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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My son appears to have moved his girlfriend in

194 replies

Biggestbubble · 03/09/2020 08:42

AIBU ...... my husband and I spend regular time overseas and having returned after an extended time away due to COVID, it appears that our 20 year old student son has moved his girlfriend in with him to our home

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that .... BUT we didn’t expect him to also move his girlfriend in with him. Apparently She also decided to save money on rent and stay at home this year but it appears that it’s our home that they plan on living in!

He didn’t ask us, he has just continued as normal, and expected us to accept the situation but it’s just not sitting very well with us especially as we only met her once about 3 months previously and for us it effectively like having a stranger living in our home with us. We like her but we are still at the stage where we are making polite small talk with her.

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts? And to suggest that it’s not ok for them to live in our home and that they should get a flat together. And that he should have spoken to me before moving her in?

AIBU to be irritated and annoyed by the whole situation ?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 03/09/2020 09:18

AIBU to raise this with him and ask him what their plans are going forward when term starts
🤣🤣 why on earth would that be an unreasonable conversation that you have to ask the internet if it is OK.?

bumbleb33s · 03/09/2020 09:21

I had something similar with my 20yr old son. He didn't move her in as such but she turned up one day and a week later was still there.

She was eating at ours every day and then she started putting her washing in my basket for me to wash, bathroom wasn't cleaned properly after her, etc.

I asked him what was going on and he said he liked having her here, I told him in no uncertain terms it wasn't continuing, listed the issues and this was our home and I felt uncomfortable her being here 24/7, and I didn't even know her, he said she'd offered to pay me to wash her clothes, and paid for their takeaways sometimes, my response was, one night a week, two tops, no more, it's not about the money, it's the fact I don't want a "stranger" in my house.

All sorted now ... just sit him down and tell him that it's not happening, you might get a bit of a tantrum, but your house, your rules

MJMG2015 · 03/09/2020 09:23

I think it's very odd that you reluctantly agreed to your own SON living in, what's normally considered, the family home

What's with that?

If you are regularly away overseas then does it really affect you that much to have his gf there?

Maybe you could talk to them about spending some if the time you are home, living with her parents, if it bothers you that much.

I can't imagine being the sort of person that resents my Uni student 20 yo living at home though.

mummmy2017 · 03/09/2020 09:24

You do know she is getting £200 a week from uni for 42 weeks of the year
This includes her RENT about £140 a week,

larrygrylls · 03/09/2020 09:26

He is really lucky to be able to live in your home for nothing as an adult.

He needs to be made aware of that and that, if you wanted a house share with a stranger, you would have advertised for a lodger.

Don’t do that weird passive aggressive conversation that a PP suggested, just explain that, as an adult he has choices and your home is only a choice if he abides by your rules. Again, you can maybe kindly agree to offer to pay something (whatever is comfortable to you and you spend on him at home) towards a shared rental for him and his gf.

He is not lonely because he is not living with someone, as some have suggested. He can meet his gf out of the house and, maybe, she can live there when you are away (possibly making a contribution). But, when you are there, she needs alternative sleeping arrangements.

blanchmange50 · 03/09/2020 09:26

Its your DS, ask him what the heck is going on?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 03/09/2020 09:27

I have a friend who had this exact situation . Son was living at home while they were working abroad and they return to find a GF living there and the place like a tip. She was torn obviously about her son but you cannot have this situation . They both moved out .

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 03/09/2020 09:28

@MJMG2015

I think it's very odd that you reluctantly agreed to your own SON living in, what's normally considered, the family home

What's with that?

If you are regularly away overseas then does it really affect you that much to have his gf there?

Maybe you could talk to them about spending some if the time you are home, living with her parents, if it bothers you that much.

I can't imagine being the sort of person that resents my Uni student 20 yo living at home though.

Sadly, some 20-year-olds aren't very nice Sad. My cousin had to get tough with hers. He was very entitled, smoked weed in the house, took money from them, made a mess and refused to clean it up, would come in late and night and make a load of noise waking everyone in the house (who had to get up to go to work or school themselves).
Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2020 09:30

How often and for how long are you away? Does you have any other children or family nearby by that your son has a close relationship with?

YANBU not to want to cohabit with a stranger in your own home but this:

He had already decided that he would live at home this coming year for uni as he didn’t enjoy living in rented accommodation and we reluctantly agreed to that ....

Why the reluctance to let your son, barely out of his teens, to stay in the family home when you’re not even there? Confused

Is there some kind of backstory involving 500 strong drug-addled wild parties in his teens chez toi whenever you nipped out for a pint of milk?

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 03/09/2020 09:32

Of course YANBU. I would be very angry that DS hadn't asked permission and would tell him to tell his GF she had to leave, immediately.

I wouldn't ask them what their plans are. You need to tell your DS that your plans do not include having a stranger in the house. If you reluctantly agreed to let your DS stay then you need to lay down some house rules including chores that he needs to undertake while he is there.
If he is insistent on living with her then tell him he will have to do it elsewhere. It isn't down to you to save his gf the cost of renting elsewhere.

