To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

Drinking for 17 hours straight is not normal, it's horrifying.

LEt's swap genders, and say this was a man complaining his 40 year old wife with children was doing this once a month. It's awful.

How much do you drink then, Bluntness?

I see both sides to this Op. As someone who has recently completed re-evaluated my relationship with alcohol too. I can see why the AA person laughed. If every person who didn't like their partner going OTT when on the lash with their mates called the AA they’d probably have half the U.K. on their books. Your partner seems to be a fairly infrequent drinker, but it’s obviously fairly problematic with the level he takes it too. He’s certainly not an alcoholic though, and many people would be fine with their spouse going wild once per month, so it’s a bit subjective. Personally i think he’d benefit from trying some self help to re-evaluate how he’s sees alcohol. I read Alan Carr’s the easy way to stop drinking and it’s changed the way I view it and I’d recommend it to anyone. I also agree that he might not think he has a problem, and is just saying it to get you off his back. If that’s the case you’re wasting your time (I say those as someone with several alcoholic family members) you can not control anyone else’s substance abuse.

@Bluntness100 do I want people to say yes he's an alki? No - I don't think he's an 'alcoholic' but I do think he has a problem with alcohol. And yes if he doesn't make a change and behave like a normal human being on a night out and come home at a reasonable time -instead of staying out chasing the party til the early hours -then yes I will leave . I have enough to deal with 2 small children / work / family -and can do without a husband that's going to go awol and disappear until the following morning -I didn't know where he was / how he was or if he's was floating in the sea -and as someone with anxiety I can't put up with it any longer -sitting in the kitchen watching the sun come up wondering where the F he is -it's up to me to take action if he won't

Hi OP I work for a drug and alcohol service. It’s worth your husband ringing your local service for advice. At our service an alcohol audit will be carried out which determines the treatment pathway, which may be online weekly support groups, 1-1 sessions with a key worker to look at psychosocial interventions such as triggers and cravings and making better choices etc. It may be that the intervention is brief lasting under 6 weeks but will equip the client with the tools they need to address the issue.

Wow, that helpline staffer was a dick and also apparently unaware of AA's own definition of an alcoholic, which is someone who feels they've lost control of their own drinking - regardless of how much they actually drink.

I'd skip AA though and get your DH to read The Easy Way to Control Alcohol by Allen Carr. Then follow it up with a similar book, such as This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. I read these 2 books after feeling I was drinking too much. I now have zero desire to drink alcohol. The effect was remarkable. After Carr's book I was still tempted although about 80% sure I didn't want booze - Grace's book tipped me over the edge into total sobriety.

If your DH is serious about quitting, these books IMO work better than AA because they remove the desire to drink so you don't have to rely on willpower.

Good luck OP, and sorry you had to deal with such an insensitive wanker.

Hi OP. Recovering alcoholic here.

I’m really sorry that you / your DH weren’t supported in your phonecall to AA. There’s no excuse to make someone feel stupid or that there is no help out there for them. That shouldn’t have happened.

As others have said, though, AA is for people who want to stop drinking. There are plenty of binge drinkers and ‘functional’ alcoholics (personally dislike that term, but what I guess we mean when we say that is people who are still holding down jobs, have a life that looks OK from the outside etc) in A.A., alongside the stereotypical daily drinkers and people who have lost everything through addiction.

It’s a broad church, but to be in it you do need ‘the desire to stop drinking’. Most people in A.A. wish they could control or moderate their drinking, but bitter experience has taught them that they cannot. So the only thing left is to quit. If your DH wants to quit, I’d advise going to an AA meeting (loads of them taking place on Zoom right now) and seeing what he thinks.

There are other alcohol support resources out there for those who want to try to moderate better, if he doesn’t want to quit. Whether they work or not may tell you whether or not your husband is an alcoholic....

I’ll be honest op, he’s sounds like the vast majority of all my family and friends, including myself. As an adult I expect to have the right to have the odd night out without being given a curfew or to get shit when I get home. I left my oh with the kids a couple weeks ago (I knew he was off work the next morning) for a few drinks at a mates house, ended up getting blackout drunk on wine until I passed out on her couch, and walked back home the next morning. My oh laughed at me when I came in and asked if I had a good night. He knew when it got passed a certain time that I’d be kipping there so wasn’t bothered. I used to sometimes get annoyed with him going on, but that’s because he goes drinking in pubs and clubs (instead of a friends house like me) and I’d never know when he was gonna roll in. We’ve solved that now by agreeing if he gets carried away then he finds somewhere else to sleep for the night rather than stumbling in and waking everyone up. I’d find you rather controlling in a relationship

Drinking for 17 hours straight is not normal, it's horrifying

Really. ? Well you’d be horrified by me and my Friends, we’ve pulled many an all nighter, in fact on sat some friends arrived at 3 pm and we all went to bed at 3am. Twelve fun hours Solid of drinking, talking, eating, singing and dancing. We had a great time.

None of us have been accused of having a problem yet or been told we are horrifying. We likely pull an all nighter a couple of times a year too.

Sorry but ringing AA for a man that drinks to much once a month is a bit laughable.

He does it because he enjoys it, being one of the 'lads' and letting loose occasionally. If he genuinely wanted to change he could because he is not an alcoholic. He is telling you what you want to hear and it gets you off his back not because he believes it.

Personally I think you should cut him some slack and learn to cope, once a month is not a big deal. But if it is a deal breaker then LTB.

@AlexanderHalexander

Don't listen to Bluntness, staying out until morning in your 40s isn't normal behaviour, unfortunately alcohol culture is problematic in the UK and very harmful drinking is seen as normal, drinking a bottle of wine a night etc.

How much does he drink (that you know of)? How many days where he doesn't drink? People don't just start by drinking a bottle of vodka a day, serious life threatening alcoholism is usually the end stage in a journey of problematic drinking. Drinking that affects other areas of your life, eg work, relationship, health, is problematic

Agree with this. British culture has lost sight of what constitutes “healthy” drinking (not that there really is such a thing). I would say anyone who can’t stop after a few drinks and take themselves home/feels compelled to continue drinking through the entire night has a problem, no matter how infrequently that might happen. Most of us have done it at some point - me included - but I would class being unable to regulate your own alcohol intake as problem drinking. You can still go out, drink and have fun without boozing for 12 straight hours.

There you go OP, Bluntness is attacking you so they don't have to deal with their own issues with alcohol - ignore them

@Bluntness100 no kids to get up with in the morning then ? No responsibilities ? Then do what you like 👍

[quote bellini891]@Bluntness100 do I want people to say yes he's an alki? No - I don't think he's an 'alcoholic' but I do think he has a problem with alcohol. And yes if he doesn't make a change and behave like a normal human being on a night out and come home at a reasonable time -instead of staying out chasing the party til the early hours -then yes I will leave . I have enough to deal with 2 small children / work / family -and can do without a husband that's going to go awol and disappear until the following morning -I didn't know where he was / how he was or if he's was floating in the sea -and as someone with anxiety I can't put up with it any longer -sitting in the kitchen watching the sun come up wondering where the F he is -it's up to me to take action if he won't [/quote]
I totally get why you don’t like it. I’d be fuming. We always know where the other is. I simply disagree he’s blameless and that he has a problem . I think he’s having fun and doesn’t want to stop, and you’re giving him a convenient excuse.

He doesn't have a problem?

Read what the OP says. He isn't going out for a night with his friends once a month and getting a bit drunk. No one thinks that is an alcoholic. He goes out with his friends and drinks. Then his friends go home like normal people. Then he drinks anywhere and with anyone who will drink with him - complete strangers. Then he comes home the next day and spends at least a day in bed recovering. Do you really think that is a definition of a normal night out on the piss with your friends? It would be worrying at any age but for a man in his 40s with children it is something he should worry about.

