the tables, the loveliest thing about weddings is having fun with all your close friends and family on a joyous occasion. Obviously without the specific reasons you mention, when I find myself at a wedding where they have mixed it up I just grin and make the best of it of course, but your request is a perfectly valid reason.

@Didkdt

I do ask this very gently but is it possible she's accommodating the wishes of other relatives who may not want to help on this particular day? I would just tread really carefully in how you ask and what you're asking for but for the sake of your son I would say something like "I'm not sure how well DC will cope with sitting with strangers"

Definitely not accomodating the others by keeping them away from us! They would much prefer for us all to be sat together.

If it wasn't for my dc we would just suck it up but if they insist on seating us on a table with guests we have not met then we may not be able to go.

I'm another whose not a fan of mixed seating.

It's just a very artificial way to promote mingling and nearly always fails.

People want to catch up with friends/family at these occasions and forcing them them to sit with strangers often has the opposite to the intended effect in that people "rush" to their friend/family groups as soon as possible after the meal and any "natural" mingling that would have happened gets curtailed.

In your case especially OP it's a nightmare and I think yes you should speak to the bride about being in a table with people who can support you and your son.

I would be mortified if as the bride I had made a decision that meant somone had a difficult dinner. I would just ask and I am sure the couple will be happy to help. It was very important to me that people were happy and relaxed on my wedding day. Its an absolute arsehole thing to do to make someones life hard because you can.

Ask to be sat with your husband/kids, but don't ask her to change your entire table to your liking, that's a massive ballache as then she has to change 4 other tables or whatever.
How could it be, when they're seated randomly?

we would be sat with our dc but on a table with strangers
That changes things a bit, I thought you meant DC was on its own with strangers, in which case you would have been justified to ask, but asking her to have a table with only people from your family is a bit too much.
Don't you think other people will notice your table and then wonder why they have been made to sit with strangers when your table was allowed to seat together? I would worry about this if I were the bride.
If you sit your DC between you and your DH and have ear defenders or other things that help him be settled, are you sure it is not manageable?

@Itisbetter

Surely you just put D.C. between you and carry on. It sounds like you find his behaviour quite embarrassing. That must make it very hard but I honestly think people are kinder than you think. You don’t need to hide away.

I'm not at all embarrassed by my dc!!! I am, however, a realist and I know and understand the needs and limitations of my child.

DC is likely to be able to cope surrounded by people who love and accept them - the stress of sharing a table with strangers will be too much for them (and not fair of the other guests either).

Does anyone actually like these mixed up seating plans? Can't see a single person who finds them a good idea. They're shit.

@PimlicoJo

Why do people not read? The OP is seated with her DH and children.

I must have missed that in a reply, because it's really not clear in the question ("a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know"). I which case it's an unreasonable request to completely change who's sitting on which table, but the details of the individual table plan could be reasonably adjusted to put DC between their parents.

There will be no changing of four or five other tables necessary! Why do people on here post such hyperbole?!

@LockdownDowner from what you’ve said it does sound like an oversight. I’m glad you mentioned it. If she says no then fair enough (though I think not accommodating a child’s extra needs is completely twatty) but at least you’ve asked!

I had my wedding reception in a restaurant and the owner advised against this idea. After our own wedding we went to one with the mixed seating and I could see his point!

@GrumpyHoonMain

Don’t make a big deal about it. On the day if your DC can’t cope then shift tables around. The bride and groom will never notice

Very, very CF advice. If I was the bride I would notice and I would be very annoyed.

Also a lot of posters on this thread are saying that OP should be sat with her dc! She IS!!OP has stated that “we would be sat with our dc.” She wants to ensure she gets to choose who else sits at the table with her family!

Saying that other invitees are cringing at not being able to choose who they sit with, has got nothing to do with the OP. It is the bride and groom’s wedding, nobody else should be dictating (or interfering) with the seating plan. Just shows a high level of CF. The OP has had her wedding, with her choices, it is not up to her to decide that her way is best, so the b & g should do things the way she wants!

I have attended weddings, where the seating was mixed up. It worked well and meant that, where there are some single guests or couples who don’t know anyone else, they aren’t left out! As long as my dcs were sat with dh and I, I would never dictate who else sat at my table! After all, it’s only for the meal, so not long in the grand scheme of things. Who you socialise with before and after meal is up to you! However, the way the b & g have chosen, does make it easier for those who don’t know anyone else to have someone to sit with after the meal.