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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:
Whenwillthisbeover · 03/09/2020 13:09

@ChangeThePassword

Just act like you think she's there temporarily, and ask him when she's going home.

Then if he says she has moved in, you can tell him that's not the case.

This, exactly!

It would be the first thing I said in front of both of them “hi Sally, nice to see you again, are you staying for tea tonight or going back home”

MistressMounthaven · 03/09/2020 13:22

I'm amazed at the answers - usually on MN people are supposed to welcome their DCs girl/boyfriends, what would you expect at that age, why shouldn't DC have a sex life etc etc
A sudden about turn here.

I would say DS should have asked. But I can't quite see what is wrong with her being there when you are away - I would think this would be bound to happen if DS has a long term gf and lives alone.

Minimumstandard · 03/09/2020 13:27

There's a difference between welcoming your DS's girlfriend for a brief visit (which is fine) and resigning yourself to never having first dibs on the bathroom again.

Mix56 · 03/09/2020 13:34

I agree with change the password !
You are home now, & whilst you were OK with DS living there for free for 3 months, why should this privilege be extended to a complete stranger?

Figgygal · 03/09/2020 13:37

Why have you not spoken about it already?

You are home now and not happy with the arrangement End of

user1471538283 · 03/09/2020 13:39

No she leaves now. I've had this - the assumption that I become responsible for someone else's child without even a conversation which is only polite. She is not your responsibility and they need to make alternative arrangements straight away

Hellbentwellwent · 03/09/2020 13:42

If you don’t tell him it’s not on your accepting responsibility for raising a son who’s prepared to just expect life to pan out for him with no consideration for other people or effort on his part taking responsibility for his own life. Tell him it’s not acceptable that he treated your home as a free diss house for him and his girlfriend. You’re happy for him to stay for the year but you don’t want her living under your roof as you want to be able to relax and enjoy the hone that you worked hard to pay for. Also you need to lay out the rules under which he is allowed to stay.. can she stay over at the weekend? If so are they both responsible for feeding themselves and cleaning up after? Are you asking him to make a financial contribution to the household?

perfumeistooexpensive · 03/09/2020 13:50

I'd offer her a lift home. If she says she's not going home I'd just say that she can't stay in our house. Two days and I'll pack her stuff myself.

ConkerGame · 03/09/2020 13:51

This happened to my parents with my sibling! They thought GF was coming to stay for a week but she brought LOADS of stuff with her and they were like “why does she have so much stuff here?” And my DB was like “because this is where she’s going to living for the next year!” !! Some youths really are clueless!

My parents dealt with it by having a big discussion with them about how long the arrangement would last, how much they would contribute financially, what chores they would have, what they had to do to make sure they could move out the following year (ie saving a deposit, getting a proper job, looking for houses etc).

Worked out well in the end as DB and GF stuck to the rules, but I think it was a massive shock when it first happened!

2bazookas · 03/09/2020 13:54

@mummmy2017

You do know she is getting £200 a week from uni for 42 weeks of the year This includes her RENT about £140 a week,
BOGGLE .. Which country are you referring to?

UK universities do not pay students £200 a week. Or anything at all.

Its the other way round, students pay the costs of attending university.

Jayaywhynot · 03/09/2020 14:08

^^Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation.

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone!

THIS

SentientAndCognisant · 03/09/2020 14:15

Yes a scripted response that an online stranger wrote, that’s the way forward

DoubleDolphin · 03/09/2020 14:31

I bet hes told her it's fine to move in and it's free.

PersonaNonGarter · 03/09/2020 14:34

Poor you.

What’s done is done but, yes, speak to him alone ahead of this weekend. Don’t let it drag on.

DoubleDolphin · 03/09/2020 14:34

As he hasnt had a conversation with you, I'd ask her direct "so I presume you are going home for the start of term, nut i need to budget for food etc and is she going to contribute etc....rude of her not to ask you.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 03/09/2020 14:42

Why on earth has this not been asked to him? Why are you asking a bunch of strangers on the internet? Of course it isn't okay for him to move a randomner into the house. It's rude and taking the piss. You need to tell your son that though. He is your child after all!

PersonaNonGarter · 03/09/2020 15:10

Don’t put her on the spot. She is still a guest.

Do put him on the spot. And say you want your house back.

Jux · 03/09/2020 15:14

@Endlessmizzle

Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation.

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone! Drrr, young people!’

It doesn't matter how long you're away for or how often - IT'S YOUR HOUSE! You decide who lives there and that's that.

This is a great way of doing it if you can pull it off.

hnhvt · 03/09/2020 15:19

He obviously didn't think you would mind or say anything. No need to be rude or arsey like others have suggested. He obviously just feels very comfortable!
Just a gentle word, ask what the plan is, tell him your thoughts. What do you want and what are you willing to accept.

Yankathebear · 03/09/2020 15:24

We had this! We asked the boyfriend when he was planning on leaving. That was as good a conversation starter as any.

Yeahnahmum · 03/09/2020 15:25

Yabu for even posting about this!!!
Tell your son this is not ok and tell his gf she has to move out this weekend. Grow a back bone op

Yeahnahmum · 03/09/2020 15:26

He is taking the piss and is walking all over you. God i can not even imagine having tried to do this when i was young 😂 i would have been in serious problems...

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/09/2020 15:49

Wouldnt be happening in my house OP.!!!

MinnieJackson · 03/09/2020 16:22

Does his gf think he'd already asked you? I'd be so embarrassed if I was her and you didn't know!

MinnieJackson · 03/09/2020 16:22

@Yankathebear I like your style!

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