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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:

gurglebelly · 04/09/2020 23:27

Fuck no, that is not on at all!! PP's have given good advice on how to deal with it, but truthfully I'd be livid at the level of entitlement that thinks it's ok without discussion

honeygirlz · 04/09/2020 23:28

No worries OP, please let us know when she’s leaving

Bioprepper · 05/09/2020 09:51

I’m sorry but life’s hard for kids these days and very expensive. If my son said he wanted to come back home I would welcome this. I also know that not saving, and leaving home early can lead to them being skint and coming back home when older and for a lot longer so I’d rather him be ready.

As for the girlfriend, again it’s expensive and tough for kids. As long as she didn’t piss me off too much, cleaned up after herself and paid towards bills and food I suppose I’d let her stay. She’d have to put up with my girls moaning and giving her the cold shoulder and my DH being a moody sod most if the time so may the odds be in her favour lol

nopuppiesallowed · 05/09/2020 10:02

I'm so sorry that your son has been so lonely that he had to move his girlfriend in to keep him company. Perhaps one extra house guest might not be enough next time you go away. He might decide to move in another one ( or 2. Or 3) without asking you. Because, after all, there was no phone or email access due to Covid last time! 🙄. Your son is old enough to know that he is living in his home but it's your house. And he should have asked you if his girlfriend could move in.

Carolbetty · 05/09/2020 10:06

Maybe grow a pair?
Why are you asking? Yes it's unreasonable but based on your lack of response (is that typical for you?) you can see why you son thought he'd try and get away with it.
Don't like it? Say so.
Don't say anything? Get used to your new house guest.
Your choice.

MarthasGinYard · 05/09/2020 10:13

Blimey

Berate the Op as she dared to be tardy with her response

You do realise it's not a legal requirement to come back to a thread

Brefugee · 05/09/2020 10:15

good luck, OP. When you agreed he'd live at home for this year did you discuss "house rules" - i mean, will he pay rent, contribute to bills etc? are you doing his washing?

Now is a good time to sort all that out too.

Sparticuscaticus · 05/09/2020 12:27

@Biggestbubble

Thanks for all the replies

This is the first time I’ve posted on here so apologies to those offended by my lack of response .... just working my way around the website and how Mumsnet works

I am going to be speaking to my son this weekend, but was interested to what the response would be to this issue .... I know how I feel and how I’m going to deal with it. I guess what I wanted was the confidence that the majority of people would feel/deal with it the same way. And clearly by your votes/messages they do!

Thanks for taking the time to respond and let me know your thoughts! It’s been really helpful and much appreciated

PS: to clear any misunderstanding .... the only reason we reluctantly agreed that our son could move back home was in an ideal world we would have preferred him to enjoy the whole university experience and living with other students, learning to fend for himself etc etc

That's a good update OP

I'm glad you didn't get drawn into others speculation & second guessing what you meant by every word. It's tiring on MN when PPs do that and get carried away

Good luck with your chat with your son. It's major awkward being in the position of 'umm wait you've moved to your gf into our home and now she expects to live here?" . I think it's ok to acknowledge that and say, you'd rather not have been out in this situation because he's an adult and could should have discussed it with you, it's not a free hotel it's your home, living with children you brought up is very different to living with adults you've barely met and have moved themselves in!!

KatherineJaneway · 05/09/2020 14:09

I’m sorry but life’s hard for kids these days and very expensive. If my son said he wanted to come back home I would welcome this.

OP's ds moving home is completely different to him moving his gf into the family home without even a conversation with his parents.

pinkstripeycat · 05/09/2020 14:26

I dont think before I speak and as soon as I got home and realised what was going on I’d have said something. How rude of them both!

LookItsMeAgain · 05/09/2020 17:09

Have you had the conversation with your son yet @Biggestbubble? How did you get on??

Localocal · 06/09/2020 15:49

Not sure why everyone on Mumsnet is always so hard on young people. Your son was alone in the house and then acquired a girlfriend, who came to live with him in his empty house. Result. Now he has to boot her out because you have swanned home to reclaim the nest? I don't see why your movements have to cause such upheaval in his life.

As for charging her rent - I can't believe people are suggesting you should make a profit off a student. By all means ask her for a modest contribution for groceries and hot water - like £100 a month or something. And certainly sit down with both and talk over the rules and responsibilities re cooking, cleaning, control of the tv in the sitting room, etc. But please be nice about it.

IntermittentParps · 06/09/2020 16:08

swanned home to reclaim the nest? It's her house!

I don't see why your movements have to cause such upheaval in his life. I think moving someone in without asking is the biggest upheaval going on here.

I can't believe people are suggesting you should make a profit off a student. She/they would be paying rent if they lived away from home.

TBH the son sounds like a bit of a princess, deciding to live at home because he 'didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation'. Too good for that, is he? I lived in rented flats until I was well into my 30s and many people live in rented places their whole lives.

Jeffers5 · 06/09/2020 16:21

Remember how young and potentially ignorant they are.
I think I was the gf in this situation when I was 19/20. I cringe a bit when I think about it now, but honestly at the time I thought we were completely reasonable.
I was living with my mum in a council house while I was at uni, I lived with my mum so I could pay her to live there, so she would get a bit of extra income. Me and my bf got together when we were 18. We were really from different worlds. He lived in a 7 bedroom house, he had his own wing of it. We stayed a couple of nights at my house and a couple of nights at his. We all cooked for each other. It was more comfortable at his house, so we began to stay there more and more. Eventually I was there 5 out of 7 nights a week. I often cooked for the family and often babysat his nieces and nephews who lived a couple of miles away.
I realise now, well actually I realised when I was around 25, that we never had a conversation about me staying there. Me and my bf are no longer together. I’m with someone who is absolutely amazing and I’m a grown up who is completely paying my own way! I always wonder if I should contact the family and thank them for all their kindness.

Childrenofthestones · 06/09/2020 16:27

YABVVU

For letting yourself be treated like a doormat combined with a cash machine.
Grow some balls.
Look back and ask yourself, how little respect would you have had to have for your parents to have treated then this way?

Latenightreader · 17/09/2020 07:00

Did you manage to have a chat with them OP?

zatarontoast · 17/09/2020 07:11

@Localocal I assume you don't have any late teens/young adults, £100 per month wouldn't cover a fraction of the food they eat or the water they consume! Most students will be paying at least quadruple that amount for room only, I can't see how OP is trying to make a profit out of her.

Localocal · 17/09/2020 09:54

@zatarontoast - I have five late teens/young adults. All male. I know exactly how much they eat and how much water they use. But the son and his GF will not be eating all their meals at home and OP is presumably not going to give her pocket money. But OP could, of course, see what the monthly food bill is and then split it four ways.

KarmaStar · 17/09/2020 10:48

Why were you reluctant to allow your son to live at home?
I'm in the minority here but unless they were holding parties,trashing the home or not paying for their food I'd be happy for them to stay,especially if I was away.
I'd know the house was looked after,is know my dc was safely housed and happy and by saving on rent,was not having to work on top of studying.
Unless there's a drip feed to follow,imho you are being a bit mean.get to know the girl,lay down some ground rules and see how it goes.

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