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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:
LEELULUMPKIN · 03/09/2020 09:49

Amazed that you even have to ask a bunch of randoms on the internet such an obvious question.

MeridianB · 03/09/2020 09:51

@bumbleb33s Sounds like you did him a massive favour. Glad it worked out.

TitsOutForHarambe · 03/09/2020 09:51

This is ridiculous. Of course YANBU. Put boundaries in place now - maybe she can stay over one or two nights a week, or whatever you are comfortable with. It is your house so you decide. If he doesn't like it then he can go and live somewhere else.

Definitely speak to him about it today. The longer this is left, the more they will feel that the situation is established and that you are condoning it.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2020 09:51

@MeridianB

That’s not what the PP meant. It’s not about repeating those words. It’s suggesting an approach to conflict resolution by starting with a strong position.
Going in with an "approach" that clearly shows no space for negotiation is not the same as conflict resolution.
SoupDragon · 03/09/2020 09:51

Just have a conversation like an actual adult.

newtb · 03/09/2020 09:52

What happens when the parties start and a 'few' mates crash for a night? Or two?

BumblePan · 03/09/2020 09:52

Your home, your rules!

SoupDragon · 03/09/2020 09:53

@BumblePan

Your home, your rules!
Surely it is his home too?
Notnownotneverever · 03/09/2020 09:53

I wonder if the situation with her moving in came about pretty quickly due to having to make a snap decision to be together or apart at the start of lockdown. So it is not as sneaky as you are making it sound.

That said you need to have the conversation with them about the future and what you want the situation to be. Are you finding her difficult to live with or is there a reason you don't want her to live with you?

Longwhiskers14 · 03/09/2020 09:54

@Endlessmizzle

Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation.

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone! Drrr, young people!’

Or rather than spew out a load of waffle that sounds like it comes from a 1970s sitcom, you could just say "you shouldn't have told her she could move in, she needs to find somewhere else long term, starting from today".
IrmaFayLear · 03/09/2020 09:56

Oh, dear, the suggestion people are getting hot under the collar about I would totally use. Diffuses the situation rather than heading into a full-on confrontation.

It seems at first the best idea is to ask disingenuously when Susan's term starts and what sort of accommodation she's taken. If the answer is that Susan's living right here then step two is to have The Chat about how that's not going to work.

Young people can be a bit clueless about living costs. I don't mind much because it dawns on them sooner or later! However, taking the piss is not acceptable and expecting that your university gf can live in your parents' house for free is entitlement of the highest order.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2020 09:56

I don’t understand why you need to ask this and don’t know the answer. Is there a relationship issue with your son?

TitsOutForHarambe · 03/09/2020 09:57

I think it's very odd that you reluctantly agreed to your own SON living in, what's normally considered, the family home

I think it entirely depends on the 20 year old. You have no idea what OP's son is like, and what their home situation is. They aren't all lovely, polite sweethearts who clean up after themselves and have big plans to move out one day, and not everyone has lots of money and space to accommodate adult children. OP has already stated that he had other options and decided against them.

GroggyLegs · 03/09/2020 09:58

Why wouldn't you ask your son why he's moved a stranger into your home without asking you first?

This is bizarre.

Are you scared of him OP? Does he have huge dramatic blow-ups of he doesn't get his own way?

Minimumstandard · 03/09/2020 10:00

Just say it's been lovely having her to visit and ask when she's going home to her own parents.

Dexysmidnightstroller · 03/09/2020 10:00

For crying out loud what do you mean about bu? It’s your house! He’s taking the mickey big time. The moment I discovered it ie walking through the door I would have demanded to know what the hell they were playing at.

Iamthewombat · 03/09/2020 10:01

Or rather than spew out a load of waffle that sounds like it comes from a 1970s sitcom

Do you think that @Endlessmizzle should have written a script that sounds exactly like the OP’s usual speech patterns, despite having never met her? Seriously, lighten up. She made a light-hearted suggestion for how to approach the problem, which the OP could adapt accordingly. If you look at the basics rather than getting in a froth over the humorous language she’s spot on.

Jellybeansincognito · 03/09/2020 10:02

You lost me at this: He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that

You don’t even want your son living with you?

NC4todayx · 03/09/2020 10:03

This is a windup right? You are asking people on the internet whether you should speak to your son about inviting a virtual stranger to live in YOUR house? Confused You and DH need to grow a pair.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 03/09/2020 10:03

@popsydoodle4444

Why are people so incensed that the OP wasn't keen on her son moving back in?

He's 20,he's an adult and old enough to stand on his own 2 feet.At some point in life adult children have to stop expecting mum and dad to housed and finance them.The world wasn't any easier when I was 20;I was married with a child,a house and a full time job.I might have been young but I was an adult.

In this case the OP's son had already left home but he decided he didn't like living in rented accommodation so decided to move home which tbh during Covid 19 it's understandable but in general it's abit entitled.

When were you 20? There didn't used to be tuition fees, students used to get grants, part time (not zero hours) jobs were easier to find.

Even if it was a long time ago I doubt your experience of being married with a child at 20 was a majority thing.

Back to the OP. Talk to him! Whether he's been thoughtless or entitled or a bit of both you're all adults so have a conversation.

Cheeseandwin5 · 03/09/2020 10:04

I have mixed feelings about this and your attitude to be fair.
Firstly in relation to your son its not YOUR home as many seem to suggest but the family home. As parents we will pay for the bills and get the final say, but that doesn't mean our kids should feel uncomfortable to be in THEIR home. Especially true if you are over seas a lot, which means you would prefer it to be empty rather than your son being able to stay there.
Secondly and in relation to his gf - yes he should have asked first and you should have agreed a plan/contract ( including rental and duration) whilst she stays.

Whitneylilyrose · 03/09/2020 10:05

Absolutely ridiculous and not okay

fuandylp · 03/09/2020 10:05

Is there a backstory to this?
Why did you "reluctantly" agree to him moving back in instead of him renting somewhere this year?
There must be some backstory if you have to ask Mumsnet if it's unreasonable to raise it with him.
Of course it isn't unreasonable. It's your house. If you don't want her living there then they both need to be told ASAP so that she can find somewhere else to go. If he doesn't like it then he can also move out again.

Elephantday82 · 03/09/2020 10:06

I’d be furious and would have had that conversation as soon as I got back. I can’t believe you haven’t mentioned it.

BiddyPop · 03/09/2020 10:07

It may be his home too, but he is not responsible for that home, does not pay rent (from what I read) or bills etc. It is the parents who have bought, decorated, paid for, and manage the home in general.

So while it is his home, it is not up to him to set the rules.