Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

296 replies

bellini891 · 02/09/2020 18:05

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
bellini891 · 02/09/2020 18:50

It's not my husband who doesn't think he has a problem -he's finally admitting it , but now Alcoholics Anonymous have told us he's not an alcoholic so looking for advise on where else to turn . He goes out say once a month and is early 40's
I've had a look for our local drug and alcohol support-they are open 9-5 so he will try and ring them tomorrow on his lunch.
I know he's irresponsible and should know better , I know he should have self control but he doesn't and I think needs some help-and luckily he now agrees

OP posts:
user1471565182 · 02/09/2020 18:50

AA is just ridiculous and outdated. Go with one of the many other groups who have moved out of the 60s. Its really not you- its them. Certainly not the first time I've heard of this happening with them.

AlexanderHalexander · 02/09/2020 18:51

he wants to be able to go and have a drink with friends and not go overboard and drink to excess -I don't know why he can't control himself ! He has a problem

Well, I suggest that the problem is that he's an alcoholic.

AA helps people who are willing to admit they are an alcoholic, and who are willing to stop drinking. The fact that you are sorting all this out is a massive red flag that your OH isn't willing to accept this, and s just gong along with it to please you.

Look up Al-anon. There's a saying in al-anon - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. This has to come from your OH. Maybe start by calling it what it is, alcoholism

Original poster
bellini891 · 02/09/2020 18:52

@Bluntness100 they do and they don't , they go home when they've had enough , he stays out for as long as people will serve him

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 18:53

I suspect he’s just agreeing with you op that he has a problem, He goes out once a month on the lash with his mates and gets drunk. I think I understand why AA laughed.

It’s not great behaviour granted but it’s not alcoholism.

Personally I don’t think he does have a problem. I think he’s going out and having a great time and doesn’t want to stop and come home.

NailsNeedDoing · 02/09/2020 18:54

Sorry if this sounds horrible and I know I could be wrong, but it sounds like he’s ‘admitting’ to you that there’s a problem because you don’t like him getting drunk, so it’s an easy way to get you to forgive him.

Unless he’s going out and doing this every weekend, or getting so drunk he can’t keep himself safe and ends up in dangerous situations, then he could just be one of many people that enjoy a night out and a drink! Maybe he has a problem, but maybe the only real problem is your dislike of it.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 18:54

How long have you been at him to agree he’s got a problem and needs help op? Doesn’t seem he reached this conclusion on his own and was bullied into agreeing it.

Original poster
bellini891 · 02/09/2020 18:55

Maybe he is , I've told him I've had enough and don't want to be with someone that leaves me worried and anxious like he does - coming downstairs at 6am and he's not home is not ok with me so it's up to him now to address it in some way

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 02/09/2020 18:56

If he needs help to stop binge-drinking, how can he think that he doesn't have a drink dependency problem?

This

If his drinking is causing him and his loved ones problems, the easiest and most obvious solution is to stop drinking. If he can't do that, then he has a form of addiction.

nokidshere · 02/09/2020 18:56

, I know he should have self control but he doesn't and I think needs some help-and luckily he now agrees

But he does or he wouldn't be able to go a month between drinks.

I understand why you think he needs help but I also understand why aa weren't so helpful.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 18:56

he wants to be able to go and have a drink with friends and not go overboard and drink to excess -I don't know why he can't control himself ! He has a problem

I think his problem is you don’t like it. So he’s just agreeing with you he can’t help it to keep you quiet and make it not his fault.

starlet14 · 02/09/2020 18:57

That's shocking. I've had no experience with Alcoholics Anonymous directly myself but I did grow up around alcoholism and drink issues.

I've always been under the impression that you don't have to drink all day, every day to be an alcoholic. People are quick to assume someone who has a drink problem drinks all day long. This is not the case.

Binge drinking is a serious problem. I know of a fair few people who work etc but drink as soon as they get home, drink all weekend (I'm not just talking about a glass of wine here, I'm talking not knowing when to stop).

In some ways binge drinking like this is harder to spot therefore it's not obvious there's a problem.

I think the term is functional alcoholic.

Maybe a doctor will help but of course that depends if your husbands wants to see one.

I I had no advice but you have my sympathy. 🌸

user1471565182 · 02/09/2020 18:57

Try Drinkiline-0300 123 1110. This is aimed at any kind of problem drinking or for those connected to problem drinkers.

I've also heard Mind (the charity) are could to contact with this sort of thing, especially if its connected to mental health issues but maybe check their website first.

