Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

She is probably at the wrong age to enjoy a holiday with her mum. At her age she would probably be happier in a caravan with her friends than a posh hotel with you. I would change your plans for next year. Give her a cash gift so she can go off with her mates and you do your own thing.

I can't see where the OP has said they are clubbing and drinking?

She's almost an adult yes, she's not having a good time clearly, and she's being ungrateful.

Do remember though, this is MN and kids, even almost adult ones can never be wrong.

See you in the safe haven of the bargains thread!

Who is this holiday really for? 5* hotels are what adults dream about — and even then they can be tedious and bland. She'd have a far more fun holiday in a hostel with a load of people her own age.

Forget next year. I don't think sharing a room in luxury hotel with your mother is a dream holiday for most 18-year-olds.

You sound like a generous mum, OP, but maybe DD is going through a stroppy teenage phase or just wants a bit if time alone after lockdown.

You are getting some really weird comments on here op. All the people suggesting separate rooms....I like my own space but would never expect to get a room on my own whenever I went on family holidays back in the day because 99% of people can't afford to rent a five bed detached for a few weeks particularly if it is a five star resort!

Similarly you said she had all the alcohol she wanted - let's face it this would be a good deal for most seventeen year olds....but if she didn't fancy drinking it it's not as though you said you were pouring it down her throat shouting shots shots shots at the hotel bar at 1am!

Your daughter does sound a bit whiny for a seventeem year old. Can't wear ear plugs cos they hurt her ears 🙄 aghast at the idea of going anywhere not 5*? I would agree with your plan of not doing the "blow out" holiday next year. Perhaps a few years of going on holiday in grotty hostels with mates that wont even go out until 10.30 forget going to bed then, and will tell her to put some earplugs in and get over it if shes tired will make her realise the good deal she's getting.

I know MN is middle class central but there will be millions kids her age in the uk who have never been abroad. Even the vast majority of the "middle class" would struggle to go to a 5* resort every year...she really is incredibly lucky and it's not too much to ask to spend a bit of time with the person who's paid for her to do this.

Omg I was awful to my mum on holiday throughout my teenage years but by 19 I was keen on a free holiday again!
Let her chill and she might come round after a couple of days.

She sounds bored. Unfortunately few teens choose to holiday with their parents even if they are offered a tempting 5* hotel.

Give her some cash for a holiday with friends next year and go away with your DH. Everyone will have a better time.

The DD is not being ungrateful. She isn't complaining about the holiday, she's just going for a nap in the afternoon and not wanting to stay up late at night. She's not a performing deal for goodness sake.

I find it frustrating going on holiday with teenage DS. We make it acceptable to all by ensuring he has his own sleeping space, this generally means we have to go sc or 3 or 4 star so we can afford an appropriately designed accommodation.

Sometimes DH and I would go out for dinner and leave DS in the apartment. Bizarre to me he'd rather eat peanut butter wraps than enjoy a free slap up meal in an exotic location, but there we go. He visibly needed space from us and was happier on our return.

I think you'd be happier OP if you just planned for your DD not being around every afternoon.

Performing seal not deal

Your daughter is probably enjoying the holiday but in her own way, lounging around a 5* hotel room sounds lovely. And she probably does appreciate it. She just isn’t interested in the sort of quality mum and daughter time you envisaged.

Which is a shame but normal at that age. It tends to get a lot better once they’re their early twenties and you go from parent/child to girlfriends.

I’d try and let her do her own thing when she wants and enjoy the holiday with and without her. For next year I would suggest that you alot a budget as a gift for a-levels and that can be spent how she chooses: to go on holiday with you, or with her friends, and then to help choose a holiday in that budget.

Paint this as respecting her as a young adult to make her own choices (but really you’re teaching her how much these things cost)

I went for a lovely spa break with my mum and sister, we shared a room. They both snored liked broken trains. Thankfully it was only for a 3 night weekend as I could have murdered them after the first night. I'm a really light sleeper and even with ear plugs I still couldn't sleep.

Be honest, do you snore?

I snore very lightly, but she is a light sleeper.

I have stayed awake reading til after midnight to let her get to sleep first. This morning she woke me at 7 huffing and bashing her pillows. So I stayed awake, even though I would've liked more sleep, so that she could go back to sleep.

Believe me I know what it's like to be sleep deprived, I suffer from insomnia on and off. But the way I see it we'll be home in the cold next week and we might as well enjoy what we have now.

This is the 4th attempt at a holiday that she very much wanted. A lot of people would give up at the point but I wanted to make it work for her. She wasn't dragged here kicking and screaming.

God I really feel for you. The more I read about teenagers on holiday here the more I go off the idea of ever taking mine. When I was a teenager my dad would have a very full itinerary for any holiday we had, that he's have spent weeks researching, because he was very keen on "making the most". I respected and understood why it was important to do so from being probably about 12. We almost always had family rooms (so both of my parents and my sister in there with me) or I'd at least be sharing with my sister, and I was also a light sleeper. I might have skipped the occasional activity because I was tired but it was always with the understanding that generally I'd be doing the things planned. I'd have felt very disrespectful opting out of everything my dad had lovingly researched, arranged and paid for.

