Page 4 | To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

bellini891 · 2020-09-02T17:05:54+00:00

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency. I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 19:18

Ok seems I differ from most people. Everyone thinks he’s blameless and has a problem with booze.

I think he’s fully to blame, doesn’t have a problem with booze And is doing it because he enjoys it and that’s what he wants to do. He doesn’t want to end the night and come home. Now he’s agreeing it’s a problem as then he can’t help it and it’s not his fault is it...

Sevo7 · 02/09/2020 19:18

He’s not dependant obviously but his drinking is problematic and therefore he needs support, if he wants it and is ready to tackle the issue.

Original poster

bellini891 · 02/09/2020 19:19

I've mentioned my child because at weekends I really need the extra support having been on my own with them all week -so these binges are having an impact on family life and me and the kids end up staying in all weekend as I can't take them out alone

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 02/09/2020 19:19

@Bluntness100

Ok seems I differ from most people. Everyone thinks he’s blameless and has a problem with booze.

I think he’s fully to blame, doesn’t have a problem with booze And is doing it because he enjoys it and that’s what he wants to do. He doesn’t want to end the night and come home. Now he’s agreeing it’s a problem as then he can’t help it and it’s not his fault is it...

Bold of you to think you know better than his wife too.

Original poster

bellini891 · 02/09/2020 19:20

I've gotta go so thanks again for the links and advise . I've found this quite upsetting listing on here so I may look later -I may not .

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2020 19:20

AA isn't the place. Local alcohol services are. He's not clinically an alcoholic because it sounds as if he's nowhere near physically dependent. However it does sound like he can't stop once he's started and that's problematic substance use, yes.

The real issue here is you calling AA for him. If he acknowledges he has an issue, which he wants to address, he needs to do the work.

I suspect that what is actually happening is that he doesn't really want to stop and you are trying to get advice for him, which will be completely ignored. You have to decide if monthly binges are enough to end the relationship. If they are, tell him that's the choice and if he doesn't address it, leave. If not, I suspect he will carry on. You have an issue with his drinking. I don't think he does.

SallyMullally · 02/09/2020 19:21

OP

MadameBee · 02/09/2020 19:21

Former drug and alcohol worker here.

It is not up to anyone else to decide what is and is not problematic drinking for an individual.

If you drink once a year and are an arsehole to your friends and family or have consequences you can’t cope with that is problematic drinking to you, the individual.

Addiction is personal and individual and that helpline worker should be retrained or sacked.

PoxyPixie · 02/09/2020 19:22

Bluntness I disagree that having a problem with alcohol makes somebody blameless. I didn’t choose to have a problem with alcohol but I did choose to spend a long time doing nothing about it and denying that it was a problem. That was 100% on me and I was 100% to blame for my actions when I was drunk.

user1481840227 · 02/09/2020 19:23

My ex went to AA for a while and most of them there (including him) were problem drinkers..not alcoholics.

PeartreeProductions · 02/09/2020 19:23

Bluntness100, you don't have a clue about alcoholism and the difference forms it can take on other people's life and situation.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 02/09/2020 19:23

It’s one night out a month where he drinks as much as he wants. He’s really not an alcoholic, which is why you literally got laughed at by aa

CherryValanc · 02/09/2020 19:24

You phoned AA for someone else and told that the person you were calling on behalf of wasn't dependant on alcohol but just needed to drink less. I can understand why the man on the phone might have found that odd.

(For a start if the partner of the drinker doesn't think the drinker is an alcoholic then the drinker really won't think they are. For AA you need to admit to yourself you have an issue with drink.)

AA is for the person who wants to stopped drinking to contact them, they can't do anything for a partner (But try Al Anon.)

Also understand the man on the phone isn't in anyway an expert. He's just a member of AA who's been through the programme. Unfortunately, this means he could be talking through his arse and expressing his believe.

If your husband calls then he could very well have a different experience. But he has to want to stop drinking for AA to be any use.

Pumperthepumper · 02/09/2020 19:24

I think Bluntness has proved they know nothing about addiction. Bluntness also recently posted on a thread about a dad doing 5% of the parenting of his own child as fair enough because it’s boring, so probably isn’t the best poster to listen to.

Shaniac · 02/09/2020 19:25

Aa should absolutely have not laughed at you and everyone should be free to get advice. That said have i honestly read it right that he goes out once a month and gets pissed and is hungover the next day and you reckon thats a problem? Its not. I know alcoholics dont have to drink everyday but once a month is not an alcoholic or problem drinker at all and every health professional will tell you that.

My dp is an alcoholic. He doesnt drink every day but he drinks at least 16 days a month and im talking a bottle of vodka plus each time until he is wasted. His is a deep rooted issue from neglect and child hood trauma and having an addict as a parent he is repeating the cycle. It honestly just sounds like your husband likes a night out once a month.

doistayordoigo · 02/09/2020 19:25

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies for that, but wanted to post that my DH has had similar issues, which were really causing problems between us. Things came to a head after one particular incident, and I gave him an ultimatum to get it under control or that was it. And for the first time, rather than me just moaning, I think he realised I meant it.

What really helped him (and us) was counselling which explored why he felt the need to drink the way he did, which included not knowing when to stop. Fingers crossed, we're in a much better place now, and he has a much greater understanding of why and how he drinks, and is therefore able to make better decisions around it.

