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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Moved home and hate it - want to move back!

220 replies

Jogalog · 02/09/2020 14:28

3 months ago I moved home with my husband and 2 children. I pushed for the move - wanted a bigger house in a ‘nicer’ village. Husband went along with it to keep me happy but really wanted to stay where we were. Move was delayed due to lockdown and I found it very stressful wondering if the chai would collapse - but I was so relieved that it didn’t! And so we moved....first day in the house I thought we’d made a massive mistake. Removal men were still unpacking and I went to the bottom of the garden and cried my eyes out. And I’ve done that every day since. Realise I really really miss my old house, village and neighbours- and I guess the feeling of security and familiarisation. And the max thing is we’ve only moved 3 miles! Spoken to loads of people and they say give it time - but I just want to move back NOW! Even if I lose some money on the house. The thought of staying here for even a year fills me with absolute dread and sadness. Anyone else gone through this and either stuck it out or moved back?

OP posts:
muckandnettles · 02/09/2020 18:36

We moved about 150 miles away and dh had your sort of reaction OP, very emotional and so certain it wouldn't work - we sold up and moved back. From one move to the other it took 10 months. Ten utterly exhausting and stressful months, but I think it was the right decision.

vanillandhoney · 02/09/2020 18:39

Honestly, I think you sound a little selfish.

mellicauli · 02/09/2020 18:48

I felt like that when I moved into our new house. I think it's a stress reaction.

Stop focusing on the future but try thinking what little thing you could do right now that would make you feel good. Watch a bit of crap TV. Have a cup of tea with a chocolate biscuit. Paint your toenails..

rvby · 02/09/2020 18:48

Look, you're a habitual change-avoider who has, her entire life, absconded from any challenges to the way things were. You say this yourself e.g. uni.

Obviously you are going to be sick to your stomach with culture shock and homesickness - not sure what you were expecting!

You have what's called "adjustment disorder". www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/adjustment-disorder

It sounds like you're prone to it, which is why you avoid or run away from normal life changes e.g. university. A change occurs, you start having normal emotions, you panic about that for whatever reason (most folk just carry on btw!), and then drama queen your way out of having to adjust to the change.

Basically, you will either run away from this change, or you'll learn some resilience.

Remember your kids are watching you right now, learning how they're meant to cope with normal life changes. Choose wisely.

My mum is like you tbh. She has meticulously fucked up and absconded from every single life change she's ever had, including positive life changes. She is the queen of sobbing over things for 1000 years while her kids have to get on with it. As adults, my sister and I just try to avoid her because she is a massive drama queen who can't seem to work out that the world doesn't revolve around her. Even taking her on holiday or for a treat is trial - if it's not exactly the way she expected, or exactly the way it was before, she goes into a sulk or an anxiety attack. Exhausting.

Just something to think about!

WhateverThePace · 02/09/2020 19:42

I get it. We moved over a year ago and I still miss our old home. I cried for months. And like you it was an upgrade, bigger house, better area.

I still don’t feel it’s home. I often think about our old cosy home and lovely neighbours. Sometimes I still hate the ‘new’ house. But it’s not the first time we’ve moved. It usually takes me 2-3 years to feel settled in a new house.

I recommend having a chat with your GP, sometimes meds or therapy can help you get through times like this.

willowmelangell · 02/09/2020 20:06

Isn't a house move one of the top 4 most stressful things you go through in life?
The reasons you left are still valid. The house problems you describe are all fixable.
Can you break it down to bite size chunks?
Would it help to picture your first Christmas in your new home? Putting the fairy on top of the tree, taking pictures of happy kids and toasting dh with Champagne? Looking around a lovely new room and saying to your self, 'Yes, this is going to get better and better."

garlictwist · 02/09/2020 20:14

Do you struggle with change? Because I do, and a lot of what you're saying and how you've behaved reminds me of me. I take ages to settle anywhere, I hate going on holiday because I feel really out of sorts in new places and yes, I was a student who hated it and moved home. I did a year abroad as part of my degree later on (NOT optional or I'd never have gone) and I spent the first two weeks crying and refusing to leave my room.

Over the years I've learned just to take a step back and wait for the dust to settle. Because it does. Eventually. Other places may be nicer in some ways, but you have to make your nest somewhere and to the best you can with it.

