Moved home and hate it - want to move back!

[Jogalog]

3 months ago I moved home with my husband and 2 children. I pushed for the move - wanted a bigger house in a ‘nicer’ village. Husband went along with it to keep me happy but really wanted to stay where we were. Move was delayed due to lockdown and I found it very stressful wondering if the chai would collapse - but I was so relieved that it didn’t! And so we moved....first day in the house I thought we’d made a massive mistake. Removal men were still unpacking and I went to the bottom of the garden and cried my eyes out. And I’ve done that every day since. Realise I really really miss my old house, village and neighbours- and I guess the feeling of security and familiarisation. And the max thing is we’ve only moved 3 miles! Spoken to loads of people and they say give it time - but I just want to move back NOW! Even if I lose some money on the house. The thought of staying here for even a year fills me with absolute dread and sadness. Anyone else gone through this and either stuck it out or moved back?

Jesus Christ. It’s three miles. Did you view the house with your eyes closed? You pushed for this, you need to make the best of it. Decorate, put some wire netting under any gates and fences to keep the cats safe, look at lighting options for your bedroom or decorate it so the ‘tomb’ becomes a cosy retreat, stop being so negative about the house and for Christ’s sake, don’t throw money away offering to buy back your old house and stop stalking your old neighbours. You’re feeling unsettled, it’s a weird time, but that’s probably it.

And you’re right the posters who think I’m selfish. I am. But also feel completely overwhelmed and want to rectify things so I can start being a good wife and mother again

But can't you see that uprooting your family isn't the way to do that?

When we moved to our new house we discovered plumbing problems, rat problems, wiring problem, the windows were so drafty I thought they were blowing the curtains. Next door was a drunk who crashed about a night and was aggressive when asked to keep it down. My parents had agreed to lend me money for the purchase suddenly decided they needed it back straight away and I had to borrow money from a payday lender as my credit score was shot. My partner then became abusive and has now left. I do feel like the house is cursed but have never let the kids know. I try to point out how lucky we are and focus on the good things about it; the views and space. I’d try and enjoy one thing every day about your house.

@Jogalog

Yep - had a survey. But they don’t move furniture or take down pictures, or try the shower or test the etc etc

We’re in the final stages of buying a house.

You’re right, the surveyor won’t move furniture or test the shower. But he/she will test different areas of the house with a damp meter and will highlight any areas with high damp readings. The seller will also complete their property information form detailing things like service records for the GCH and boiler. If there were none, you should have got someone in to do an inspection and offered less if there was major work to be done that wasn’t highlighted in the estate agent’s listing.

It sounds like you rushed into this and were then surprised when you found things you hadn’t taken the time to investigate.

Reality is it is quite overlooked by house next door, parking is rubbish and I’ve already crashed the car parking, kitchen is bad condition, main bedroom (the tomb) is dark and depressing, road is busier than we expected so terrified for the cats, and it just doesn’t feel like home.

Did you not notice any of these things when viewing the house?

I'm another who hated my house when I first moved in but absolutely love it now, these things take time.

You do remind me of my DH which is why I posted and have since dwelt on your situation. DH was rooted in his bachelor house when we met. We outgrew it, it became overwhelmingly not right for us. In the end, we moved a very long way away, totally new place and people. We both loved the new place. No homesickness, just the new project and us against the world. Since moving from there however, last year, he has experienced all the pain you have described. This happened within days of moving and he bitterly regrets the move - even though it was the right thing, on paper, to do. What I'm trying to say, is it doesn't always have to make sense. For whatever reason, you were very attached to the old house. Figure out why and analyse really why you had to move. Maybe it was objectively the wrong move, but nothing can change in the short term. Use this time to dig deeper and understand yourself better.

I think you're being very unreasonable in writing to the new owners of your old house and making it known to your old neighbours that you're so miserable, and trying to guilt them into giving up THEIR house because you feel you've made a mistake. I'm in the new owners' shoes: I have just moved into a new house and the old owner is devastated that she moved out. She's made it very clear that she regrets it, she's desperately trying to move back (she moved a ten minute walk away ffs), all the neighbours feel really sorry for her and are trying to help 'our Lisa' (not her real name) come back to where she belongs, her daughter gives me dirty looks and makes comments to whomever she's with about how unhappy her mum is whenever she's in earshot, the local shop owner is on the lookout for 'that new woman' and is convinced she hasn't met me yet so I must be avoiding her shop (I've popped in several times), the neighbours here gave us the cold shoulder for the first few months and several have told me how Lisa had spent SO much money on the house over the (20) years she had lived here and that the house is 'beautiful' (it bloody isn't, everything needs updating/decorating and I'm a single parent with no chance of being able to do it all any time soon. The back garden is like a building site that is going to cost a hell of a lot to clear, kids can't use it). She's currently looking at a house at the other end of my row, literally 3 doors away. Needless to say it's made me feel very uncomfortable and like an unwanted alien here.

