My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

[Biggestbubble]

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

YANBU. Have the conversation and ask what the long term plan is. It’s your house, you get to decide who lives there.

I would hate that. I feel as if I was living in their home! Do as you say and tell them this is not going to continue.

Are you being unreasonable to say something to someone who lives in your house who has invited someone else to stay rent free without discussing it? Of course not. Since it's your house though you would be unreasonable just to ask him what his plans are. I think you should be telling him

Yanbu

And I'd be sorting sooner rather than later.

Kick them out. Why are you being so passive about a situation neither of you agreed with?

If you have been away for a long time I can see that he would want company and I can understand why he wants her living there. I also can see that you don't know her very well, but that is not anyone's fault really.

Now you have returned home you all need to sit down and talk through the way forward. If she stays then she needs to pay her way. If you don't want her staying you suggest they get a flat together.

I don't know why you need to ask if it is okay to discuss this with them. This is the normal and reasonable way to proceed surely?

Just act like you think she's there temporarily, and ask him when she's going home.

Then if he says she has moved in, you can tell him that's not the case.

Sling her out.

Just tell her to leave. You never agreed to her moving in. And tell him to get out too if he's not prepared to respect the fact that he can't just move her in without asking.

Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation.

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone! Drrr, young people!’

Just have a conversation with him. No need for all the subterfuge or "throw her out" type stuff.

Of course YANBU - why on earth wouldn't you go and TELL him (not ask!) that she cannot live with you?!

If he doesn't like it, then he needs to move out. Until then - your house, your rules.

How often are you away? When do you go next?

Is she paying you rent?

It sounds like he needs a conversation about respect, and the fact that it is your home that he needs to respect. While you might consider proposals put to you about YOUR home, it is yours to consider and that he needs to respect your decisions and not just present you with a fait accompli and expect you to accept that.

And that is not just something he needs to hear about in this context, but an important lesson for life, because there are many people out there in the world who would not accept someone being so DISrespectful towards them - at work, landlords, partners, etc - so its far better to learn that lesson now, and that it is not just HIS opinion that matters but also those of the people on whom he depends, for whatever reason.

@Endlessmizzle

Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation.

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone! Drrr, young people!’

Do people genuinely talk like this in real life?

How often are you away and is it for long periods?

If it's a large proportion of the time, surely he must get lonely living there all by himself. Having someone there with him sounds sensible to me? And safer.

I agree with pps, I would get him alone and ask him where she will be living. I think as he’s had her there for a while he has got used to it. He can’t expect to just move in a girlfriend without even asking you !

She’s being light hearted. It’s a good pastiche of Auntie Una from the Bridget Jones books!

Have the conversation NOW before they settle in and make themselves too comfortable. Otherwise you will seethe quietly for months and one small thing will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and cause a huge blow-up at a point when they think the system is established and you will just look like the bad guy!

@FindingNeverland1

How often are you away and is it for long periods?

If it's a large proportion of the time, surely he must get lonely living there all by himself. Having someone there with him sounds sensible to me? And safer.

I agree with this. However, he should have asked you first. Going forward, are you still planning on being away a lot?

If you're staying then I'd tell him she has to find something else asap, and tell him next time ask! It may be okay when you're away but not when you're there.
If you're off away again and won't be there then I'd be happy to have someone looking after the house but I'd charge her some rent. Are they paying the bills etc? or are you still covering that?

Do people genuinely talk like this in real life?

Do they fuck? FFS, 'bright and breezy'. Yeah, right. Just speak to him.

Of course you should say something, what your son has done is disrespectful. But I wonder if your equivocation is an indication that he probably knows he can walk all over you?

It was his choice to live at home, he could be in student accommodation surrounded by other students. His choice to live at home means he lives by himself.

I thinking it is incredibly rude to have just moved her in without even asking you.

And yes, you have every right to ask to leave, this is not her home.