Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

Honestly at 17 I wouldn't have been going on holiday with my mum. My friends were all going on holidays without parents by then. I certainly wouldn't have been seen dead going to bars or clubs with my mum.

@Ginandplatonic

Is everyone saying “you can’t expect teenagers to enjoy that sort of holiday” missing the bit where the OP said her DD helped plan the holiday and is getting exactly what she asked for??

But 17-year-olds don't have the life experience to know what they want or whether, when they get there, it will actually make them happy! You can't assume an adult level of self-awareness from a teen, they just don't have it. I'm sure she thought she would like it, but it sounds like the reality isn't working for her. The huffy pillow punching at 7am sounds like exhaustion and frustration that mum is snoring away a couple of feet away while she's been kept awake all night. No wonder she's tired.

OP, the idea of a 5* hotel is often much more attractive than the actuality. In my experience they can be some of the dullest, most soul-sapping places in the world. I feel quite stunned that you expect your 17-year-old to want to sit in a smart bar and make smalltalk with you while drinking alcohol every night for a week. Why aren't you out walking round town, seeing the local colour instead of sitting in a bar which could be anywhere?

Send her on a month's tour of Europe with something like Contiki Tours with a load of Australians and New Zealanders next year. You may think she'd hate it but I'd put my money on her having the time of her life.

Some of the worst holidays I've had have been in the most expensive, smartest hotels. The best I've ever had have been budget holidays — because then you get to talk to others and meet people who think there's more to life than 800-thread-count linen.

The thing is I opened this thread expecting a tale of teenage tantrums and woe.
The DD isn't moaning generally. She is complaining about not getting enough sleep and is trying to rectify that by going to bed at a reasonable time and taking afternoon naps. She's hardly throwing the holiday in OPs face, just getting enough rest and carving out a bit of alone time which seems quite sensible.

As this is the 4th attempt at a holiday that she very much wanted I think it sounds like she takes them (and you?) for granted. If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got - time to stop the luxury girly holidays until she's older and has the life experience to appreciate and enjoy what's on offer. I agree with PPs - she sounds better suited atm to you contributing towards a holiday with her friends whilst you enjoy something more adult with your DH.

It's disappointing op, how long have you been there/how long left.

I'd say she can do her own thing next year, I wouldn't worry about that yet tho.

My daughter and I get along v well but I snore and it's not much fun for her, but earplugs have helped.

Maybe she's got stuff on her mind, or she's not feeling too good mentally. Sometimes it's not apparent why.

I'd probably say look I'm sorry if you're not feeling great, I'm hear to listen but also I'd like to relax and enjoy this time.
Take the pressure off yourself, you've not done wrong.
We went away for a few days a couple yrs back and my dd ended up really down, and frustrated.

It wasn't great and I did get annoyed, but after the bickering, the tears came and we talked.
Maybe something like that's brewing?
Xx

Having read all your updates I feel sorry for your daughter. It’s utterly horrible being kept awake by someone’s snoring all night. If she is a light sleeper then even light snoring will keep her awake. Not your fault but not hers either. I’m sure she’s disappointed the holiday isn’t working out as she’d hoped too. You don’t seem very sympathetic given you’re (inadvertently) keeping her up half the night.

Maybe she wants to go to bed early so she can get to sleep before you start snoring?

I would just look at it as a great shame but you have both now learned you can’t share a room. Try to have the best time you can.

Maybe she could try different ear plugs, if you can buy them locally. I find the foam ones best and they don’t hurt if I sleep on one side and only use an earplug on the ear facing upwards.

Good luck and hope you can have some fun even if the sleep is an issue.

I think a nice Air BNB would have been better than sharing a room in a 5* hotel. We all need our own space. When DH and I take our two grown up sons away on a family break we book on the basis that we need 3 bedrooms, this is really important.

Why aren't you out walking round town, seeing the local colour

local colour? what are you, Boris Johnson?

Some people here are being weird or just twats. The DD is being made to sit and drink alcohol? She'd prefer a caravan?! Please.

She's being ungrateful and immature. I would not even be funding any further holidays, much less letting her pick them and then shit all over them.

Maybe she's bored too? Sitting around a hotel resort is my idea of hell on holiday!

I can understand why you're disappointed but there's a hint that you think she's spoiling your holiday rather than both of you aren't getting exactly what you expected out of this. I'm getting flashbacks to an unsuccessful family holiday we once had
Presumably you've been with each other throughout lockdown and it may be that forced proximity has put additional pressures on this break because you're both together in one room.
I love nice hotels but I also love being able to sleep so we tend to either book a suite in a hotel or book an air b'n'b or rent a house so we can all still have our own space.
Cut both of you some slack Give her, the space she wants. Stay up late at the entertainment without her if that's what you want. And seriously reconsider the sleeping arrangements for your blow-out break next year.

