To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

I had/have a similar relationship with alcohol to your husband. It's not good!

In my situation I think its partly genetic, partly an environmental thing.

I stopped drinking altogether for years. Not deliberately but I just seemed to naturally give up when I gave up smoking. This helped me gain control.

I only drink very occasionally these days, but keep a really close eye on the amount I drink. I dont like the idea of being "drunk" at all.

@rosie1959 I find it strange you're minimising this as an alcoholic yourself?

Alcoholic isn't just a label for physical dependency or someone who drinks daily. There are levels and degrees of alcohol addition and dependency. Labeling those as 'problematic drinkers' doesn't particularly help imo.

Is it only me who thinks that maybe cocaine is involved with this?
I don't want to be flamed but for an irregular drinker to drink for that long? Coke keeps the drinking going for those hours IME

Haven’t read the whole thread but highly recommend this naked mind website and book. They have a free 30 day challenge where you get an email every day. There are loads of great podcasts and instagrams, although the ones I know are aimed at women. The unexpected joy of being sober is another great book.

[quote theemmadilemma]@rosie1959 I find it strange you're minimising this as an alcoholic yourself?

Alcoholic isn't just a label for physical dependency or someone who drinks daily. There are levels and degrees of alcohol addition and dependency. Labeling those as 'problematic drinkers' doesn't particularly help imo.[/quote]
It's important because alcohol withdrawal can kill you if you are physically addicted. Pretty much the only substance this is true about. So yes, defining addiction properly is important.

@WithIcePlease yeah I'm thinking that too , which makes it worse . He knows how I feel
About that so wouldn't admit it

Alcoholism is a mental illness affect the sufferer mentally physically and spiritually it runs much deeper than just binge drinking once a month.

There's a clear physiological basis for the addiction and addictive behavior.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

He’s no more an alcoholic than everyone else out on the weekend in clubs etc till the early hours. Get a grip,

I disagree.

If he CAN'T stop, once he starts drinking, then he is an alcoholic. Binge drinking is often missed because people think like you - that if someone doesn't drink every day then they aren't alcohol dependent. But not being able to control the amount you drink, to the extent that you don't know who you are with or where you are, indicates an alcohol problem.

Alcoholics can't do "controlled drinking" - it's all or nothing.

@BiznessKat

Haven’t read the whole thread but highly recommend this naked mind website and book. They have a free 30 day challenge where you get an email every day. There are loads of great podcasts and instagrams, although the ones I know are aimed at women. The unexpected joy of being sober is another great book.

I’d also add Bryony Gordon’s new book Rock Bottom. She talks a lot about how she didn’t drink every day, didn’t drink in front of her kid, didn’t drink in the morning - but how she thought about drinking constantly, sought out people she could drink excessively with, and how the hangovers and recovery affected family life.

@bellini891, for yourself, you need to remember the three Cs of dealing with someone who is an alcoholic, or has a problem with alcohol, or is a problem drinker -

You didn't cause the problem.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

I recommend you buy for yourself and read 'Co-Dependent no More' by Melody Beattie.
www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Melody-Beattie/dp/0894866338?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
If it's out of stock you might try Waterstones or another bookseller.

Also www.amazon.co.uk/Language-Letting-Meditations-Codependency-Codependents/dp/0894866370/ref=pd_lpo_14_t_2/262-1495504-5501460?psc=1&pf_rd_p=7b8e3b03-1439-4489-abd4-4a138cf4eca6&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=RQlVE&pf_rd_r=TFET67K0J0KJ2PESW2Z6&pd_rd_i=0894866370&pd_rd_w=ZE7wG&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=TFET67K0J0KJ2PESW2Z6&pd_rd_r=ce9af59d-ef74-426d-b2bd-068656e7642d
'The Language of Letting Go', same author.

You and your H are involved in an unhealthy dance.

The terminology has changed now, so that someone is deemed to have an ‘alcohol misuse’ problem - and I think that’s partly to avoid this kind of argument about dependency vs. occasional benders and so on. No matter how infrequent, pulling an all night drinking session is physically harmful and socially problematic behaviour pointing to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. You don’t need to be physically addicted to have an alcohol problem. It’s concerning that the OP had such a dismissive response from AA and that some posters appear to be normalising this level of binge-drinking. Perhaps the problem is relationship-based, but alcohol is the way it’s being expressed and that’s a risky means to express your feelings.

[quote theemmadilemma]@rosie1959 I find it strange you're minimising this as an alcoholic yourself?

Alcoholic isn't just a label for physical dependency or someone who drinks daily. There are levels and degrees of alcohol addition and dependency. Labeling those as 'problematic drinkers' doesn't particularly help imo.[/quote]
I am not minimising but just pointing out that not everyone who drinks too much for their own good is an alcoholic
If you are then you will understand waking up probably half way through the night in a state of fear wondering what you did last night, trying to remember where you had hid some alcohol to quieten your mind not really wanting to die but not wanting to wake up again the next day
That is just a little bit of alcoholism

@MrsTerryPratchett Bit confused by your comment really? My statement is that minimising binge drinking as not an addicition isn't helpful in imo.

Addiction does not necessarily equal physical dependency.

Minimising actually addition would obviously also be stupid ergo.

I'm well aware of the risks, having needed a medical withdrawal myself due to my level of dependency.

@theemmadilemma

No - regularly drinking until 7am with people you don’t know isn’t normal. It isn’t. That’s not going out with friends and losing track of time. That’s seeking out people who enable you, who you can blame.

