Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

I think the solution is to give her a fund to do what she wants with next year. I don't want to stay somewhere cheaper so that we can have separate rooms. At the end of the day it's me who's paying for it so it shouldn't be unreasonable for me to want to stay somewhere nice.

I agree op, as long as you are maintaining your relationship with her in other ways I think you would enjoy your holiday more at the moment with your dp or a friend. She can go off and sleep all day and do teen stuff. It is not a reflection of your relationship, you are just at different stages in life at the moment.

Sounds like the holiday from hell to me. Mum has to have 5* hotel, so forced to share a room. I can’t think of anything worse aged 17. I would never have agreed to it personally.

However well you get on no-one wants to share a room with their mum, particularly if she leaves the light on reading late when you’re trying to get to sleep. And then is resentful all day that you’re not grateful.

She needs to go on holiday with her friends next year.

Why not just do 1 week in two rooms instead of 2 weeks in one room then? That would still give you the chance of getting quality time just the two of you.

Wow people on here seem to tolerate pretty poor behaviour from their teens. I take my similar aged teens on holiday and would be really pissed off if they sat in the hotel room all day on their phones. They know the expectation is they get off their phones and come out with us and explore wherever we are for at least part of each day.

OP given that she doesn’t seem to appreciate this holiday which she helped plan, I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all to do as you suggest. Maybe you could ask what her preference is?

And for those saying teens aren’t interested in 5 star hotels - mine are! They love breakfast buffets, room service, marble bathrooms, all that stuff.

I'm sorry but who on earth pays for single occupancy, even in a cheaper hotel? I don't believe that any of you do. Single occupancy rooms in say a 3 star would still cost much more than this holiday has.

And oh yes, what a nightmare for my daughter that I've forced her to stay in a luxury hotel with me. 🙄

I've said many times that she was fully involved in the planning and wanted to come. But hey, whatever. You make up your own narrative that I'm a shit mum if that suits you.

I just asked DD (17 in October) if she likes our sharing room trips every year (some are 4* some are PI) We have Berlin, Copenhagen and Norway booked next year.
She said yes. And laughed at the idea that teenagers need a lot of sleep ("only as a catch up when we've been burning the candle at both ends/want to avoid everyone so we say we're going to bed")

I feel for you OP as you were obviously really looking forward to this holiday, but tbh at 17 I didn't want to go on holiday with my parents and the thought of going away with my mum for a week and having to share a room with her snoring and keeping me awake and never getting any time to myself would've been hell.

My DPs actually took us all (I'm one of several DC), on a big blow-out holiday when I was 17. It was to somewhere I REALLY wanted to go and had dreamed of going my whole life, but actually I was miserable. I missed my boyfriend, I missed my friends, I hated having to share a room with my siblings, I hated having no time to myself and I'm sorry to say that for the most part I really didn't appreciate it.

I'd think long and hard about whether you want to spend a fortune next summer spoiling your DD. It might be better to let her do her own thing for a few years until she's ready to appreciate a more grown-up and expensive holiday. At 17-18 I preferred going to festivals in muddy fields to fancy hotels with my family. Maybe your DD is the same.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 we don't pay for single occupancy, but I do make a point of booking a suite with a sofa bed rather than all sleeping in the same room. This is frustratingly often more expensive to stay in a 3/4 star hotel, than it would be to share a room in a 5 star, but means everyone is happier with the sleeping arrangements which is priceless.

Sounds like the holiday from hell to me. Mum has to have 5 hotel, so forced to share a room. I can’t think of anything worse aged 17. I would never have agreed to it personally*

You seriously can't think of anything worse than having to share a room in a 5* hotel with your mum? 😂

My gosh there are some spoilt people on Mumsnet.

@aSofaNearYou

Also just wanted to say - I absolutely would not stand for the MN crap of "she doesn't want to spend time with her mum, she's a teenager, how dare you suggest that".

Not once on any holiday with my parents did I consider myself too cool to spend time with them. If my parents were paying for a holiday, they were not paying to be snubbed, they were paying for a family holiday. I don't mean by that that we had to spend every waking second showing gratitude and being together, but broadly speaking the attitude of "I don't want to spend time with my lame parents" would not have cut it.

It's one thing to have that attitude at home but teenagers need to learn to suck it up and show some manners and gratitude on holiday, in my opinion, or I wouldn't pay to take them again.

This absolutely.

We took all our teens away every year to 5* places and only one of them ever stropped about stuff, he never came with us again until he realised (as an adult) that a 'free' holiday had much to recommend it!

