Moved home and hate it - want to move back!

[Jogalog]

3 months ago I moved home with my husband and 2 children. I pushed for the move - wanted a bigger house in a ‘nicer’ village. Husband went along with it to keep me happy but really wanted to stay where we were. Move was delayed due to lockdown and I found it very stressful wondering if the chai would collapse - but I was so relieved that it didn’t! And so we moved....first day in the house I thought we’d made a massive mistake. Removal men were still unpacking and I went to the bottom of the garden and cried my eyes out. And I’ve done that every day since. Realise I really really miss my old house, village and neighbours- and I guess the feeling of security and familiarisation. And the max thing is we’ve only moved 3 miles! Spoken to loads of people and they say give it time - but I just want to move back NOW! Even if I lose some money on the house. The thought of staying here for even a year fills me with absolute dread and sadness. Anyone else gone through this and either stuck it out or moved back?

@Takemetothebar

It’s only 3 miles!! It’s not like you couldn’t cycle or drive or even walk that every day if you wanted. Make a list of the reasons you wanted to move. Make a list of the things you miss, and then go through that with a pen and cross out anything you can still have in your new village. Then cross out anything you can still return to your old village for.

I agree with your husband- more time needed before you jack it in.

This is good advice. I would also make a list of things that you dislike about the house then head over to the gardening and property/home decor boards for advice on how to fix them eg you can plant trees and shrubs to make the house and garden less overlooked, you can catproof the garden so your cats can't roam onto the road, you can use light reflelcting paint and mirrors to lighten the bedroom etc

Surely you took time to absorb so to speak, this house, when viewing it, and making a decision to buy it. This is usually what happens when you look at new place, and get that certain feeling about a property, and feel it would make you happy to live there.

Give it time, is the best thing to do now, as all things are obviously different from your previous place.

Ok I’ve been in your shoes and it’s a bloody awful feeling! I will be honest it’s taken me 3 years to settle in to our “new” house. I’m finally getting the decorating done which is helping a lot. And the location which was the main reason we bought this house, has proved to be amazing in a pandemic! Yes there are still things I hate (I’m looking at you enormous shitty fly trap conservatory). But I’m much more positive now.

Just a thought, what I’ve realised is that what worked in our old house (particularly in terms of furniture and colours) is all wrong for this house. Replacing all of that bit by bit is making a real difference, but it takes time.

This happened to me. I’ll pm you x

@Jogalog

Arya stark wolf - I have tried to get the old house back! Wrote to the new owners offering them a nice profit if they would sell back! No reply ☹️. Also asking old neighbours if they’ll sell...feeling a bit of a stalker to be honest but I feel more positive feeling that I’m doing something to rectify the situation. Has happened to me a few times before - long time ago when I was on my own and much younger and on each occasion I ‘made it back home’ and don’t regret it at all!

But what does your husband and kids think? You can make it work I bet, 20 years is a long time to live somewhere, I can see what's making you upset but 3 months isn't long enough to make a proper go of where you are now, you need more time to reconnect with people in your new area or meet new people there, you need to get the house they way you want it etc. You need a strategy to deal with snapping you out of the crying phase, give yourself a house project that you will enjoy, change that attitude!

Give it a bit of time! i almost got depressed when we moved I missed the old place so much but i don't miss it now, its great here own parking nicest neighbours and not many of them very quiet here too!

Price has shot up so if i do want to move got a huge choice but felt very much as you did OP when we did move!..

OP, at the risk of sounding twee - at the moment what you have is a house. You need to give it much more time before it becomes your home.

It's not going to happen overnight. Invest in it (emotionally, I mean, I'm sure you've financially invested it in it plenty!). What made you like it enough to buy it in the first place? Focus on those things. It's like any relationship - you can't fall in love if you've always got one foot out of the door.

Has happened to me a few times before - long time ago when I was on my own and much younger and on each occasion I ‘made it back home’ and don’t regret it at all!

OP, what do you mean by this?

It's not your home yet. That's why you're unsettled.

Start to make it look and feel like you want it and it soon will.

I really feel for your family. You’ve put them through a huge amount of upheaval and now you don’t even like the house! Very strange.

Has happened to me a few times before - long time ago when I was on my own and much younger and on each occasion I ‘made it back home’

This is all very odd.

As others have said - and at the risk of sounding twee - the house is just bricks and mortar. It's the people who make it a home. However if you're determined to have such a negative mindset then it's hardly surprising you're miserable. You've decided it's shit and you hate it and have even done the extremely weird thing of trying to buy your old house back.

You moved for a bigger, better house. Which you have. There's no guarantee you'd be able to move back to where you came from, and the house would probably have the same issues which made you want to move in the first place.

This is s mindset issue not a house issue.

Oh and moving house is a massive upheaval for your kids and DH too. It is completely unreasonable to put them through ANOTHER move because of your irrational feelings.

