Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:
WendyHoused · 03/09/2020 16:45

I can understand the reluctance of the OP to have her son living at home while at uni - part of the university experience is living away from home, developing independence by cooking and budgeting, stretching their wings.

Not living at home with your parents doing all that for you.

Letseatgrandma · 03/09/2020 16:47

Of course you’re not unreasonable. That is not fair on you and cheeky to assume it’s ok.

What are you going to say?

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 03/09/2020 17:23

You need to sit down with your son and ask him where she lives, because living in your home isn't an option for her.

FelicisNox · 04/09/2020 17:43

YANBU at all.

This situation is just plain rude.

Get them both together and explain that they will need to make alternative arrangements as this had not been discussed with you 1st and it's not a situation you are comfortable with.

Address the GF directly and say "please don't take this personally but he didn't run this past us and as we don't know you we are effectively living with a stranger in our own home."

Be polite but firm: our house, our rules.

nosswith · 04/09/2020 17:49

No is a complete sentence, remember.

YANBU not to want the gf living with you.

guilttripjourno · 04/09/2020 17:54

I read it as 'girlfriends'

DJ81 · 04/09/2020 18:05

Wow, no way are you being unreasonable. I would definitely let him know how the land lies. If you don’t who will be next? You could find that they both have friends who need to stop somewhere. What about the costs that you are having to pick up. It is not fair. If he wants to live with you at home that is for you to discuss, but as for the gf, no way.
If they are intent on being together under the same roof then they will need to rent somewhere together.
What would happen if in a couple of months time they split up. It will be incredibly awkward for everyone. Your son has not thought this through properly. And you and your home deserve more respect.
Good luck, hope it gets sorted xx

Happynow001 · 04/09/2020 18:08

I'm rather surprised you feel the need to ask, OP. You are definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed that your son has just moved someone you hardly know into your house without even the courtesy of asking with you and your husband first.

You both should speak to both of them, at the very earliest opportunity (now?), clearly and firmly letting them know how you feel about this and ask her to leave. If he decides to move out with her that is entirely his choice.

Don't dither about - make your thoughts and preferences known. Especially as you and your husband only "reluctantly" agreed to him living at home instead of university accommodation in the first place. 🌹

Popsicle007 · 04/09/2020 18:25

This happened to us. We agreed my sons girlfriend could stay with us for 2weeks To give her time to look for a flat. Two weeks became 6 months. The worst 6 months of my life. They took over and we felt like lodgers in our own home.
When we suggested it was time they found their own place, all hell broke loose and we were made to feel that it was us being unreasonable. Speak to them now because the longer you put it off the more comfortable they will become.

Jack80 · 04/09/2020 18:26

Speak to him see where his head is at

Bubbles90 · 04/09/2020 18:37

I agree with Popsicle, the longer you leave it to have the conversation the harder it will be. My sister put my mother in this position with her boyfriend. He was only supposed to be there for one night. Two years later. It became unbearable at home for everybody except them. If they want to play house let them, somewhere else, without you paying their way.

Ethicalbluey45 · 04/09/2020 18:39

OMG i would have gone ape , how very disrespectful and what does her parents say about the living arrangements ? They should have discussed it with you first and not just assume its a done deal

comingintomyown · 04/09/2020 18:47

I know this has been said many times but why do people start a thread, get a great number of replies and yet you never see another post from them

ChanceEncounter · 04/09/2020 18:50

@WendyHoused

I can understand the reluctance of the OP to have her son living at home while at uni - part of the university experience is living away from home, developing independence by cooking and budgeting, stretching their wings.

Not living at home with your parents doing all that for you.

That's quite a British thing, in many countries people go to local.university.

The key is to make them live like adults in the home!

I would not allow another adult to move into my home.

It wouldn't be allowed in halls.

exaltedwombat · 04/09/2020 19:05

Ok, naturally you feel affronted. Yes, you should have been asked.

But might it work?

DullDullWeather · 04/09/2020 19:07

Good for you OP

YA definitely NBU

SunshineCake · 04/09/2020 19:16

@comingintomyown

I know this has been said many times but why do people start a thread, get a great number of replies and yet you never see another post from them
Maybe something has happened and she's forgotten she has posted.

Maybe it isn't a real life situation but a journalist.

Maybe they worked out what to do all on their own.

SpilltheTea · 04/09/2020 19:25

Why didn't you just tell her to go home? It's not difficult, it's YOUR house.

Annieconn · 04/09/2020 20:45

Have a you need to leave conversation with his gf on her own. Then if your son tackles you about it, say, well you didn't have the conversation about her moving in with me did you!
And say this is not a love nest for you and gf, she needs to go home.

Or phone her parents and get them to pick her up....maybe too far but wtf!!

ssd · 04/09/2020 20:54

Christ this is classic daily mail fodder

KenDodd · 04/09/2020 21:04

I'd welcome her.

You haven't (first page) made any complaints about her behaviour so it sounds like it's just her being there you object to. I wouldn't mind.

HarrisonFived · 04/09/2020 21:05

This is exactly why I love the new feature to filter by users. In the past, I would have been endlessly scrolling thinking I'll find a response soon and then engage. Now I can quickly see that the pratt OP buggered off never to return, and go about finding a more interesting thread to engage with.

yolio · 04/09/2020 21:10

The GF must feel very comfortable just slotting in to YOUR house. I would question that along with DS.

But then you were away when it happened I think so it was easy enough to do.

How comfortable are they around you now that you are back home?

I would not tolerate this at all, but would give a month to sort themselves out.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2020 21:59

Well you can hardly complain about your 20yo uni DS living with you. What else is he supposed to do unless you finance it? If you think he should move into a flat you are going to have to help finance it.

If you don't want the GF there just charge her market rate rent. I bet she soon thinks her parents house is better and chapter

Original poster
Biggestbubble · 04/09/2020 23:08

Thanks for all the replies

This is the first time I’ve posted on here so apologies to those offended by my lack of response .... just working my way around the website and how Mumsnet works

I am going to be speaking to my son this weekend, but was interested to what the response would be to this issue .... I know how I feel and how I’m going to deal with it. I guess what I wanted was the confidence that the majority of people would feel/deal with it the same way. And clearly by your votes/messages they do!

Thanks for taking the time to respond and let me know your thoughts! It’s been really helpful and much appreciated

PS: to clear any misunderstanding .... the only reason we reluctantly agreed that our son could move back home was in an ideal world we would have preferred him to enjoy the whole university experience and living with other students, learning to fend for himself etc etc

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread