Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

How am I emotionally blackmailing her??!

Don't be too hard on your daughter. I think it's normal to reject your parents a little at this age before appreciating them again when you are a bit older and more mature.

I only read your posts OP and not all posts so apologies if it's already been said but on the offchance could she be pregnant explaining the exhaustion? but much more likely ordinary teenage behaviour!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - tbh, whilst your last post started out well, you sound pretty childish and petulant yourself towards the end! Enough already with the lecturing her about her not throwIng things back in your face and forfeiting nicer holidays for her! Are you really incapable of enjoying yourself whilst your dd is napping in the room? Tbh, that makes you sound like rather hard work, too! It’s not as if your dd wanted a holiday she didn’t enjoy, either.

Try different ear plugs. The ones I initially had were painful so now I use ons that look like foam slugs that fit in my ear and are really comfortable. I share with husband and kids in a family room and I'm a light sleeper so I feel her pain.

Can I suggest you simply accept that she does nto get enough sleep and needs a nap in the afternoon and actually encourage that so you get quality time together in the evening when she is happier?

@Walkaround I haven't thrown anything in her face about forfeiting a holiday with my husband for her. I've only thought it, not spoken out loud.

And I'm really not sure how I'm being childish and petulant by giving her a holiday fund for next year to do what she wants with. She agreed that that's what she'd prefer.

I do wonder how some of you parent your kids...

When I was 17, if I went to this sort of holiday with my mum I would probably do exactly what yours is. Firstly, I hate this type of holiday. Holidays where most of it is in a hotel with little else to do outside are incredibly soul sapping. Secondly, I used to treasure sleeping in hotel beds. So comfy, especially for a 17 year old might just enjoy her the rest aspect of the holiday.

Don't take it personally, she might be enjoying herself but also making the most of it in her own way.

We took our children on holiday when they were late teens at uni .They didn’t go to bed till the early hours and then slept in till early afternoon.we only saw them for evening meals at the nice restaurants we took them to then they did their own thing. It was not a family holiday! We didn’t take them again for many years...now they’re adults with families of their own we go away together again and it’s lovely....I think teens need to be with their own kind, then they come back as nice normal human beings!

Plus, she's in the room sleeping right now. I'm not stopping her. I'm just rethinking future holidays based on how this one has turned out.

Especially for a 17 year old who might just enjoy the rest aspect of the holiday*

Dunno what happened there

I've been on many holidays with my parents and I have good memories of all of them. But my trips away aged 14-19 are infamous in the family for my bad temper and general grumpiness! I have no memory of it but apparently I was awful at times. I also always needed a lot of sleep and always always had my own room (but went with both parents not just DM) we would go cheaper to afford the second room!
So I'd just chalk it up to tired grumpy teenager good. She will probably have lovely memories of the holiday if I am anything to go by!

Even light snoring can be miserable for the person who can't sleep. It makes me irrationally furious when DH starts snoring - it's like another reminder that he's asleep and I can't sleep!

I haven't read every post on this thread so someone else may already have made the comparison — but isn't this a bit AbFab? Edina sitting drinking cocktails in some upmarket but dull 5* hotel while Saffie goes to bed at 10.30 and won't go out clubbing with mum?

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - nice of you to give her a holiday fund. No need for the lecture about her incompetent friends and your suspicion they couldn’t organise their way out of a paper bag!

i went on holiday with my parents at 18 was a disaster never again-i dont share a room with anyone anymore any nose seems to wake me up i cant get into a deep sleep

@angstridden2

We took our children on holiday when they were late teens at uni .They didn’t go to bed till the early hours and then slept in till early afternoon.we only saw them for evening meals at the nice restaurants we took them to then they did their own thing. It was not a family holiday! We didn’t take them again for many years...now they’re adults with families of their own we go away together again and it’s lovely....I think teens need to be with their own kind, then they come back as nice normal human beings!

That is a family holiday with teens!

When we were teens, my parents made sure that wherever they booked was near bars and nightclubs. We always took friends with us. We’d see the parents every night for supper (and some lunches if we weren’t at the beach), have a really nice meal and then go out for the night.

I have really great memories of those holidays. It’s nice to hang out with your parents and also have your own life.

"I've also said I'll now be making my own holiday plans for next year and if hers don't come off for whatever reason (I worry her friends will be crap at planning) then she can't throw back in my face the fact that she didn't get a holiday."
You actually said the words "you can't throw back in my face"?
Surely not? That's being aggressive and that's an argument not a discussion. Is it possible that she can detect the fact that you are a ball of simmering resentment because things haven't gone to your ideal mother and daughter love-in, and she doesn't really want to spend time with you.
She may have been happy enough last year to sit at a bar with you after dinner and chat and people watch, but now she does not want to be seen with a parent because it's terrifically uncool.
Things change for teens very quickly, they grow up a lot in a year and look at life differently.

Again, I didn't give her a lecture about her incompetent friends. Those were just my own thoughts. I just made it clear that I'd be making me own plans.

And ab fab style clubbing? Haha very funny. I couldn't think of anything worse.

@livefornaps

Yeah great, emotionally blackmailing a tenneager after not even giving her her own room!!!!! Bet she's feeling great. That said, the Little Princess will have to grasp that with the economy in the state it is (fucked) her future jobs will never be able to stretch to five star funds so she better learn quick not to turn her nose up, and that perhaps she should have guzzled down the free booze at all expenses knees up while she had the chance

That post makes no sense. Either she is 'entitled' and needed telling or she is in the right.

Going on hols with my 18yo DD ticks my box for potential horror show, tbh.

Sorry the hol has been a damp squib, OP. I am amazed you got to her being 17 before realising how much this kind of set up won't work, but good for you always succeeded before.

My dad made me his holiday date (after his GF dumped him and he had already booked the villa) when I was about 21 & honestly I slept a huge amount, too (to his disappoitnment). But another 8 family members were around so he just mixed up with them instead. I slept so much because I truly was exhausted and it was very hot where we went.

I hope you work it all out.

Recent holidays that have worked successfully with teen DS involve activities and a friend. He needs a focus for the day or would sit in apartment or hotel room. But he'd be happy doing that so as long as we're all happy doing our own thing it's not such an issue.

Well done OP for having a chat. I think the rest of your holiday will go well now that's out of your system.

Op
I find it odd that you’ve parenting all the way to 17, and this comes as a surprise to you!

Either something not sharing with you that’s upsetting her - friendship or boy issues

And / or she doesn’t want to go out with her mum!

And / or she just wants to sleep (teens need more sleep) and mess around on her phone. Surely not unusual behaviour for her?

@sadie9 I used the words 'you can't complain you didn't get a holiday if your plans don't come off. I also offered to help her plan.

As far as I can see I've been as supportive as possible but as is the MN way I still get criticised.

Having read all your updates I feel sorry for your daughter. It’s utterly horrible being kept awake by someone’s snoring all night

I bloody don't, she sounds like a right pandered to madam

do wonder how some of you parent your kids...

Wow, you don't sound very nice at all.

I do wonder how some of you parent your kids...

If you are as rude to your DD as you are to people here no wonder she's in the room out of the way