I can relate to this (although it is getting better), we moved in June and like you, it was touch of go cause of lockdown and problems with the chain. The worst of it is, we've only moved a mile up the road. Where we were before was very central, a stones throw from he big Tesco, the bottom of the High Street, I dont drive so a big deal. There is a bus stoop near where we live now, but everything is just that bit further away and less convenient. Our new house has less room, but less living space in some ways if that makes sense. My DH and DS's love it. I am adjusting, I dont feel gutted like I did before, but tbh I will never stop missing our old house, still dont like going past it. Sorry, dont know if that will help, I know my DH doesn't want to move again, will get there gradually I guess. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

Not helpful I know, but I am in the same position. Everyone tells me to give it time too but I don’t want to waste years to just move anyway in a frw years. We moved in February to my ‘dream’ house and I am so unhappy there. We only moved 5 miles too...

Everywhere has its downsides, often things you don't notice till you live there. You are hyper focused on them now, but in time you will get used to them and/or change them. At least you are an owner occupier so you can take actions to change things. My DM said she felt they had made a mistake moving to her current home, over 30 years ago now and she had made it her own.

You had your reasons for moving. If you move back to a different house in your old village it won't be the same and you may find problems with it. You are close enough to still be basically neighbours with all your old friends. You don't need to socialise with people who live next door.

I really think you should give it time. You probably can't move soon anyway, but if you are constantly trying to you will not be giving the new place a chance.

Tell us the reasons you wanted to move, and tell us the good points about the new place.

You've been sending letters to the people who bought your house asking for it back?

Damn op you need to tone down the crazy, you live too close to be doing that. They'll have probably told your old neighbours by now about that.

You liked it before so you need to start remembering why you liked it. I can't believe that you couldn't have noticed these things before unless you're blind, which clearly you're not as you drive. Think you're likely making it seem worse than it is in your head.

We panic bought our house after landlord decided to sell their house which we were renting.

I was just about to post on MN to vent my frustrations! Glad to see I’m not the only one!

I totally get you OP.

The house we live in doesn’t feel like a home. We have unusable space but there is lots of it. We have found ourselves living in cramped conditions.

Although we have four bedrooms, we only use two. One bedroom is unusable due to fitted wardrobes we can’t afford to pull out. Or redecorate once that’s done.

The fourth is an office which isn’t attached to the house.

There is so much unusable hall space and a WC that we don’t use at all. It’s always locked and I could really do with converting this unused WC into a coat and shoes storage room.

The other WC downstairs doesn’t have a window and is used as a shower room. It’s damp and all the paint is coming off like it’s wallpaper.

The upstairs en-suite and bathroom are broken.

I feel like I’m living in a shell. Not the home we paid for.

Not forgetting the umpteen things that are wrong with the house. We bought it in the summer . A week after we moved in we realised the property had major leak issues which were cleverly hidden with a thick coat of paint and botch jobs.

Can’t afford the cost of putting the place back together even though we’ve been living here for almost 2 years.

Partner is happy here because as long as he’s got a place to shit, shower, shave and tap away at his computer it doesn’t bother him.

@SockYarn

Oh and moving house is a massive upheaval for your kids and DH too. It is completely unreasonable to put them through ANOTHER move because of your irrational feelings.

OP, could this exacerbated by a bit of "pandemic anxiety"?

Its when other things that really shouldn't be "big bloody upsets" become them because of everything else that is going on?

You need to take some deep breaths and make some lists about what needs to be done to the house and what you can do in the short term.

This really will have been a big deal for the rest of the family, you loosing your shit about it and going on about it being a bad decision will be just awful for your husband and children.

I feel really sorry for you, but maybe see if you can talk to friends to relieve the stress away from your family.

I agree with all the posts saying it’s a massive upheaval for the rest of the family because I can’t settle. And the last thing I wasn’t to do is anything to hurt them...which is why I want to move so they don’t have to witness their mother in tears most days - and I really really try to hide it from them

Don't worry, you'll soon settle.
Everything is new and also corona makes it unreal ito getting to know neighbours and the community.

The thread about showing people round a new home says it all really.
You do this willingly because you are new and haven't put your stamp on it yet. Once you have you are less likely to want to give people a tour.

I'm sure it will get better, concentrate on making it home, for now.

You're right, your children shouldn't be seeing their mother in tears every day over not liking the new house. If you really can't control that, maybe other stressors are at play and you should have a chat with your GP.

My last move was an upgrade. It took me nearly two years to feel at home But I do now.

Try to put on a brave face in front of your kids, but allow yourself some time to wallow at the back of the garden in the evening. Keep reminding yourself of the benefits of the move.

Why did you want to move? I'm absolutely desperate to move from where I live but not in a position to do so at the moment. Every little damn thing about it is driving me mad. Concentrate on the things you really hated about your old place. There must have been a push factor since clearly there was no specific pull to this village/area/property

Don't contact your old neighbours anymore. Honestly, it might be an idea to contact your GP and talk through your feelings with them.

If you were my partner I would be beyond pissed off, especially as he didn't want to move in the first place.

But you seem to talk about place A (the old place) and place B (current place) as your only options. What about somewhere completely new?