To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

OP - I have similar issues with my DH.

We have implemented a regime that he is quite good at sticking to of only drinking on certain nights of the week. The trouble is if there is any social drinking at all he never knows when to stop.

Get's drunk, embarrasses me, horrific hangover next day. Without fail. He can't stop, even if he wanted to.

I have given him ultimatums before but he minimises them. Posts on facebook that he got a 'telling -off' from the wife for overdoing it.

I'm sick and tired of it, but I love him and don't want to leave him.

Have thought about counselling, but don't think I'd be able to persuade him to go.

That’s one certainly one way of looking at AA! @AlsAnon

I don’t find it that way at all, personally. ‘God’ in A.A. is ‘a power greater than yourself’ - it is the fellowship for many people, or nature, or anything other than your ego and the voice in your own head.

It’s quite powerful for people for whom ‘self help’ approaches don’t work.

My MIL used to binge drink a bit like this, I think.
I only saw her drunk once.
She died of cirrhosis.

@FOJN

I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm also very surprised, so surprised I'm actually wondering if it was the AA helpline you got through to. I do a regular shift on the helpline and this is NOT how anyone I know would handle such a call. Do you mind saying which number you called? There is a national number and local numbers. Calls to the national number will get redirected to a local number which may not be local to you but we have all the information required to point you in the right direction. Please don't be put off AA, it seems you encountered a complete duck, that is not Goethe fellowship does things.

I'd agree with this. I have a friend who attends AA, and is drinking manifested itself in serious binges - and in many ways this is more dangerous than regular "dependence" drinking.

He has been fully supported - no-one has ever laughed at him - no-one should do this. Even if they think you are over-reacting, there's NO WAY they should behave in such a downright rude and dismissive manner.

For all they know, you may be building to a big "reveal" about your DH's drinking, or even your own (some people start off talking about a friend or relative when it is their own consumption they are worried about).

I think you've either misdialled or you've got in touch with a total twerp!

It's similar to eating or gambling -

Perhaps whether something is a binge is subjective rather than objective. Is it something that the day before or the day after still seems like a good idea or does it represent a loss of control? Is it actually fun or not?Does it have an impact on health, relationships etc. Only he can answer these and similar questions. If he doesn't have any joy with your GP or drug/alcohol team he could just go and see a regular counsellor with experience of these issues. There are questionnaires and websites eg drinkaware that can help a person think about this

@IHaveBrilloHair

I've called them before and didn't get any support, quite the opposite, they made me feel like shit.

That is terrible. No one with a worry over their or a loved one's drinking/drug use should be 'Made to feel like shit'.

NA/AA /CA is an abstinence based group- So unless someone 'Admits they are powerless over Alcohol/drugs/gambling' they can be a bit unsympathetic..and give you a hard time.

However, AA/NA &c do really work wonders for some people, and is life saving for them.

Just because one person was a dick, don't let it put you off the group as a whole.
I have known drug users attend AA meetings, despite not being drinkers, as 'addiction is addiction is addiction'...and a nearby meeting is better than none at all.

Your DP first has to acknowledge that he does have a problem though...which sounds like he does. Good luck!

Right now he's only controlling his addiction by not doing it very often. But not very often is too often for him and you. And it isn't right, it isn't ok. Not knowing when to stop is a classic part of the addiction, or it certainly was for me. Once I started, I wanted more, more of this feeling, and I did not know how or when to stop. I just didn't want to.

There's really only one choice in that situation and it stopping drinking full stop.

A local service can help him understand his addition (and binge drinking still is) and help him stop and stay stopped.

He may want to keep going out and having just a few drinks with friends, but that may not be possible for him, if he genuinely can't make himself stop drinking once he stops.

If he's just saying he wants to stop drinking irresponsibly to appease you, that's one thing, but if he honestly wishes to make a change, going teetotal may be the most effective way to achieve that, unless he always has someone with him to cut him off (and if he'll be okay with that in the moment and not become angry when they give him the sign).

I wonder if this is the sort of thing that hypnosis could help with... But again, he'd have to truly want to change for it to make any difference.

*once he starts, obviously...

I have been in AA for 16 sorry you were upset by the response of the helpline
Having not heard the actual conversation it is difficult to comment you were obviously in distress and looking for help
But someone who binge drinks once a month I would not say is an alcoholic but just someone who can’t be sensible and drinks too much
But this may be the start of a slippery slope
AA is for alcoholics and our helplines are only answered by fellow members and yes he/she may have laughed but probably offered you the best advice

Oh having said that I'm not saying that his GP wouldn't say that say X no of pints in one day is excessive/harmful - of course it's not subjective whether or not it's hurting his liver.

he doesn't need to drink every day , he doesn't depend on it . There must be a name for what's the matter here - I just don't know what it is

The name is ‘alcoholic’. Don’t kid yourself.

I do think he has a problem . Ike you say he can end up anywhere with strangers and you have no idea where he is .

I suggest you try and get help . You have have been given some excellent links .

And in case he is not serious about getting help . You go out . Leave him with the children and turn your phone off and come back lunch time the next day . If he asks you where you have been say you don’t remember and can’t remember who you were with either .then go to bed .

Then perhaps he might understand how you feel.

@HopeClearwater

he doesn't need to drink every day , he doesn't depend on it . There must be a name for what's the matter here - I just don't know what it is

The name is ‘alcoholic’. Don’t kid yourself.

