Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

I’d be more worried by why she’s so tired.

Is there noise in her room keeping her up?
Is she staying up late on her phone?
Might she be ill?

If she’s choosing to stay up till the small hours on her phone and is then grumpy and unsociable in the day then yes I’d be annoyed. But there may be something else going on.

How is she when she's had a nap, and caught up on sleep? I don't think it is that unreasonable to want to sleep a lot on holiday. It is when you are meant to be able to relax and catch up with yourself a bit Can you not go out and do what you want while she naps, then do something together after?

She's 17, surely she should have the energy of a bull. I can remember being on holiday at 17 and i definitely wasn't in bed by 10.30. What is she like at home?

She's better when she's had a nap. But surely if she wants to sleep in a hotel room for a lot of the day there's absolutely no point in going on holiday? She can do that at home.

She says it keeps her awake sleeping in the same room as me. She's obviously used to her own room at home.

She's 17, maybe although she still loves you she finds it a bit much spending all day and night together and wants some space.
Next year you're right, she should go with her friends as that's totally normal for an 18 year old.
I'm sorry you're not having a great time after splashing out, but I don't think there's anything sinister behind her tiredness.

Cross posted. Yes your update seems clear- she needs a bit of space.

It sounds like she's not getting a good sleep at night.

To cancel next years holiday because your DD is tired from disturbed sleep would be seriously tantrumy.

Do you snore by any chance? Or move a lot in your sleep? If she's not used to sharing a room then it could be seriously disturbing her sleep.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable op though I do understand your frustration.

When I first started staying over at my partners house at the beginning of our relationship I always used to feel shattered as he snored. He used to get a bit annoyed at me being tired but from my POV it was his fault!

I do get it though, you’ve put a lot of effort into the holiday and I suspect you want your dd to just suck it up a little bit which I get. Can you buy her some ear plugs and eye mask maybe?

If I had to share a room with my mum I would need to sleep half the day too! I’m a light sleeper and she snores.

Sharing a room when you aren’t used to it and are a light sleeper is tough and teens often need a lot of sleep

You're sharing a room?

That explains it - I can't share a room with my mum - she snores and it feels all wrong not to have my own space. I can't relax sharing a room with a parent.

It’s her holiday too if she wants to sleep let her. It’s her life to waste. Stop making her responsible for your fun. Also no one wants to watch the hotel entertainment until 1am. No one.

She refuses to wear earplugs as they hurt her ears.

I'm not suggesting cancelling next year's holiday just to spite her, I just genuinely wonder what's the point if she can't sleep in the same room as me? The plan was to go for 2 weeks as it's long haul. Paying for two rooms is not an option, it's already very expensive.

What we as mums perceive as being fun, maybe not what our teenagers see as having fun. The reality of a holiday with a 17 year old is different from our predictions

Why not have 5 days in a hot country (if possible) and sleep in sun loungers, relax and read with a couple of sight seeing tours for an after A levels hols

Or just suggest she goes of with friends for a fun time

Or a quick city break the two of you

I don’t think I would have appreciated a 5* hotel at 17 like I do now

Nor do I want to watch hotel entertainment til late, but it might be good to have more of an evening. She has free access to whatever alcohol she wants. We sit in the bar, people watch and chat.

I'm really not making her responsible for my fun. But if we can't have fun together, I might as well just go on holiday with my husband!

You'd have far more fun together going to a less expensive place, but having your own rooms. Or an apartment type set up where one of you can sleep in the lounge.

She's sleep deprived. Obviously she's going to be struggling. You would be if you were the one getting no sleep.

YABU. She's 17, she's your daughter not your partner or best friend - probably doesn't want to spend every waking hour with you.

It sounds like you're not letting her do what she wants to do to relax/ recharge. Making her stay up till 1am every night when she's tired definitely isn't relaxing!

Back off and if want someone to do things with you 24/7 take DH next time and leave her at home.

Well to be honest, at her age it would make more sense for her to be away with her friends and you with your DH.
Does he not want to go on long haul destination ? Or does it have special significance to DD?
I think a shorter break perhaps self catering with your own bedroom each seems more sensible.

Where are you and how much was she involved in the planning?
Dd (17 shortly) and I travel together usually and the last few years she's said she prefers city breaks rather than beach holidays so that's what we do.

That's by the by though and your DD sounds rude and ungrateful. I find DD "because I'm tired" when she's in a pre-menstrual strop. Could your DD be going back to the room to just be on her own for a bit? Message boyfriend?

It sounds a bit that her diamond shoes are too tight. She's probably moaning to her friends in their tent in wet Skeg that she's stuck in a lovely hotel with you and it's booooring.

It's an unpleasant but common teenage thing. To which one replies "then next time you stay at home and see how boring that is"

Yes you are expecting too much.Shes a teen! Probably wants to spend her holiday slouching around on her phone rather than galivanting with her mother. I would stick to holidays with your partner in future, let daughter do her own thing with her friends.

We had a few years with teenagers on holiday where we wondered what was the point 70% of the time...they do need a lot of sleep and didn't want to get up until midday. Once we accepted this and did our own thing in the morning we started to enjoy it more. I was with DH though. A short city break might be better next year? It does get better once they reach 20s.

Well, everyone is probably right, but I'd be miffed too! Especially because my teenager is nocturnal. Bed at 1030 every night? Something doesn't seem right, my teen would think that was the middle of the afternoon!

I think a cheaper holiday with separate bedrooms is a good option.

Why not go for a cheaper hotel and separate rooms? Teens don't need 5* luxury - they'd rather have their own space and some privacy.

I wouldn't have wanted to spend 24/7 with my mum at that age - I suspect when she disappears for a "nap" she's really getting some much-needed alone time.

Who picked the holiday? Did she ask to go to a 5* hotel. Or is that your idea of a 'wonderful holiday' as you put it, and she would prefer to be somewhere else.

It's not her fault if she's not sleeping because you're snoring. She's on holiday, shes allowed to try to sleep when she can.

I’m not being rude but do you snore OP? My mum snores terribly but refuses to admit it. It’s so loud sharing a room with her, even with good earplugs!

I'm not making her stay up til 1am, we go to bed when she wants to go!

And she was very much involved in the planning. She loves a luxury hotel and would be horrified if we had to slum it.

The long haul destination is somewhere I went with my husband and loved it, and promised I'd take her there as I know it's right up her street. But I don't feel like shelling out £5k plus for her to not appreciate it.

I can absolutely go with my husband, and he'd love to be here right now. But this was meant to be a girls holiday. I'm just rethinking my future plans based on this experience.