Kittykat93 · 02/09/2020 19:27

I think your husband is being a complete arse. He should not be going on all night benders every 4 weeks leaving you with the children.

Kasparovski · 02/09/2020 19:27

A few questions for him to think about (you can’t answer for him OP...because this is about what’s going on inside his head)

does he experience a real craving for the substance of alcohol? Sometimes this can be triggered (hand gels etc) or it can be totally out of the blue.
how much of his thinking and headspace each day is filled with thoughts of when the next drinking session will be?
can he say, tonight it’s 3 pints then I’m done or does he drink and consume drink quickly and to oblivion?
has his pursuit of drink caused him to lie to family/work etc, conceal bottles etc?
how would he really feel about a future of abstinence?

Just a few questions that might point towards a psychological dependency....

Pumperthepumper · 02/09/2020 19:28

@Shaniac

Aa should absolutely have not laughed at you and everyone should be free to get advice. That said have i honestly read it right that he goes out once a month and gets pissed and is hungover the next day and you reckon thats a problem? Its not. I know alcoholics dont have to drink everyday but once a month is not an alcoholic or problem drinker at all and every health professional will tell you that.

My dp is an alcoholic. He doesnt drink every day but he drinks at least 16 days a month and im talking a bottle of vodka plus each time until he is wasted. His is a deep rooted issue from neglect and child hood trauma and having an addict as a parent he is repeating the cycle. It honestly just sounds like your husband likes a night out once a month.

You have read it wrong, yes. Here you go:

more recently coming home 7am after staying out with people he'd just met . I think it's reckless and irresponsible - especially when we have 2 dc , they've never seen him like it but it ruins weekends with him staying in bed the whole next day. He's promised so many times that he'll watch what he drinks and come home at a reasonable time but then goes out and looses control . After the most recent binge I've told him I'm at the end of my tether with it and that he needs to seek help to which he's agreed -he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol which he's finally willing to face up to - just don't know where he can get support with this.

He drinks less than your partner. He’s still an addict.

SallyMullally · 02/09/2020 19:28

AA aren’t professionals. They don’t get paid. They are just members who have got sober through the 12 step programme and volunteer to man the lines.

Just thought I’d point that out.

Absolutely no excuse for shitty behaviour towards callers, but they can’t really advise on different approaches to different drink problems like, say, a NHS substance misuse service might be able to. Their advice is really about encouraging people who want to stop drinking to attend a meeting and start a 12 step programme.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 19:29

@Itsjustabitofbanter

It’s one night out a month where he drinks as much as he wants. He’s really not an alcoholic, which is why you literally got laughed at by aa

Of course.

And there needs to be honesty and personal responsibility. That’s how to resolve it. He needs to admit that it’s shitty behaviour and be honest about why he does it. Why he feels the need to cut loose like that, stay out all night and party when he gets the chance once a month.

Not “I have a problem with booze, you’re right, and I just can’t help it”. That’s a Bullshit get out of jail card.

He needs to tell the op exactly why he does this, why he feels the need to maximise his night out like this, and be honest if he’s willing to stop doing it and come home at whatever is deemed “ a reasonable time” or if these nights once a month when he gets to go out and stay out, drink what he pleases and basically act like a single carefree man are too important to him.

mathanxiety · 02/09/2020 19:30

He's just got in and said when he called them they said unless he wants to go teetotal they can't help him and it was like talking to his mum

It may have been stated very harshly, but actually, AA spoke the truth.

All this 'I have a problem but the problem isn't alcoholism and I'm not an alcoholic' is a pile of bullshit. He has taken a little heat from you about his latest binge and believes controlling it better might keep you off his back. He sees you giving him grief about the binge as his problem.

To derive benefit from AA/ the 12 Step Programme you have to first admit that your problem is alcoholism. He hasn't done that when you have called on his behalf, when he rolls his eyes and says people telling him he has a problem sound like his mum, or when he calls them himself and presents his problem as occasional binges.

If he wants help controlling his bingeing then what does that tell you?

AlsAnon · 02/09/2020 19:30

I would steer clear of AA and seek help, as some have suggested from local authority or other similar services, including a number of charities.

AA is based on a bizarre right-wing Christian religious cult from the 1930s (the Oxford Group). How it came to be viewed as the principal source of help for alcoholics is beyond me. Just look at the 12 steps - they're all about being helpless and getting God to remove your sins. The meetings are dire - people rambling incoherently and pretending everything is wonderful since they found God/AA.

I used to have a severe drinking problem, but have now been sober for over 10 years, yet AA would accuse me of being a 'dry drunk' because I eventually sorted myself out without seeing the light through their teachings.

Shaniac · 02/09/2020 19:31

@Pumperthepumper. That literally doesnt disprove what i said. It sounds like the ops anxiety has just got the better of her and she doesn't want him going out at all on weekends. Like people on here stupidly saying drinking to the early hours isnt normal... Yes it is hence why most clubs are open until 6 or 7am.

theemmadilemma · 02/09/2020 19:32

He might not be physically dependent. He is mentally.

Reach out to your local alcohol/substance abuse services. AA wasn't for me, I used my local alcohol service and am about to hit a year sober (I was a late stage alcoholic.)

Counsellers there should be more used to dealing with binge scenarios.

How terrible of AA to basically laugh you off the phone though.