Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

I think it's really lovely that you want to treat her to a blow-out 'last' holiday together next year - but tbh, having done a blow-out 'last' family holiday that we're still collectively not talking about two years on, I would give her a generous amount of spending money to take on a mates' holiday next summer. And then maybe treat her to a luxury weekend away when she's 22, knackered from her first job, and counting every penny...

OP you don't seem to be taling into account what your DD wants- maybe the free access to whatever alcohol she wants. and activities on til 1am. isn't her idea of fun.

Perhaps she wants a restful holiday where she can unwind.
I have been on several holidays with my DD since she was 16- now 20.
My DD is not a party animal, doesn't much like drinking, and that is fine.
We give each other space, read a lot, and do things that we both enjoy- exploring, walks, swimming, good food, but usually back to our room by 9pm to watch a movie.

Find out what your DD does enjoy and join in, rather than expecting her to have a boozy late night holiday that you seem to want.

Definately need separate rooms at 17 and give her more space to do what she wants. Perhaps she doesn't want to sit drinking/do the same things as you but doesn't want to say anything in case you think she's ungrateful. I suspect she is going up to her room and contacting friends etc. which is why she is tired the following day. A 5* hotel is lovely but its probably full of older people and she's bored?

What is a blow out holiday anyway?

Getting pissed and staying up late?

Not everyone's idea of fun- even at 17.

She loves a luxury hotel and would be horrified if we had to slum it.

Now that she knows she hates sharing a room she's old enough to know that going to a slightly less luxurious hotel is not "slumming it".

If she sees anything less than 5* as "slumming it" then you have bigger problems at hand.

Pretty sure that if she was with friends of the same age she would be hitting the clubs til 1am, but tbh, whether you get on well or not, I can imagine the idea of clubing with mum isn’t something most teens would want to do.

I wouldn't want to share a room with my mum when I was 17. That's your mistake I think.

God it seems that whatever you do on MN you get judged for it. It would appear I'm now being accused of being a raging alcoholic.

To be clear, we have been doing beach holidays all her life. She has always loved them. She is allowed to lounge around on a sunbed all day on her phone. I'm not dragging her off doing things she's not interested in. She wanted to go shopping early on in the holiday, which we did.

I'm just trying to make the most of what will probably our only week away this year, and trying to decide what's the best thing to do next year.

Thanks to those of you who have been constructive.

Agree too with suggestion upthread re paying for a holiday for her ‘blow out’ holiday next year, to go on a girls holiday with friends. I did that for both my DS and dd when they hit 18. They loved it, and I suspect had a far better time than if they had come with family.

Also, I've tried to gently say that it might not be the best idea to go away for 2 weeks together next year and that did not go down well! She knew she would have to share a room with me. I didn't force her to come.

I love my mum, but she is definitely my mum, not my friend.... we don’t go out and get pissed together.

Maybe next year you could have a girls holiday with your actual friends, and your daughter could have a girls holiday with her friends? You might both have a better time!

Ive had 3 teenagers (one still is). Holidays are about no pressure. Don’t worry about them being entertained, what they eat or when they want to eat. They get up when they feel like it. That’s being a teen where the world apparently revolves around them and their body clocks! The more fuss you make, the more she’ll dislike it. Just go down for breakfast when you want, go out while she’s still sleeping, plan your own day. Trust me she’ll be fine. I’m currently on holiday in Suffolk with all my kids (and husbands and partners) so it can’t have been to traumatic when they were younger or they wouldn’t ask to come away with us. Just chill

Does she not get on with your husband. Wouldn’t it have been better if she’d gone with you and him and then she could have done her own thing in the evenings?

I wouldn't want to share a room with my mum when I was 17. That's your mistake I think.

Is it? Last holiday I had with my 19 yo (Greece) I booked a two bed apartment.
She wanted to share the same room- two single beds- because in her words it would be "more fun to bunk up together"- which it was.
We used the second bedroom as a dressing room and a place for our suitcases and clothes.

Is the tiredness jet lagg or is she possibly unwell?
That’s what would be bothering me

Just maybe your idea of fun and hers are not the same. Your 17 year old child isn't a drinking partner for you.

There’s no way I would have wanted to holiday with my mum at 17, sorry. I just wanted to be with my peers. Mortifying thought to go to bars etc with my mother. Why didn’t your husband join you? She’s sleeping as a displacement activity to pass the time until you go home. Next time I’d Stay somewhere cheaper but bring your husband and one of her friends then you can go off as needed. Or she may not want to holiday again aged 18. Sometimes it reverses once they get older and need you to help with babies

I would go with your DH next year if you're able to, or go somewhere different with him.

Two weeks of just you and DD is too much and it doesn't sound like either of you would enjoy it. Besides which who knows if exotic location holidays will even be on the cards next year.

I went on holiday with my SM at 17 and (whilst we love each other dearly) we drove each other batshit.

She snores like a sailor on leave and we shared a room. I am a light sleeper and a bitch of a bear without sleep.

Basically the worst holiday ever due to this issue. Are you a snorer, OP?

I think she has different ideas on what’s fun than you do, maybe she’s not really into drinking and staying up late?

My dd is a similar age and isn’t bothered about drinking, she would also moan if she had to share a room as she’s used to sleeping alone and is a light sleeper. My dd can be a moody cow when we go away, usually due to lack of sleep.

Maybe go off on your own to do something and leave her to have a nap or to do what she wants to do?

OP - how bitterly disappointing.

I would salvage the last few days FOR YOU (if you’re still on holiday) and revisit what to do again next year.

Sounds like you’re a snorer OP, as you mentioned she won’t wear earplugs. It’s miserable sharing with a snorer (I am a snorer but this is still true!) I get grumpy and unhappy when I’ve lost sleep, and resentful. Sounds like she’s not complaining though, just trying to catch up on the lost sleep. I think it’s very mean of you to effectively threaten to cancel next year‘s holiday on the strength of this. Now she’s going to be tense and trying to do this holiday ‘right’ to please you. Not much of a holiday.

I honestly believe it's a very rare 17 year old who would want to spend every waking (and sleeping!) hour with their Mum, no matter how good their relationship.

And presumably you've spent far more time in each other's company in the last 6 months as she won't have been at school?

It just sounds a bit much! It's a shame for you, but children grow up and want to do their own thing.

My DD is now 26. We have been going away together once a year since she was 12. The most difficult holidays were the ages of 17 and 18. She was quite horrible and to this day she doesn’t know why. Probably hormones and being a stroppy teen. She always chose where we went and where we stayed.

Stick with it, it gets better and we have had some fantastic holidays and such wonderful memories.

Teenagers can be very contrary and annoying.

My dd sleeps a lot. We went away the two of us after a levels and we had apart time and did lots together , but she didn't stay up late either. They seem to need a lot of sleep