He’s no more an alcoholic than everyone else out on the weekend in clubs etc till the early hours. Get a grip,

Honestly were none of you young once? Did you not go out drinking and partying with your mates into the early hours ? Do your young adult kids not do that ? And stay out with their friends, clubbing into the wee small hours? Or do they and you roar they are alkies at them.

[quote Shaniac]@Pumperthepumper. That literally doesnt disprove what i said. It sounds like the ops anxiety has just got the better of her and she doesn't want him going out at all on weekends. Like people on here stupidly saying drinking to the early hours isnt normal... Yes it is hence why most clubs are open until 6 or 7am.[/quote]
I agree. It’s a non issue as far as I’m concerned. This is what he likes to do, go on a one night bender once a month. The op presumably doesn’t. It would be great if the op could get a hobby that takes her out the house once a month if she feels it’ll make it more fair. I think it’s more the op’s issue than her partners though. An adult should be able to go for an odd night out without their partners dictating their money, how many drinks they’ve had or what time they have to be home by.

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned, but I highly recommend One Year No Beer (OYNB). It's an organisation designed to help you look at and change your relationship with alcohol if you want to. You sign up to a 28/90 or 365 day challenge to go alcohol free for that period. They send emails and videos and there's an incredibly supportive Facebook group. Lots of different people with differing drinking styles - from heavy binge drinking to a daily crutch. There's no being a victim to a disease that you get with AA, no definition of whether or not you're an "alcoholic" - the premise is that if you feel it's a problem, it is ... It's all about figuring out your own reasons for drinking and just seeing what life is like without it. Many people who complete the challenges eventually stop alcohol completely (like I have despite my Username which refers back to earlier days) but many go on to try to moderate. Lots of guys on there - so if you're husband is open - it would be great to get him to check it out.

The problem with asking for help here is that mumsnet is full of posters who think anything other than a sherry once a year at Christmas is problematic drinking.

AA shouldn't have been rude to you but they aren't appropriate for a once a month drinking session. It sounds like DH is using his drinking to check out of family life for a couple of days. AA can't help you with that.

[quote Shaniac]@Pumperthepumper. That literally doesnt disprove what i said. It sounds like the ops anxiety has just got the better of her and she doesn't want him going out at all on weekends. Like people on here stupidly saying drinking to the early hours isnt normal... Yes it is hence why most clubs are open until 6 or 7am.[/quote]
No - regularly drinking until 7am with people you don’t know isn’t normal. It isn’t. That’s not going out with friends and losing track of time. That’s seeking out people who enable you, who you can blame.

Honestly were none of you young once? Did you not go out drinking and partying with your mates into the early hours ? Do your young adult kids not do that ? And stay out with their friends, clubbing into the wee small hours? Or do they and you roar they are alkies at them.

Again, for the cheap seats, that’s not what he’s doing.

@HopeClearwater

he doesn't need to drink every day , he doesn't depend on it . There must be a name for what's the matter here - I just don't know what it is

The name is ‘alcoholic’. Don’t kid yourself.

Alcoholism is a mental illness affect the sufferer mentally physically and spiritually it runs much deeper than just binge drinking once a month. I have noticed the alcoholic label is given on here to anyone who just drinks too much

If a woman in her 40s was going out getting absolutely blind drunk with strangers, to the extent she couldn’t remember where she’d been, and then staying in bed all of the following day ignoring her kids, every single month, would this still be excused as “letting off steam”? Sounds pretty problematic to me.

OP I think people’s opinions on this is probably going to come down to whether they have someone like this in their life. The staying out til morning getting served anywhere he can after his friends have gone home sounds very unhealthy and yes, problematic. I think unless you have experience with someone like this, disappearing on a binge, no contact, still drunk the next day, letting you down with plans etc. you maybe can’t see the issue. I have a relative like this and they can easily go 6 months without drinking but once they have one drink, even if it’s only meant to be one beer with lunch or whatever, that will be them on a binge, and they have no control over it. It is 100% an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

It makes you feel sad and sick to your stomach to think of your loved one out drinking with people they don’t know and you don’t know when or what state they’ll be coming home in.

Honestly were none of you young once? Did you not go out drinking and partying with your mates into the early hours ? Do your young adult kids not do that ? And stay out with their friends, clubbing into the wee small hours? Or do they and you roar they are alkies at them.

I did it plenty when I was a student. Now I’m closer to 40 and have children, no I don’t. I didn’t stay out getting mortal with strangers for hours after my friends had gone home either - which is what OP’s husband is doing and you’re pretending is the same as a few drinks with his mates.

No - regularly drinking until 7am with people you don’t know isn’t normal. It isn’t. That’s not going out with friends and losing track of time. That’s seeking out people who enable you, who you can blame.

That. It sounds like his friends have long gone home and he's still out finding anywhere to continue his drinking mission. That's not having a good time, that's once I start drinking I can't stop until I am stopped. And that is a big fucking issue in some one's life.

An adult should be able to go for an odd night out without their partners dictating their money, how many drinks they’ve had or what time they have to be home by.

I disagree. Not if you're married to someone who is at home worrying about you, not knowing where the hell you are and when or if you'll manage to come stumbling home.

Also, not if you have kids who deserve two functioning parents who value them over the party lifestyle. It's horribly selfish to force the other parent to pick up all the slack just so you can make yourself sick drinking alone all night.

It sounds like OP is fine with her husband having drinks with friends, but he's taking it to an unreasonable extreme. It does seem like those defending her husband probably has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, themselves.