The last ever time I took DD on holiday was when she was 17. It was only for one week. She managed to strop off about once per day. The final straw was in the airport. She threw a complete wobbly about something ridiculous, stropped off and was missing when boarding time came. She caused the plane to miss its take off slot. I've never been so angry and embarrassed in my life, doing the walk of shame to our seats with everyone glaring at us. Never again.

Maybe she's bored too? Sitting around a hotel resort is my idea of hell on holiday!

The OP clearly says this is what the DD wanted and chose though.

So she’s stropped about the idea of not going on a TWO WEEK holiday next year? And doesn’t like anything less than 5 star? Ha. I’d have to laugh and say not a chance, John actually wants to spend time with me so he’s definitely holiday partner number 1. I’d also point out it’s great she knows she can’t take any holidays with friends till she’s graduated from uni with a good job if it has to be 5 star and her own room, but it will suck a bit watching them all have fun holidays where they pile into hostels with 8 to a room.

John is meant to be your partner sorry if that’s not obvious

Hmm... 17yo sharing a room with her mum on holiday... maybe she's just feeling a bit claustrophobic?

I can't stand sharing rooms with anyone to be honest. I only share with DH because I love him so much and we tend to have sex when we go to bed. I have a terrible night's sleep if I have to share with anyone else. If she's 17 she might not have realised how much she is used to having her own room when she sleeps. At that age I needed time alone and also time away from my parents. I know she was desperate to do this holiday but she may not have thought about what it would really be like. 17 is still quite young.

Seems weird that she’s so tired all the time. Does she sleep so much when she’s home? Could she be suffering with some sort of undiagnosed illness?

I feel like I'm a lot like your daughter. I always want to go to bed at 1030 especially if I've had a big dinner. I'm a light sleeper and constantly tired, always want to nap. Maybe also her mood is a little low for whatever reason. At 17 it could be hormonal or teenage mardiness or many other things. She might want to talk about it and she might absolutely not want to.

I think you're clearly a lovely mum and have included her in planning the holiday, you gave her what she wanted but still somehow it's not quite working. Feels like a very disappointing experience.

Maybe try to go easy on both of you and don't make any big decisions about next year until you've had a lot of breathing space after this holiday. Try to enjoy yourself while she's napping, and try to forgive her for not being the holiday partner you had hoped. Maybe gently check if she's ok and if she shrugs you off just let her be. Teenagers can be difficult but it sounds like you do have a good relationship with her so you're doing great overall.

Oh I should have mentioned- definitely don't take her on this kind of holiday again. Don't waste your money if she doesn't appreciate. Go with your partner

It was about this age we realised that it was pointless booking long holidays with our teens. Their idea of fun wasn't the same as ours and DH used to get annoyed when they wanted to spend time in their room watching movies on their phones ("I didn't spend £xx for you to stay in your room all day...")

I think there's a huge amount of 'expectation' placed on lovely final holidays together before they leave home/go to uni, but in reality the best breaks we had were spontaneous city breaks for 3-4 days.

I'm sorry but who on earth pays for single occupancy, even in a cheaper hotel? I don't believe that any of you do. Single occupancy rooms in say a 3 star would still cost much more than this holiday has.

Of course you’d have your own room! I didn’t even have to share with my parents when I was a kid. You can Airbnb if necessary.

So we've had a long chat over lunch and I've said I don't think our original holiday plans for next year are going to work out for a number of reasons. She agreed. I said I'd give her a fund to arrange something with her friends and she's happy with this. But I've also said I'll now be making my own holiday plans for next year and if hers don't come off for whatever reason (I worry her friends will be crap at planning) then she can't throw back in my face the fact that she didn't get a holiday.

We've been here since Saturday and we're just here for a week, so am just trying to enjoy the last couple of days.

What makes me more frustrated is that I forfeited a holiday with my husband for her, and I know he'd love it if he were here.

I'm sorry but who on earth pays for single occupancy, even in a cheaper hotel?

Um, anyone who snores and has a light sleeper travelling with them?

Yeah great, emotionally blackmailing a tenneager after not even giving her her own room!!!!! Bet she's feeling great. That said, the Little Princess will have to grasp that with the economy in the state it is (fucked) her future jobs will never be able to stretch to five star funds so she better learn quick not to turn her nose up, and that perhaps she should have guzzled down the free booze at all expenses knees up while she had the chance

You still seem to be angry at your teenager for the holiday not working out OP?

It’s not her fault she can’t sleep through your snoring!