Labelling someone an alcholic or not is not helpful imo. but his drinking isn't normal. If he is prepared to lose his wife so he can go on a 24 hour binge once a month - that isn't normal either.

He’s not pulling an all nighter with his friends though is he? OP said they go home but he stays out on his own drinking wherever will serve him. That’s pretty bleak and concerning.

@AlexanderHalexander

There you go OP, Bluntness is attacking you so they don't have to deal with their own issues with alcohol - ignore them

I’d laugh but I’m not attacking her. You can call me an alcoholic all you want because i stayed up drinking with friends into the wee small hours. Honestly it reflects more on you than me,

To those saying they can u sweat and why I got laughed at .
This isn't just some argument with my husband about his drinking , I'm not the nagging wife indoors . I'm concerned and have come to the end of my tolerance for him pulling 'all nighters' getting so drunk he can't remember where he's been and staying in bed all weekend ☹️ his eyes glaze over and it's like a different person . Thanks to those who have offered advise - will pass it all on to him-or maybe just give him my phone to read this thread

Agree with majority of posters that AA is not the appropriate place for you to seek help, all though of course they shouldn’t have been rude to you.

What does you OH actually think about the topic—you say he binge drinks once per month, is this with friends who also do this? It’s clealry not a desirable thing (for you at least) but has there been anything to suggest he genuinely loses control, rather than just enjoys going on the lash? It really sounds like he has told you he will “get help” in order to get you off his back, but has little intention of actually stopping the binges...

Maybe you should be looking to agree parameters instead, like if you go out with your friends be home by the early hours and limit drinks to x amount (e.g. pay cash, have a budget)? Totally different situation to dealing with dépendance drinking from an alcoholic.

*to those saying they understand why I got laughed at

It really doesn’t matter whether any of us think this drinking is healthy or normal. We could argue over it all night, depending on our own experiences.

It only matters that HE thinks he has a problem with alcohol.

@Bluntness100

I suspect he’s just agreeing with you op that he has a problem, He goes out once a month on the lash with his mates and gets drunk. I think I understand why AA laughed.

It’s not great behaviour granted but it’s not alcoholism.

Personally I don’t think he does have a problem. I think he’s going out and having a great time and doesn’t want to stop and come home.

This is exactly the problem with advice around addiction, people who know fuck all about it are trying to excuse it.

Binging with people you don’t know and staying out until 7am is not normal drinking behaviour. That’s not letting off steam, it’s finding people who support your addiction who you can blame.

You can call me an alcoholic all you want because i stayed up drinking with friends into the wee small hours.

That is not what the OP's husband is doing.

I agree with Bluntness to be honest. This is a very normal way of drinking/going out in my friendship groups and always has been. It seems to be a thing for 30-40year olds. I've toned it down somewhat as I've got older but my husband still does it occasionally (nowhere near once a month like yours). It's annoying but I make sure he keeps in touch with me regularly. It is a bit odd your husband will stay out with strangers I agree. And I do think it was appalling that AA laughed at you.

I've got to sort the kids out and get ready for bed - one of my children has additional needs . I'm tired , upset and stressed out with out all of this

I’m sorry you got that response from AA. I didn’t get on well with them for various reasons but there were plenty of people in the meetings that I went to that were binge drinkers rather than daily drinkers. There’s a whole spectrum of problematic drinking and you don’t have to have reached one end of that spectrum in order to get help.

I second the suggestion of the free This Naked Mind course. It’s only 30 days long and I honestly felt so different after completing that each day. I also liked the book as well as the books by Allen Carr, Clare Pooley and Catherine Gray. If he likes reading then he might enjoy them too. I also found Club Soda to be a really good source of support. They have groups for people wanting to moderate and for those who want to be teetotal.