Annasgirl · 03/09/2020 09:32

@BiddyPop

It sounds like he needs a conversation about respect, and the fact that it is your home that he needs to respect. While you might consider proposals put to you about YOUR home, it is yours to consider and that he needs to respect your decisions and not just present you with a fait accompli and expect you to accept that.

And that is not just something he needs to hear about in this context, but an important lesson for life, because there are many people out there in the world who would not accept someone being so DISrespectful towards them - at work, landlords, partners, etc - so its far better to learn that lesson now, and that it is not just HIS opinion that matters but also those of the people on whom he depends, for whatever reason.

This OP - I honestly can’t believe he moved his gf into Your house without agreeing it with you first. I would be furious if my DC had so little respect for me and DH.
MeridianB · 03/09/2020 09:33

@Endlessmizzle

Yes just be bright and breezy, ‘so dear, when does Mary’s term start and where will she be living’ and stare him straight in the eye so that you control the conversation.

Then if he says ‘actually, here’, say, ‘oh surely NOT, that would be too bizarre for her now we’re home, I don’t think that would work AT ALL for ANY OF US. You don’t think that would work DH do you? Oh dear, NO, I’m so glad we’re having this discussion now before it got settled. You’d better have a chat with her quickly about it, all the best places to live will be gone! Drrr, young people!’

Love this!

Exactly right. Take charge.

If I was the GF in this scenario, I’d very politely say something to the parents myself to see how they felt. Not just assume (or take BF’s word for it). They both sound immature and deluded.

Requinblanc · 03/09/2020 09:34

Don't wait much longer to have a conversation.

You need to tell him that she cannot live under your roof and state that you expect her to be gone within a couple of weeks.

She should be living under her own parents' roof if she wants to save money on student accommodation, not yours.

They are probably 'trying it on' to see if you will simply go with the current status quo so just nip this in the bud.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, your son should have discussed this with you before assuming someone could just move in permanently.

If he is not happy with it, suggest he can always get a flat with her as long as they can both pay the rent by working part-time...That will help teach him that with life comes responsibilities.

CasuallyMasculine · 03/09/2020 09:37

@Iamthewombat

She’s being light hearted. It’s a good pastiche of Auntie Una from the Bridget Jones books!
Oh I see, having a joke when the OP has asked for advice. Right-o.
MeridianB · 03/09/2020 09:37

@bumbleb33s - your son said his GF would pay you to wash her clothes after she dumped them in your laundry basket without a word?

Who is raising these rude people?! Just stunned.

MeridianB · 03/09/2020 09:40

It’s not a joke @CasuallyMasculine. It’s an approach to dealing with this.

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 03/09/2020 09:41

That's a bit rude and entitled of him. Even if she was the loveliest girl in the world, the entitlement would irritate me.
Definitely have a chat.

popsydoodle4444 · 03/09/2020 09:42

Why are people so incensed that the OP wasn't keen on her son moving back in?

He's 20,he's an adult and old enough to stand on his own 2 feet.At some point in life adult children have to stop expecting mum and dad to housed and finance them.The world wasn't any easier when I was 20;I was married with a child,a house and a full time job.I might have been young but I was an adult.

In this case the OP's son had already left home but he decided he didn't like living in rented accommodation so decided to move home which tbh during Covid 19 it's understandable but in general it's abit entitled.

CasuallyMasculine · 03/09/2020 09:43

@MeridianB

It’s not a joke *@CasuallyMasculine*. It’s an approach to dealing with this.
What, to speak to your adult child in the style of a fictional character? That should work.
FlySheMust · 03/09/2020 09:43

Cheeky sod.

CheetasOnFajitas · 03/09/2020 09:45

I can’t believe you even have to ask whether it’s unreasonable to talk to him/them about it! Are you always this wet?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 03/09/2020 09:45

Why are people so incensed that the OP wasn't keen on her son moving back in?

It's MN. Again, some 20-year-olds are not very nice and take the piss.

bumbleb33s · 03/09/2020 09:45

@MeridianB he just didn't think he was doing anything wrong, he thought she was being nice offering me money until I told him in no uncertain terms it wasn't happening. I told him if things didn't change he could go and live with his dad, (that's another post complaining about his untidiness) that shook him up she's gone and he's done a 180 degree turn and all is good now .. I'm not sure it's rude per se, just that they don't think

Standrewsschool · 03/09/2020 09:48

If dc insists that gf moves in, then charge her rent! She can’t expect to live in someone else’s house free for a year. Even £200 per month is better than nothing.

It’s not to do with whether you need the money or not, more the principle of it all.

MeridianB · 03/09/2020 09:48

That’s not what the PP meant. It’s not about repeating those words. It’s suggesting an approach to conflict resolution by starting with a strong position.

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