One last thing - I suspect her 'wanting to sleep' in the day is actually just her carving out some time for herself. I'd take it with good grace, if I were you, take your book down to the pool, go to the spa, go for a walk, do something you enjoy on your own and don't make her feel bad about it. In our teens we are programmed to want to separate from our parents, her behaviour is entirely normal. Try not to see as her shunning 'quality time' with you.

I really don't mean this to sound mean I am genuinely asking did you ask her what holiday she actually wanted? Did you really listen to where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do and make it clear you were asking?

I am not saying you should have only booked for her sake not yours also but for example did she say 'mum can we stay in a 5 star hotel' etc.

Again I am not having a go!

I go away to spas with my mum and we share a room. She snores all night and I get about 3 hours sleep.

I then only meet her for meal times and while she's enjoying all the exercise classes and activities, I lie on a heated water bed and nap/read, or on a sofa somewhere with a cup of tea.

It's only by enjoying ourselves separately that we can enjoy the time together

Are there any others her age at the hotel that she could spend some time with? That way you have some time apart and can still do things together too.

My mum and I went on a number of holidays together from age 13 to 17 after my dad died. Initially it was great, but towards the end we both realised it wasn't for us anymore. Now, in my 30s, I'd love to go away with her!

I'm sorry but who on earth pays for single occupancy, even in a cheaper hotel?

Those of us that want to sleep.

There is a Greek hotel chain with 18 family owned hotels and they have great rooms for 4 people which are divided into two www.loveholidays.com/holidays/kos/psalidi/mitsis-ramira-beach-hotel.html?WT.mc_id=pgo-38299855882-kwd-5571772410&ch=hn&gclid=CjwKCAjwqML6BRAHEiwAdquMndIHwLV-aKqGmT_ck4G-5ONhVZL6kf02c3NvrFHqt2rsr9gs-h02BhoC8AEQAvD_BwE#state=BQoUAAAAA_____hQoABBQ5bDAgAAZDg&hotelTab=roomoptions
I stayed with family and it was great for a bit of privacy

I'm sorry but who on earth pays for single occupancy, even in a cheaper hotel? I don't believe that any of you do. Single occupancy rooms in say a 3 star would still cost much more than this holiday has

I always pay for single occupancy when I go away with my kids even when they were teens or in their early 20s. I get on with them really well -we just love our personal space. I also snore a bit.

@seayork2020 given the choice of where you can travel right now, neither of us had a lot of choice. But I asked her what her priorities were. She wanted sun, nice food and the best hotel we could afford. She got exactly that.

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@seayork2020 given the choice of where you can travel right now, neither of us had a lot of choice. But I asked her what her priorities were. She wanted sun, nice food and the best hotel we could afford. She got exactly that.[/quote]
She sounds a bit like a spoilt brat tbh, you have given her exactly what she asked for and she’s still not happy. You say you take her on holiday a lot, maybe it’s become boring to her? I wouldn’t bother next year, maybe do something different or give her the money to go on holiday with friends?

Last time we went on family holiday , ds was 17....he spent a lot of time in his room as didn't cope with heat and no one his age to hang out with- his body clock was totally different to rest of family too! ....spent a lot of time on his phone messaging his mates/ playing games
Think your ds just needs some space and probably go on holiday with her mates next year instead ....
Tbh I wouldn't have wanted to share room with my dm at that age

My MIL takes me to the most amazing 5* spas for amazing weekends, but I spend the whole time tired and trying to pretend I am not exhausted by her snoring. And that is WITH earplugs, eye mask and sound machine! I can't imagine trying a whole week. Be glad she feels comfortable enough to tell you she needs sleep!

Is everyone saying “you can’t expect teenagers to enjoy that sort of holiday” missing the bit where the OP said her DD helped plan the holiday and is getting exactly what she asked for??

I love my mum to bits, we get on brilliantly and this is the kind of thing we would both love too.
However, I can honestly say as a 17 year old, the reality of sharing a room with her with no space of my own would have driven me mad. And I suspect I wouldn't have realised it til we were there and actually doing it, even if I had been involved in the planning.
My mum would have been upset too as she is kind and patient and I was not so much at that age!
I think she would have had a chat with me and asked if everything was ok and probably suggested we do something different next year as sharing a room isn't working.
What you have done is really lovely but in reality sounds like its not working for your daughter. Hopefully you can both plan something different for next year based on how this has gone!

we spend a lot on holidays, last year dd and ds stayed in their rooms until 2pm whilst on a very expensive holiday, loads of activities and facilities. I've told them they can't come anymore if they don't get out of bed by 10am. They can stay in bed at home.