That. It sounds like his friends have long gone home and he's still out finding anywhere to continue his drinking mission. That's not having a good time, that's once I start drinking I can't stop until I am stopped. And that is a big fucking issue in some one's life.

I'd tend to agree. I knew a chap in student days who just could not stop He stayed with some friends overnight, and once they'd gone to bed, raided their drink cupboard- He left next morning having written a {bouncing} cheque for the booze he'd drunk.

The last I saw of him he was taking black market methadone ''as it wasn't alcohol''..Whatever demons he was running from, it was sad, lonely drink/drug use.. Wherever he is now, I hope he is alive and OK.

This is really dependent on how often he does it, every week and yes I would be pissed off, every few months then no.

My friends husband would have a good night out about twice a year, not 7am finsihes and she would go mad, which is ridiculous.

Is he taking drugs? That's when you can get Swept into the after party and dont want to stop.

AA isn't for him at the moment. I'm a recovering alcoholic sober for 6 years now. The way AA works is that your aim has to be total abstinence. They aren't interested in any other approach.

As he's interested in moderation, rather than abstinence, a better bet for your husband would be a local alcohol counselling service. I ended up needing AA, but I was a daily drinker and physically alcohol dependent. Initially though I went for counselling sessions at Glasgow Council on Alcohol (there will be something similar where you are). They work with people to reduce their drinking, give up or whatever their aim is.

But I think Bluntness is right actually. I suspect your husband has agreed that he has a problem because it takes away the responsibility for what he likes doing - which is going out with his mates binge drinking once a month. You don't like it and it's your relationship so that SHOULD matter to him. Perhaps if he goes for alcohol counselling he will understand more how it's affecting you and your relationship. Having someone independent to talk to can make you see things more clearly.

@rosie1959 I understand. And know too well. Drinking enough at 8am so I could find it in me to stand in the shower and cry because I just wanted it to stop. That's late stage alcoholism.

I think my issue is that the term alcoholic tends to give a picture, and not all alcoholics are that picture. An alcoholic is a person addicted to alcohol, and not every one addicted presents as a daily usage, physically dependent alcoholic.

But 'problematic drinker' to me seems under selling the issue binge and other types of drinking addictions can still have.

Anyway, that's my issue and I'll stop there.

I agree with @rosie1959. Unless he wants to go tee total I don’t know why you’d phone AA for help. Did you want them to say he can drink but only 5 pints and then home?
He is blaming his selfishness of staying out all night on alcohol so you won’t be so hard on him, I mean, it’s not his fault he didn’t come home it’s the alcohol. As you say, He’s not dependent on it, he’s not an alcoholic. He’s a classic binge drinker. Does it happen when he’s out with you? Or just when he’s with the lads. If it’s just when he’s with the lads then he’s choosing to stay out, otherwise it would happen when he’s with you too.

I can't believe that some PPs are categorically declaring that the OP's husband is not an alcoholic. How completely absurd. You can't make that determination long distance via internet. Is he an alcoholic? I don't know. No one on this thread knows that. But it is certainly possible. His behaviour sounds at the very least worrying, and he seems to have a problematic relationship with alcohol. It's good that he is concerned enough to seek help.

It's a shame that the person you spoke with was unhelpful, OP. I really hope you find some useful resources.

You'd think they'd be more helpful and laughing at you was plain rude and disrespectful.

I know exactly what sort of drinking you mean, OP, because I have been like that myself at times. Once I started, I just didn't want to stop and have got into some very dangerous states before. I did manage to get a grip and having my daughter put an end to that behavior for good for me. I still have the odd drink but I hate feeling out of control now.

If your husband feels he can't stop once he's started and his drinking affects his relationships and his ability to carry out responsibilities and commitments, that is a problem. It's more than a one off, like getting totally shit faced at the Christmas party. The loss of control is a problem.

@WithIcePlease

Is it only me who thinks that maybe cocaine is involved with this? I don't want to be flamed but for an irregular drinker to drink for that long? Coke keeps the drinking going for those hours IME

Coke and booze combine in the body to make a pretty unpleasant third substance Cocaethylene. Not that it will put off the person doing it at the time.

www.theguardian.com/society/2009/nov/08/cocaine-alcohol-mixture-health-risks

Hi OP just jumping on to say try We Are With You (used to be Addaction). They may have a place nearby for support but I thoroughly recommend their webchat service too xx

@user1481840227

My ex went to AA for a while and most of them there (including him) were problem drinkers..not alcoholics.

What’s the difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic?

Honestly were none of you young once? Did you not go out drinking and partying with your mates into the early hours ? Do your young adult kids not do that ? And stay out with their friends, clubbing into the wee small hours? Or do they and you roar they are alkies at them.

Yes but he isn’t 21 anymore. He has responsibilities to his wife and family to be a functioning adult over the weekend and not get hammered with randomers. No one is saying you can’t go out and have a night out with friends but he either can’t or won’t stop at that. I’d also say, my binge drinking days weren’t something to be proud of. I got myself into stupid situations and was lucky I was never robbed or raped. You’d hope by 40, most men aren’t acting like 18 year olds.

It’s hardly fair on the OP that every month she loses a day of weekend time with a functioning adult while she worries about him coming home.

I can't believe that some PPs are categorically declaring that the OP's husband is not an alcoholic. How completely absurd

And yet you aren’t commenting on those categorically declaring he is?

How completely absurd.