But I also get how you feel, to an extent. This house isn't as nice as my old one, and we have slightly less space. I moved just before lockdown which has been challenging enough without moving area on my own with my kids. But I had lots of reasons to move and I have to keep reminding myself of them. This house is like starting from scratch all over again but I'm looking at it as a five year project. I love the new area (I'm ignoring the silliness around 'our Lisa') and focusing on why it's a cracking place to bring up children and how they already love it here. I do get pangs of wishing I had my old house back but I have to remind myself why I moved. There's no way on earth I'd be miserable and mopey I'm front of my kids who have had to move area and school, and I certainly wouldn't put them on edge by constantly hinting that another move is on the cards.

I think you need to give your house time, and let your partner and children settle.

@Toriathebadger ah you poor thing. It’s almost like they believe you have somehow forced her to sell her home to you. People are odd.

OP, your problem isn’t your house, it’s your head.

Your language is melodramatic, impulsive and self-obsessed. Crying all the time in front of your kids is plain irresponsible parenting. I’ve had plenty of mental health issues in my life but whatever happens, you pull your shit together in front of the children even if you’re screaming inside. Your distress is not their cross to bear.

I’m being blunt because you don’t seem to be sufficiently taking on what others say.

Every house has snagging issues. No move is “perfect” so you sold yourself a delusion. Accept that like the adult you are and resolve to find a way out.

I found CBT incredibly useful. A large part of it isn’t “why do I feel like this?” but rather “here’s where I’m at, what concrete steps can I take to make it better?”

You cannot go back. Stop thinking you can. You can only move forward, so how can you make Forward good for you and your family?

See if you can access counselling or CBT, put on your game face in front of your children and all the very best of luck. In time this will be a loved home.

(Sorry if it’s harsh, I do honestly wish you well)

I wonder if the ‘positive’ moves you refer to, took place at a time in your life when you were generally more happy with yourself? Maybe confident in your career, positive about beginning a marriage/creating a family?

Perhaps at this time your outlook is less positive - maybe you have given up your career to raise children who may now be at an age where they don’t need you as much - and you had invested so much of yourself in the old house that it came to represent a huge part of who you were. And now its lost...and so are you.

If this rings true, then your task is to re-evaluate who you are and try to rebuild your self-worth. Good luck.

OP do you work? Is it a case of your obsessing about the house not being perfect because you’re spending BBC a lot of time there?

I idea where ‘BBC’ came from.

HRTHT.
Reading the OP I was thinking that it sounded just like us....until I got to the bit where you have only moved 3miles! WTF. I’m guessing that it’s just the old house you’re missing??? Because we moved house, jobs, schools, every one of which has been disastrous. But you can’t be missing friends or family or trying to settle kids into a new school or get to grips with a new job....because you’ve moved walking distance from where you were before. If however you are the previous owners of Our current house (who also moved a very short distance), please do write and ask for your house back as we absolutely hate it......and your diy is shockingly shit.

@Jogalog
I can really empathise with you. We moved from a tiny terraced house with no parking and a north facing small garden.
To my childhood village ( I loved growing up there) driveway and massive garden. I cried the day we moved and I hated living there, I was so lonely and sad. My DH felt we'd made a mistake, too.
Stuck it for 6 years and I still hated it.
Moved back to within a mile of our old terraced place twenty odd years ago and I felt immediately at home. I love our home and surrounding area.
I never want to move again.
Listen to your feelings.

Thanks for your kind message. Putting a plan in action and putting house on the market! Will probably lose money after selling (hopefully!) so soon after buying, and because the house is unloved so not presented well, but Dh thinks it’s the best thing to do for my mental health. Fell so relieved!

Wow, so you’ve manipulated your family into doing what you want. Again.
I think you’d be better off seeking treatment as your reaction does not seem normal rather than move and be in this situation again very soon.

My family want to move as well. No one has settled

If you’re all that unhappy, probably best to cut your losses and sell.

This has happened to two families I know.

I think coronavirus was a huge shock. And I think a big change during a period like lockdown has caused a huge wave of mental health problems for lots of people.

Do what you have to do. And good luck

2020 is going to be the year we never want to talk about

2020 is going to be the year we never want to talk about

You're not wrong 😞

@Jogalog

My family want to move as well. No one has settled

But is that because you're unsettling them?

If you've been that miserable and sharing, they're not going to be ok are they?

I think you're husband is a saint to agree to shell out all that money all over again after 5 minutes.

Wow - this is a bizarre tale.

What a wild ride

@DopamineHits I think you are a bit in a spin and that's okay. After 20 years it's a huge upheaval especially during a pandemic and perhaps you aren't someone who likes change. I'm the same so understand it, though when I was 1/2 my age I welcomed it!

This is something where in haste you could make another decision you regret. Take time. Write 1-3 things down each day you like about the house or new area. Go for walks. Paint rooms. Do something little each day to let you feel you are making home. Could be fresh flowers, a new throw for lounge etc. It will get better. Then when it is better you can make a proper decision.

I do know one person who did this, though the move was across the country, moved with dh and children. Lasted under 8 weeks and were back within 12 weeks. I always wondered if they'd of given it a year if it would have made a difference. After a few years they said the same thing.