Jogalog · 02/09/2020 20:27

Thanks for sending the link. You’re right - it does sound like I have adjustment disorder. The psychologist in me may trace it back to when I was 11 and me moved house and schools and it took me ages to make new friends and settle. So when I left for uni all the bad feelings came flooding back - twice actually as I have it 2 goes! But then I left home for London and stuck it out for the bare minimum of a year - the feelings of homesickness didn’t get better - the days until I could leave just got less. So maybe if I stay here I will always be homesick - and I realise I can’t have the old house back, but still feel I could have the familiarisation of the old village and neighbours there. The weird thing is, I’ve moved 3 times in my life with no homesickness whatsoever. Once when we moved in together close to home, but then when we moved 150 miles away to a new area and jobs. Why no homesickness then I wonder????? Sounds like a psychology thesis in the making.

And you’re right the posters who think I’m selfish. I am. But also feel completely overwhelmed and want to rectify things so I can start being a good wife and mother again

OP posts:
museumum · 02/09/2020 20:37

New houses are full of these type of issues. They’re never “perfect”. Even off-plan new builds have snagging lists.
My advice is to stop wasting energy trying to go back and sort out a list of priorities going forward. What’s most important? and what’s easiest to do? Pick one important issue and one “quick win” and get started.

rvby · 02/09/2020 20:41

Homesickness is overcome through learning coping skills and being resourceful, not necessarily by going back home. I speak as an immigrant, btw. I've moved continents twice in my life. My mother has tried twice, and gone back home twice, leaving absolute devastation in her wake - and is now lonely, poor, and reliant on the kindness of family members for basic survival.

When you moved with your dh/dp, you may have relied on him to cope on your behalf, more than you remember, and that might have made it easier on you. Now that you're moving with your kids, I expect you're projecting your childhood feelings onto them and it's all come rushing back. You are probably reexperiencing trauma that you went through when you were 11, and struggling to cope with it along with the normal feelings that come with a house move.

You can learn to cope, really you can. Again, I'm speaking as someone who has moved 1000s of kms, to places that I had literally never been to before, sight unseen, with nothing but a suitcase. I've also divorced and had to move out with my little DC. I cry my eyes out every time I move house, it's awful, sickening - but one just gets on with it, it's part of life.

Your kids need to learn from you here OP, don't put them through their own trauma and then show them a poor example of how to deal with it. Talk to your counsellor about doing an inventory of your coping skills, and start figuring out what you can work on.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/09/2020 22:44

I am not sure if I am more amazed at this post or all the supportive messages.
The Op sounds like an absolute horror show.
She is controlling and manipulative. She only sees events in how they effect her.
You moved house, despite no one else in the family wanting to do so. Now you find you dont like it you want to move back- what about anyone else's opinion or is that as irrelevant as you paint it.
You think they will be better off not seeing you crying.. Ahh you think?? The question is why you think it is ok to do that, It seems just way to get people to do what you want. How sad to try and make them feel guilty so you can disrupt everyone's lives again.
Sorry, if a woman was writing about her DH acting in such a way there would be screaming of LTB. Your behaviour is abusive and I hope your family get the courage to boot you out.

imissthesouth · 02/09/2020 23:19

I moved a few years ago up north. I HATE it here, I long every day to go back, but my DH and children are happy here, which makes me feel guilty to even suggest moving back. I miss the theatres, my friends, the beautiful walks I used to go on, but i can't return without uprooting my kids lives😕

Pobblebonk · 02/09/2020 23:26

And although I thought the bathroom was a bit dated it was only when we used it that realised the shower doesn’t work. Similarly with the kitchen - looked ok at the viewing but then find that dishwasher leaks and has damaged units and floor, and similar stuff throughout really.

All of that is very easy to fix, and it would be cheaper to fix it than to move again. And when it is fixed you'll have all the advantages of the bigger house, better location etc and facilities, units, floors etc done completely to your taste.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2020 23:36

And you’re right the posters who think I’m selfish. I am. But also feel completely overwhelmed and want to rectify things so I can start being a good wife and mother again

Well, uprooting your family again isn't the way to do it.

If your DH is even considering this then he has the patience of a saint.

Inkpaperstars · 03/09/2020 01:50

It always takes time to adapt a house to your needs, if you put in the work you will reap the rewards. And remember, you still live practically on the doorstep of the place and people you are familiar with, you haven't left them.

I was looking through some old photo albums recently and I was struck by how much the house I grew up changed over time, I am so used to the garden being made private by tall trees that I forgot it used to be totally overlooked. Extension work and redecoration, new fittings...all over time come and go and meanwhile memories are being made there. Give this place a chance OP. You might find 20 years from now you can't imagine moving from it.

