To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm also very surprised, so surprised I'm actually wondering if it was the AA helpline you got through to. I do a regular shift on the helpline and this is NOT how anyone I know would handle such a call.
Do you mind saying which number you called? There is a national number and local numbers. Calls to the national number will get redirected to a local number which may not be local to you but we have all the information required to point you in the right direction.
Please don't be put off AA, it seems you encountered a complete duck, that is not Goethe fellowship does things.

What do you think the issues are with his drinking, what makes you suspect he is alcohol dependent?

If you have concerns and have made the first step to get help it does seem a bit off to laugh at you

Apols for typos and auto-correct nonsense. I should proof read before posting.

I'm sorry you received that response when you were reaching out for help. I know it might sound simplistic but if he's not dependant why is he bingeing? Surely he could just cut down / stop?

AA is just one way of dealing with alcohol issues, is has its critics. There are other routes which might suit him better. This has been brilliant for me;

thisnakedmind.com/

That's absolutely appalling and I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience. I've known many people who have done service on the helplines and they have all taken each call extremely seriously and would not have dreamed of doubting or mocking callers. I actually feel really saddened by that.

Would your husband feel ok about dialling into a Zoom meeting? He doesn't have to say anything or to have his video camera on. He could listen (and we say listen for the similarities, not the differences) to see if anything resonates.

Alcoholism is a spectrum. It's how you drink, not necessarily how much or how often.

Hi thanks for the replies , it was the 0800 number when i google them.
I don't think he's dependant , he's not . But for as long as I've known him he's binged when he's gone on a night out and it's caused problems between us - more recently coming home 7am after staying out with people he'd just met . I think it's reckless and irresponsible - especially when we have 2 dc , they've never seen him like it but it ruins weekends with him staying in bed the whole next day. He's promised so many times that he'll watch what he drinks and come home at a reasonable time but then goes out and looses control . After the most recent binge I've told him I'm at the end of my tether with it and that he needs to seek help to which he's agreed -he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol which he's finally willing to face up to - just don't know where he can get support with this.

I’m also very surprised you got that response. And you’re right - you don’t have to drink daily or be dependent to be an alcoholic. I was neither of those things, but once I have a drink, I can’t stop. Of course, I may have ended up dependent if I had carried on - it’s impossible to say. It could be worth trying the helpline again - shifts only tend to last a few hours, so if you call later you should get someone else. If you do, please mention what that person said to you - it sounds like they need a quiet word about how to answer calls.

Ok first off nobody should have laughed at you. AA is a place of support so even if someone has ended up in the wrong place, laughing is a really bad idea because it could potentially put someone off asking for help again when they so obviously need it. And, seriously, it's not a myth when they say that's a HUGE step. So many people just can't bring themselves to say they have a problem with drinking. Well done to your DH for taking that step.

Lots of alcoholics started as binge drinkers. It's a slippery slope. The time that passes between each binge gets shorter and shorter and descends into what we traditionally recognise as alcoholism.

AA works towards getting people sober so there's no real room there for binge drinkers. According to them, you belong there if you want to get dry. If your DH feels he isn't dependent on drink then he would have no place in AA. If he wants to stop drinking, they can help.

There are of course other ways to stop drinking. I went to a couple of AA meetings but found that its ethos wasn't for me. That said, I think it's an incredible life-saving organisation and the place I recommend as the first port of call for anyone who wants to stop drinking.

I'd ask you to consider something. If he needs help to stop binge-drinking, how can he think that he doesn't have a drink dependency problem? If he didn't have a dependency issue then surely wanting to stop would be enough to make him stop. If it's not enough and the binges keep happening, doesn't that mean there's a dependency?

How often do these binges happen? If it’s twice a month that’s a different kettle of fish to once a year.

He's just got in and said when he called them they said unless he wants to go teetotal they can't help him and it was like talking to his mum 🙄 so a slightly better experience than I had but still like the guy said to me -we're Alcoholics Anonymous, we help alcoholics lol

@Whatifitallgoesright thanks for the link, we'll take a look

@JustHavinABreak he recognises he has a problem but doesn't feel he's dependant on drinking -he doesn't need to drink every day , he doesn't depend on it . There must be a name for what's the matter here - I just don't know what it is .
A friend of mine said he's what you would call a 'problematic drinker ' and that aa could help - so that's why we started there x

I've called them before and didn't get any support, quite the opposite, they made me feel like shit.

Alcoholic anonymous can’t really help him with his particular issue. They’re they for mental/physical alcohol dependancy, tot he point where the ultimate goal is to become teetotal, as a single drink can send you spiralling back down.
Binge drinking on an odd night out is a personal choice/allowing himself to get carried away. Me and my oh go out and get leathered on occasion, it doesn’t cause problems for us though. Your oh is making the choice to do this. I don’t know whether counselling for the both of you may be the way forward

@Whatifitallgoesright
Wow just scanned over the website and it's definitely something we'll look into later when the kids are in bed

OP if you contact your local drug and alcohol service they will be able to help your husband, they will be experienced in working with binge drinkers, good luck

@Itsjustabitofbanter yes I think maybe this would be a good idea for him -get to the root of why he allows himself to go so far

@Ofalltheginjoints yes good idea thank you

AA is based on abstinence for alcohol dependent people, it's not an advisory service on binge drinking. I mean, honestly, can your OH start by looking at the NHS website on binge drinking if he wants general advice?

I don't understand - he can't control himself when he drinks, everything spirals out of control but he's not considering stopping drinking?

What does he want them to do, come on a night out and knock every other drink out of his hand?
He's either an alcoholic and has no control over his drinking, in which case he needs to stop drinking, or he's just being really fucking irresponsible, and needs to stop at2-3 drinks every night out. It's not a human right to get drunk regularly, and if you can't handle it stop.

Unfortunately OP, you can't do it for him. I know many alcoholics and it always started like this, not being able to control the amount of alcohol drunk once starting. You should go to Al-anon - it's AA for the friends and family of alcoholics.

I think perhaps your DH needs to get away from the idea that an alcoholic is some poor homeless guy sleeping rough in the park, necking back his favourite poison from inside a brown paper bag. He sounds like a functional alcoholic to me. Disappears for hours, can't be relied on to return home when he said he would, chooses drinking time over family time.

@AlexanderHalexander
That's a pretty snarky reply , he wants to get help for something he doesn't feel in control of . I don't know what that's like-he wants to be able to go and have a drink with friends and not go overboard and drink to excess -I don't know why he can't control himself ! He has a problem

How often does he go on a night out then op? And how old is he?

also do his mates also drink to excess on these nights out?

I phoned a work helpline recently in a state of some distress about a recent close death.

The lady picked up and said in a bored voice 'how can I help you?' I said I'm quite upset about a death in my family. She said without even batting an eyelid 'have you thought of spending some quality time with family?' like an automaton. I said no, my family member's just died so I couldn't really spend any time with them even if I wanted. She repeated what she's said 'well, it really helps to spend quality time with family during lockdown'. I just put the phone down! Who says that to someone in the midst of their grief?

The quality of response on these type of calls is really variable. In the case of alcohol problems, it's also ridiculous to dismiss binge-drinking, people can die of binges! Not all alcoholics are daily drinkers. Problematic drinking can also slide towards more severe issues over time.

Sorry you had that response, perhaps follow up some of the support ideas on this thread.