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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:
MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 03/09/2020 10:08

Confused its your house. Just say "right, with term starting again and life returning to some level of normality its time for her to go home. Today."

slightchill · 03/09/2020 10:08

YANBU at all and your DS is BVU , but surely this subject came up in conversation before you went away, even if it was just a jokey "no moving anyone in while we are away now" . It would be the first thing that occurred to me if I was leaving a young person in charge of my property. What had you agreed?

Obviously you need to have a word with your son (take him out in the car on your own on a spurious errand or something) and establish whether he has moved his gf in or not. The gf may think you have approved if your son has said "my parents are cool with this". If he has moved her in, then you need to get them all around the kitchen table and be polite but very open (so he can't misrepresent your words to her) and ask them what their plans for the new term are, and tell them straight that this is not the way you go about things. Tell her it is nothing personal and that she seems a nice person but you and your DH deserve to be consulted. Good luck!

AryaStarkWolf · 03/09/2020 10:14

The cheeky fucker, how have you not pulled him up on it already?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2020 10:17

Ha ha he’s having a laugh. YANBU. Just because we had grants in our day, doesn’t mean youngsters can take the piss. I presume she has her own family! You’re not a home for his gfs.

Tistheseason17 · 03/09/2020 10:18

Start charging very high rent - they'll soon move out

Or.... simply say, "Now that we are home we need to discuss living arrangements" and have an open and honest conversation. Quite weird you haven't already - it is your house.

badacorn · 03/09/2020 10:23

I think you can be really blunt about this and tell him she can’t live in your house. CFs!

ThrawnCow · 03/09/2020 10:27

FFS. Grow a pair.

IntermittentParps · 03/09/2020 10:30

This is bizarre. Why haven't you already slung them out?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 03/09/2020 10:32

I think it would be quite reasonable to charge them the 'going uni accommodation rate' - that will soon get them moving.

I cannot believe that the girlfriend was expecting to pay you as if you are a maid!!!

D4rwin · 03/09/2020 10:35

How odd. Even if he was renting a property, with others then you'd think he's have the social awareness to consult with those he was sharing with.

Prepare an invoice for additional costs.

zafferana · 03/09/2020 10:37

They've clearly been playing house while you're away, which is cheeky enough, but to just continue now you're home is not on. You need to talk to your DS about this ASAP, make it clear that you don't want her living in your home and that either she needs to go home to her family or they need to get a flat together.

Lockheart · 03/09/2020 10:41

Lots of posters are going in very aggressively here with talk of "sling them out".

Have you established whether she's actually moved in?

Have you had any sort of discussion with them about plans going forward?

It would be better to work out what's actually happening before pressing the nuclear button.

thelilachen · 03/09/2020 10:43

Where has she come from? Is she just staying at yours a lot but still has her own home?

Fluffy40 · 03/09/2020 10:44

Type up an invoice, 50 quid a night should be fine, meals are extra !

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 03/09/2020 10:44

I am LOL at the overly polite, british responses to this eg "Darling, if its alright with you its terribly inconvenient to have someone we dont know live with us, would it be asking too much for her to move out- so sorry darling!"
Sorry but EFF THAT- you dont have a bloody stranger move in with you without fcking asking first, talk about entitled and rude. I would be asking her to leave and having a stern talking to my son about manners, boundaries and respect. wow.

Heffalooomia · 03/09/2020 10:45

I'm astounded that you even need to ask OP😳
you speak as if you are not in charge in your own home...

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 03/09/2020 10:52

charge the pair of them rent....combine the rent with a few sensible but onerous rules and chores .... suddenly it'll be much more pleasant for the pair of them to live elsewhere!

notalwaysalondoner · 03/09/2020 10:57

Of course YANBU. I imagine he moved her in during lockdown and the summer holidays for the company. But to not ask you is astonishingly rude even if you were away. Maybe they are the kind of couple where it almost happened by accident as she was staying over so much and they never had a formal conversation about it, but so weird that once you were coming back they didn’t raise it with you.

Agree with all other pps - be clear about what you want from the conversation before you have it. Do you want her to move out but not him? Do you want them both to pay rent? Do you want them to get their own place? If so, will you contribute the same amount you contributed to his student accommodation (if you did)? Then just have a calm grown up conversation as you would with anyone else and do not leave any space for him to storm off, sulk, refuse to agree that the situation needs to change.

I’d mentally think of it as more of a professional conversation you’d need to have with a colleague where you need to get to a solution, rather than being annoyed or worried that it’s your son as the tone will then not allow him to get emotional or disengage.

wheretonow123 · 03/09/2020 10:58

I agree. We have children at that age though at home most of the time. Our 20 year old son is working and living at home before going back to college.

No way any of our three would pull a stunt like that - our eldest girl has a along term boyfriend but lives at home and she sometimes stays at his apartment or his home place.

Of course you should ask your son what the situation is and tell him that her moving in like that is simply not on.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/09/2020 10:58

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have had his girlfriend to come and stay while he had the place to himself BUT he should have asked you if it was OK at the time.

Now you’re back and you’re not comfortable with a stranger living with you, you absolutely need to make it clear that you’re not happy with this arrangement going forward. This is a perfectly reasonable position and it’s entirely possible that neither your son nor his girlfriend view this arrangement as permanent.

Make yourself clear asap

SummerL1ght207 · 03/09/2020 11:05

I agree with Biddypop
It is not ok to assume
He should have asked

FWIW
A long time ago, I visited my boyfriend who lived in a shared house. He used to get charged £5 per night extra when I stayed
It was a LDR

SentientAndCognisant · 03/09/2020 11:06

@Endlessmizzle, why have you scripted such a stunted awkward dialogue with stage directions.It’s a mn phenomenon to script someone else life with Unrealistic and clunky language.

Eastenders wouldn’t script this⬇️
Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone! Drrr, young people!’

Porcupineinwaiting · 03/09/2020 11:12

God, what grim relationships some people must have with their children. Cant you just talk to him? If you dont want her moving in, how many evenings a week can she stay over? Or is it a "not under my roof " situation. Or is it about money, help around the house, privacy etc in which case say what you do want.

comingintomyown · 03/09/2020 11:23

I would tell him immediately that she is not living with you , it’s incredibly entitled of him if they want to live together they can move in with her parents!

willowmelangell · 03/09/2020 11:24

They must have saved up their deposit for rented flat by now.
"Son, we never agreed to have your gf here. We don't want her here and you need to send her home. Get something organised by this weekend please."
If he says anything about paying rent to stay, "No, it is not about money, it is about a stranger living in our home. If you had asked months ago we would have told you no then, but you went behind our backs. This ends now."
Be clear, be firm. Every day she is there is like you accept it.

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