Anordinarymum · 03/09/2020 02:02

I moved from a house I had lived in for thirty years. I had my children there and raised them. Lots of happy memories.

I moved to a better house in a better area. It is not as nice as my old house but the move was necessary.

I longed for my old house and still can picture every room in it. I could not even drive past it for ages afterwards as it hurt so much.

It's a house. My new one (ten years) is my present home and when I leave it it will only be a house.

OP you will get over it

5amonSunday · 03/09/2020 06:44

Sounds like a psychology thesis in the making.

Even in jest this comment is a bit Hmm. I suggest you seek out a bit of perspective. Buyers regret is real and difficult, but on the scale of problems to have you're doing pretty bloody well.

And you’re right the posters who think I’m selfish. I am. But also feel completely overwhelmed and want to rectify things so I can start being a good wife and mother again

You need to find a way to cope with and resolve your feelings that isn't moving. Moving a 2nd time when your family do not want to would make you a pretty bad wife and mother.

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2020 07:15

Focus on how to fix the things you don't like. Make a list for every room and work through it

See your doctor because you need to get this into perspective quickly.

MistressMounthaven · 03/09/2020 07:25

But your neighbours in the old place may not stay around - once DCs are older people often move to be near elderly relatives, new jobs, downsize etc So to move back for that is illogical. I would be planning my new garden if it was me - the garden is the main decider when I move house (have moved a lot).
You need to get out and walk about to find out what your new neighbourhood is like, so it feels more like home. What it does have to offer.

babba2014 · 03/09/2020 07:42

The overlooked garden would bug me but I am not in a position to buy a house. I'm suprised you didn't check properly, the taps, overlooked garden etc etc. What convinced you to buy this house?

If it's the broken things that are depressing you (it does take some time to settle) then consider it a fixer upper. Get your thinking head on, make a list of things that need fixing and document it like a project and get them fixed. Then sell the house and show the potential buyers how everything is working well and you bought it as a project (and not as your forever home which turned out to be a nightmare).

Remember to check absolutely everything in future houses. Sit in the garden. Turn taps on. Check behind frames.

It is going to hurt that someone sold you a messed up house but it won't hurt so much if this is your project and to make it amazing for the next family.

SockYarn · 03/09/2020 07:46

OP you will get over it

Only if she changes her mindset about all of this and starts looking for positives. At the moment she is 100% focused on negatives, calling rooms "tombs" rather than making plans for how to change them, saying it's just the way she is and she did it (twice) at Uni, writing letters to the owners of her old house.

Of course you can get over it. But you have to want to get over it and move on first.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 03/09/2020 07:57

@steff13. I would guess from your use of the word faucet that you are not from the U.K. It isn’t the norm here to test taps & showers. It probably should be.

But if the plumbing is not great in the OPs new home the sensible thing to do would be to fix it not move house because of it.

MistressMounthaven · 03/09/2020 07:58

When you moved to your last house 20 years ago - were you newly weds? starting a family?
Do you feel you have little to look forward to in your new home?
Your reaction is so strong, is there something else underlying it?

Ginger1982 · 03/09/2020 08:03

I felt a bit like this, though not as much, when we moved to our current house. We left a brand new build that only we had ever lived in for an older property. Like you, we didn't notice certain things until we actually moved. I cried bitterly the first night and said I wanted to go back to the old house. It took me a good few months to feel 'settled' and that was after doing some redecorating to make it feel more like 'ours.'

Three years on, we are moving again and I am feeling anxious about now leaving our current house, the one I originally didn't want to stay in!

The feelings will pass but you need to do something positive rather than wallowing in self pity all the time.

abstractprojection · 03/09/2020 08:08

It sounds like you were sold a bit of duff house OP if things like the shower doesn’t work and there is damage from the dishwasher leaking

You need to decide to either sell and move now with the market crazy. But accept that you may end up in rented accommodation which will most likely be worse and be another upheaval for both yourself and the children, plus the expense and possibility that you could get priced out of your local market if you leave it too late to buy (or if prices collapse your in for a win, but it’s gamble).

Or you make the house a home and bloody nice one. Get the bathroom and kitchen redone, and make the dark bedroom nice. Parking and being overlooked can’t be fixed much but consider if they can be with some landscaping. Then you’ll either fall in love with it or you’ll have a better home to sell.

Will the kids be going to school in this village? If so once they are back you will start meeting people