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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 03/09/2020 11:28

My God you really have to ask? Personally I am a bit surprised at your reluctance to have your own student child live with you, but being forced to live with a practical stranger is a total different kettle of fish. Just tell your DS that you never agreed to it and he will have to tell her his GF to leave, and if he doesn’t you will.

midsomermurderess · 03/09/2020 11:35

That is eye-wateringly rude. I think a bit of a full and frank conversation about all aspects of this should be in the offing.

Heffalooomia · 03/09/2020 11:37

I think it's worse than rude.... I think it's a covert coup attempt, he is behaving as if he can call The shots in your house, gaslighting you into submission😳

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2020 11:39

You do know she is getting £200 a week from uni for 42 weeks of the year Hmm

How did you work that out?

Potterpotterpotter · 03/09/2020 11:39

I think the worst part is that he didn’t even ask and feels entitled to just move her in.

For that alone I’d be having words and I would ask her to move out.

BallOfString · 03/09/2020 11:40

I'm quite surprised by the answers. As long as the gf seemed nice this really wouldn't upset me at all. I'd ask her to contribute to bills, but unless they were being very antisocial (parties, noise, borrowing/breaking things) or doing stuff that worried me (drugs, forgetting to lock the house) I wouldn't be upset.

HowFastIsTooFast · 03/09/2020 11:42

If you were away for a long period of time then I don't necessarily think it's unreasonable of him to have moved her in. It's definitely unreasonable that she's still there with no discussion now you're back though!

billy1966 · 03/09/2020 11:46

OP,

His girlfriend staying with him whilst you were away warranted a courtesy conversation with his parents.
Very, very basic courtesy.

Now she is to become a permanent fixture.

Clearly he doesn't have a lot of respect and consideration for ye.

Has he always behaved this way?.

It is extremely ill mannered and entitled and I can't imagine anyone I know tolerating it.

His girlfriend is extremely presumptuous too, but who knows what she's been told and she clearly is delighted to live somewhere rent free.🙄

Be clear with what you want to happen.
Pull him aside with your husband.
Set him straight.
Spell it out clearly to him.

Unfortunately you do sound both passive and nervous of him.

It explains your hesitancy.

Get on this quickly and firmly.
Flowers

sadie9 · 03/09/2020 11:50

Your son is treating your home like a hotel. But you are turning a blind eye to the fact that someone is encroaching on your boundaries.
You come to Mumsnet and politely ask for permission to be annoyed.
Your son might be annoyed with you for suggesting they either move out or pay rent, but unless he's exceptionally immature he won't cut you out of his life and hate you forever.
He is using your home as a way to get approval from the girlfriend. Nice gift to offer, except that he doesn't own it to give and didn't ask permission to give her that present of a free house.

Veterinari · 03/09/2020 11:53

Your home, your rules!

Surely it is his home too?

That doesn't give him the right to act like an entitled inconsiderate arsehole.

Even if he were living independently in a flatshare and paying his way, moving another adult in and encroaching on communal living spaces and bills without prior discussion would be very rude.

It's not about whether it's his 'home' or not it's about the fact the DS and his girlfriend are being cheeky entitled fuckers.

Badger2033 · 03/09/2020 12:00

I think you’re absolutely right to just ask shah the plan is now summer / lockdown are over and make it clear if they want to live together full time they need to go live together

Decentsalnotime · 03/09/2020 12:01

I’d really wonder where I’d gone wrong that my son was so disrespectful and that my husband and I were so timid that I asked a chat room as to whether I would be unreasonable to raise this with him.

2bazookas · 03/09/2020 12:02

Don't "ask him what his plans are".

The CF didn't ask your opinion or agreement to move her in, so there's no need to invite his opinion/agreement (or hers) on your decision that you don't want/like her living in your home and she has to leave ASAP.

You and DH get them together and say calmly that you need to set the record straight. Perhaps. , you don't realise that Son never asked us before moving you in, so coming home to find you living in our home was a surprise. Had he asked, this is not something we would have agreed to. It's an intrusion on our privacy. This is our private home, not some student house-share. You have to leave.

GF can't stay here any longer. She and all her belongings must leave by < firm date>, ie the start of term.

If he objects, remind him that  he wanted  to live  at home again    because  he  didn't like the hassle, inconvenience  and expense  of living with students he barely knows. Well,  neither do you.

 I bet they already tried their freeloading scam  on her own parents, who  refused to let your son move in.
SummerPoppies · 03/09/2020 12:25

Just move her back out again.
No conversation needed.

FlapsInTheWind · 03/09/2020 12:27

I'm not a lawyer but I would be concerned that this arrangement constitutes something in law and she might have rights of some kind. It is for this reason alone that I would be taking a tough line on this but someone who knows about squatting rights etc. might know better?

MaskingForIt · 03/09/2020 12:30

I can see it would be annoying to have her moved in, but if you’re away again for a long period of time, isn’t it better to have the house occupied than sat empty?

A friend of mine saved on rent during her 20s by working as a house-sitter, keeping people’s houses occupied and looked after while they were away. She also had her normal day job during this time.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/09/2020 12:31

What do you mean "appears to"? How long have you been back?

It is your son, surely it is just a case of asking when she is heading home/why does she have so much stuff here/can she move her stuff out of your bathroom into her bags or whatever makes you think she has moved in and when he says she has moved in say "eh no.. can she leave today with her stuff please and we will discuss later", apologise to the gf and say you are not in the market for a lodger, it is just not possible and in future she really should speak to the home owners next time she decides to move in somewhere.

Keep it calm and factual.

Bunnymumy · 03/09/2020 12:34

I wonder if he has told her that you are ok with it.

But surely common courtesy would have warranted a 'thankyou for letting me stay' either way at least.

SentientAndCognisant · 03/09/2020 12:38

⬆️ @FlapsInTheWind

NO absolutely no squatters rights in a domestic setting when she was invited in. There was no forcible entry, she resides there with consent and invitation. There is no adverse possession

As an aside squatting is illegal and in 2012 homeowners were given additional process to remove squatters ( owner must remain with law and cannot forcibly remove squatters)

police can remove squatter if court order is granted

Emeraldshamrock · 03/09/2020 12:40

Yanbu. My nephews GF is furloughed he is working full time living at home his GF hangs around Dsis home all day waiting on him then sleeps over every night she lives with her parents she has a home.
I couldn't have this when the DC are older.

FinallyHere · 03/09/2020 12:45

YANBU

However, as children we learnt that if we wanted a favourable answer from parents, we had to ask and do so in private, rather than in front of the other people concerned

Is he used to this rule? At what point did it change?

Would you have arranged for paying tenants while you were abroad if he had not wanted to live 'at home'?

Have you had the conversation?

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 03/09/2020 12:49

Oooooh this would boil my piss to marmalade. Cheeky fuckers the both of them!

TheyThoughtItWasAllOver · 03/09/2020 13:04

YANBU
It is incredibly disrespectful and entitled behaviour to not have discussed this with you.

Sparticuscaticus · 03/09/2020 13:05

Ok so you want to remain on good terms with DS.

Definitely talk to him. And explain after you've listened. It seems to me that they've been 'playing house' at your home whilst you were away and don't want to give that up, not realising that free rent of an empty house & paid for bills aren't a real long term thing - she needs to find her own place because it is your home.

honeygirlz · 03/09/2020 13:09

Where art thou, OP?