WHat has your husband said about getting into contact with one of these organisations? was it his idea or yours?

Is harm reduction and gently cutting down the drinking a realistic option or does it need to stop altogether?

Original poster
bellini891 · 02/09/2020 18:57

@Bluntness100 oh so maybe I've bullied him into it? Ok - maybe the thought of living on his own and not with me and the kids has made him reevaluate the choices he makes .
Sort of wish I'd never posted on here now

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 18:58

@bellini891

Maybe he is , I've told him I've had enough and don't want to be with someone that leaves me worried and anxious like he does - coming downstairs at 6am and he's not home is not ok with me so it's up to him now to address it in some way
Then leave. He wants to go out on the piss with his mates once a month. It isn’t going to change. He is playing lip service. His only problem is you don’t like it. He doesn’t have a booze problem, it’s just an easy out to agree he does and shut you up.

Don’t make empty threats. If you’ve had enough walk.

MissConductUS · 02/09/2020 18:59

I'm a recovering alcoholic and a healthcare professional. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse over time. One characteristic is the lack of an internal "off switch" that tells us when we've had enough and need to stop. It sounds like this is part of your husband's problem with binge drinking.

Most people find it easier to stop completely than to become a controlled drinker. If he could stop after two or three drinks he would.

Start by looking at it as a medical issue and have him consult his doctor about it. His doctor can then refer him to whatever local resources are available.

Good luck and I'm sorry you had a poor response from AA, but it is really focused on people who want to stop drinking rather than cut back.

Prelockdownbaby · 02/09/2020 18:59

It does sound as if he has a problem that he needs help addressing, but bear in mind AA is based on the premise that you abstain from drinking entirely as far as I know, there isn't room for light drinking within their ideology

I don't know much about it beyond that but hope that he gets help

AlexanderHalexander · 02/09/2020 19:00

Don't listen to Bluntness, staying out until morning in your 40s isn't normal behaviour, unfortunately alcohol culture is problematic in the UK and very harmful drinking is seen as normal, drinking a bottle of wine a night etc.

How much does he drink (that you know of)? How many days where he doesn't drink? People don't just start by drinking a bottle of vodka a day, serious life threatening alcoholism is usually the end stage in a journey of problematic drinking. Drinking that affects other areas of your life, eg work, relationship, health, is problematic

Original poster
bellini891 · 02/09/2020 19:01

@MissConductUS thanks for your reply and yes doctors a good idea.

I obviously realise now after my experience with them and my husband calling them that alcoholic anonymous are not a suitable place for him to get support

OP posts:
AlexanderHalexander · 02/09/2020 19:02

He doesn’t have a booze problem

Bluntness what on earth are you on about, the drinking behaviour described is abnormal.

The poor Op is probably in the early stages of acceptance that something isn't right with her OH's relationship with alcohol, and you are trying to convince her she's a shit wife? Go have a look at yourself in the mirror

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 19:02

[quote bellini891]@Bluntness100 oh so maybe I've bullied him into it? Ok - maybe the thought of living on his own and not with me and the kids has made him reevaluate the choices he makes .
Sort of wish I'd never posted on here now[/quote]
Why, did you want people to agree he was an alkie? Anything more than a sniff of sherry at Xmas and some folks on here scream alkie. Aa was right, he’s not an alcoholic. He doesn’t have a problem.

I don’t think you’re going to leave are you? You just are trying to black mail him into not going on the piss once a month. Be honest. You might not like the answers but this doesn’t make them wrong. And he’s giving lip service pretending he thinks you’ll go and he has a problem.

When his only problem is he wants to go out and let loose and get pissed with his mates once a month and mAke the most of it, and you don’t like it.

You need to be honest with each other and stop playing games. You’re not leaving and he knows he’s not got a problem,

Original poster
bellini891 · 02/09/2020 19:03

@AlexanderHalexander he was out from 2pm til 7am -I have no idea how much he drank but yes it's affecting us and I think he has a problem

OP posts:
Lugubelenus · 02/09/2020 19:03

Buy a copy of This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and read it together.

Suggest he tries the 7 day challenge - one week without alcohol, then the 2 week challenge and so on.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2020 19:03

I didn’t say she was a shit wife, ffs what a reach, I wouldn’t like it either. I said she didn’t like it and he didn’t have a problem, both of which are true. And plenty of folks go out and get pissed once a month for goodness sake.

user1471565182 · 02/09/2020 19:05

*are good

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.