So no, I don't think you are expecting too much. And I'm a big advocate for not bothering next time since she hasn't got much out of it this time. But perhaps that's because my dad taught me to "make the most" and I can't stand wasting money 😂

You know what MN is like, I wouldn't pay too much heed. I didn't realise before joining MN that there are actually many people who are adamant it is absolutely fine for a teenager to spend their entire time on holiday in their room on their phone not interacting with anyone, and you would be horrifically cruel not to pay for them to do so. I have seen so many threads just like that, and always think "wow".

You are expecting too much of a teen . We took two teens on a similar holiday and they were like this - sleeping in , on phones all the time etc . In the end we would just leave them in the villa or tell them a time when we were going out if they wanted to come .

Op I think you’ve a few harsh responses. I hang out with my mum and we with my sister have girls holidays which to be honest are some of my favourite.

I think at 17 though I wouldn’t have appreciated it as much as I should have. I think make the best of this holiday and still go away next year but give dd the option of somewhere cheaper where you can have you’re own room?

You’re not an alcoholic.
It’s ok to be friends with you adult (or coming up to adulthood) children.
I think these holidays will be far more successful so don’t give up on them.

*more successful as she gets older sorry!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - are you sure your snoring is light?! (To be fair, though, even light snoring can be wildly irritating to a light sleeper who is wide awake but wanting to get to sleep - once you’ve become aware of it, it’s so hard to filter out; a bit like trying not to think of an elephant!).

It’s a shame your dd is wanting to sleep so much during the day. Sometimes it does take a while to work out how to get enough sleep in a new environment with new distractions if you are one of those hyper-sensitive sleepers! I wouldn’t decide to abandon next year’s holiday now, though. Give the both of you a bit more time to think about the realities, first, then have a discussion with your dd about it when you’re back hone again. Talking about it with her now will just guarantee you wreck the rest of the current holiday.

I’m nearly 50 but my mother still seems to think me unreasonable for wanting a nap in my own time, and has been known to shout ‘get up, you’re spoiling my day!’ at me. It has done nothing to improve our relationship. You enjoy your holiday and let her enjoy her’s, and don’t depend on her for your enjoyment.

She is genuinely a light sleeper and you snore - loud enough to keep her awake. Earplugs hurt her ears and it's horrid to say that is whinging to say so. They hurt lots of people's ears and plus having tried them myself, they do nothing except make the sound of your own breathing so loud that you then have another hideous noise to contend with. So she is genuinely tired and wanting to sleep. I'm not sure what you expect her to do about that? Lounging around in the sun all day is also very tiring for some (is for me). I think if you're expecting her to function for a whole week, staying up late without getting much sleep then yes unreasonable expectations. People don't always need separate rooms but you guys do so you have the choice perhaps of a less luxurious holiday which allows you to have separate rooms or not holiday together. What is clear is that what you are doing is not working and it's no-one's fault - including your daughters.

Your expectations are completely unrealistic, sorry op.

She is a teen, she will sleep a lot, moan possibly and be ungrateful because she is a teenager and like most of us has had enough family time to last a life time over lockdown.

Let her have the holiday she wants, down tut when she naps she needs etc and let her do her. Drop the expectations of girly fun, I think you may have to wait a few years for that.

It is actually such a nice idea, and I can see why you might feel a little hurt, but I would stick to weekends away that are less expensive for now, until she has matured sufficiently to appreciate the sacrifices and costs of expensive holidays. I don't think you are BU to want to spend time with your dd, but maybe expecting more than she is capable of giving at her stage in life.

I would not be seen dead with my parents at 17 and wanted to be with my friends and boys at that age.

I thought this a lot of sleep until you said you were staying in the same room. I think this is about space and privacy not sleep. I imagine your daughter wants time chilling without you around hence the naps.

Why are you doing everything together? You're not joined at the hip. She wants to go to bed at 10.30 she can do and you can stay and watch the entertainment. She wants a lie in, you're up...go for a coffee and a walk, she can catch up with you later. She wants some space

Also just wanted to say - I absolutely would not stand for the MN crap of "she doesn't want to spend time with her mum, she's a teenager, how dare you suggest that".

Not once on any holiday with my parents did I consider myself too cool to spend time with them. If my parents were paying for a holiday, they were not paying to be snubbed, they were paying for a family holiday. I don't mean by that that we had to spend every waking second showing gratitude and being together, but broadly speaking the attitude of "I don't want to spend time with my lame parents" would not have cut it.

It's one thing to have that attitude at home but teenagers need to learn to suck it up and show some manners and gratitude on holiday, in my opinion, or I wouldn't pay to take them again.

I can understand your frustration and your desire (excuse the clunky language) to make a point about the holiday next year.

I’d be inclined to steer away from next year until after you’ve come home, had some breathing space from each other, offloaded onto friends/DH and arrange for a chat then. Emotions are running high for both of you right now.

For the present, I’d try and go with the flow. If she wants to nap in the day take that as your down time too - sunbathe, read, swim, etc. and try and enjoy it for what it is rather than focusing on what it isn’t.

Blimey I'm going on hols with 4 teens next week .... I'm worried now