Moved home and hate it - want to move back!

[Jogalog]

3 months ago I moved home with my husband and 2 children. I pushed for the move - wanted a bigger house in a ‘nicer’ village. Husband went along with it to keep me happy but really wanted to stay where we were. Move was delayed due to lockdown and I found it very stressful wondering if the chai would collapse - but I was so relieved that it didn’t! And so we moved....first day in the house I thought we’d made a massive mistake. Removal men were still unpacking and I went to the bottom of the garden and cried my eyes out. And I’ve done that every day since. Realise I really really miss my old house, village and neighbours- and I guess the feeling of security and familiarisation. And the max thing is we’ve only moved 3 miles! Spoken to loads of people and they say give it time - but I just want to move back NOW! Even if I lose some money on the house. The thought of staying here for even a year fills me with absolute dread and sadness. Anyone else gone through this and either stuck it out or moved back?

OP this was me nearly 3 years ago everything your post said. I still think about my old house/area, although not as much anymore. I was EXACTLY like you - very agitated and irrational and howling crying wanting my old house back. The day we moved in, I felt it was wrong, our pet also died that night and I realised how utterly SHIT the sound proofing was! The house was suppost to be a better move, bigger for family needs. The house fell to bits when we moved in, huge flood downstairs, boiler broke, faulty heating - you name it. This did not help my mental health trying to settle.

3 years on and no sign of getting a move I have learned to try and like what I do have and both my children have their own room now - which is why I moved and we are not cramped anymore. There is major improvement still needing done and I will get there. We also got a dog so taking her walks, I have found a hidden gem in the area.

I will be honest though, if I could get my hands on a newbuild or move to a better area Id probs pack up instantly!

You arnt alone and reading this thread makes me realize this. I hope you calm down a bit (HUGS).

You wanted to move, so now it's time to face the consequences of your actions- it may be you are not terribly good at doing this......

You are also being very selfish to your husband with all this crying.

Gosh this is extreme.

You’re not even trying to settle in, it’s like you decided the first day you didn’t like it and have been hell bent on getting back and doing nothing to settle in since then.

I mean this gently but you need to grow up. You’ve got kids. Trying to buy your old propert back, asking to buy old neighbours homes, and crying every day is really concerning behaviour.

I think you need to speak to your doctor again Urgently and take some responsibility to get more help to fix whatever mental health issues Are causing this behaviour, because just now the treatment isn’t working as you said.

And as you do, also do something to make this house a home. This must be awful for everyone living with you. You left your old house for a good reason, now you need to make this house a home, and seek medical help to get you back on an even keel.

And you can still socialise with the neighbours, it’s three miles!

But I really don’t want to waste any more time being this unhappy when I could move back and be happy again

But you can't. The house I lived in between 1983 and 1988 has never been sold since we sold it! It may be that it has been rented out, but it's not been sold according to the Land Registry. So it really could be a very very long wait. Of course you could buy a different house 3 miles back where you have just moved from, but who's to say that it would be any better?

However, if you have already gone to the lengths of emailing the people who bought your old house maybe you could negotiate a house swap ;)

Think about all the reasons why you wanted to move, you say the move was your idea and you wanted a bigger house in a nicer village. You are looking back at your old house with rose tinted glasses.
We can't always live in the house we want to, I didn't like a house I bought once but it ticked all the boxes and was right for the rest of the family, it was just me that hated it. I had no choice for various reasons, we had to sell our old home and move away through no choice of mine so I just had to make the best of it. You are very lucky,you have the house you chose in a village you chose. Now you need to chose to make the best of it, stop being so negative and look at the positives.

I mean this in the kindest way possible. You sound depressed and overwhelmed and I honestly think you should contact your gp to discuss medication and counselling.

How can you not have known about the things you did like about your new house? Did you not go and view it?

Eight years we bought a house in an area I hadn't wanted to buy in, and was the next village to my ideal . It's only plus was it had the big garden my dh wanted and was detached.
The house needed new kitchen , bathrooms , Windows etc , basically the lot . Dh promised me that it would all be done asap.
Eight years on , we have the new Windows / doors / heating but no new kitchen , bathrooms . However dh has done his perfect garden !
Yes I'm a bit peed off that I'm yet to have my lovely home but I'm used to it now and it does feel like a shabby home.

It sounds like good old fashioned homesickness OP. I think you need to accept the way you feel rather than trying to fight it, and realise that you will start to feel better in time. Until then, fake it till you make it. Look on the bright side and find things to improve it enjoy about the new house and village, even small things.
New students at university feel like this all the time. Some just give up and go back to their parents, but the ones who make the effort to get through it end up having a great time.

I agree with user1471538283. Follow your heart and don't waste time trying to settle. You've listed some major things wrong with your new house that can't be overcome. Let friends know in your old village that you're looking to move back so they can help with your search.

You cant go back though OP, the new owners are unlikely to sell it too you because they want the house and have just spent money on it.

Selling a house that quickly isnt going to look good either and I dont think it is about the house either. This isnt a rational reaction and its one that you need I think to look at closely. You wanted to achieve something by the move - what was it? A sense of achievement for getting the bigger house/nicer village. More space etc? Something drove you to want to leave your house that has been unfulfilled by moving - and I suspect moving again isnt going to fulfil it either.

You have done it before - why then?

New students at uni feel,like this because they are away from their families foe the first time. It’s very different. The op has moved with her family.

Hmmm - don’t know about you but I’ve spent far longer choosing a dress than we spent looking at the house. We viewed it twice - for about 30 mins each time. And we drove past it loads just to check it was still there! But I guess the things we (I) really liked blinded me to the more negative aspects. And although I thought the bathroom was a bit dated it was only when we used it that realised the shower doesn’t work. Similarly with the kitchen - looked ok at the viewing but then find that dishwasher leaks and has damaged units and floor, and similar stuff throughout really. Amazing how much damp and damage can be hidden by strategic furniture and pictures. Not massive things to a rational person but as many of the posts have said, I’m not entirely rational at the moment.

@SnackSizeRaisin

It sounds like good old fashioned homesickness OP. I think you need to accept the way you feel rather than trying to fight it, and realise that you will start to feel better in time. Until then, fake it till you make it. Look on the bright side and find things to improve it enjoy about the new house and village, even small things. New students at university feel like this all the time. Some just give up and go back to their parents, but the ones who make the effort to get through it end up having a great time.

I was one who gave up and went back to parents! Obviously a trait with me

@user1471538283

I am sorry. I think I would up sticks and leave as soon as I could. A new home regardless of its condition should be exciting. It sounds like you are having a gut reaction

and what about her DH and 2 children? Do they get a say after they've been uprooted once already in the last 3 months?

I mean this gently but you need to grow up. You’ve got kids. Trying to buy your old property back, asking to buy old neighbours' homes, and crying every day is really concerning behaviour.

Absolutely this.

OP, in the nicest possible way, I did think like a pp that 'moved home and I hate it' meant that you had moved back to the UK from the other side of the world and were hating it, and as someone who has moved countries a lot, and has just moved back to my home country after 25 years in various overseas countries, I was about to offer genuine sympathy, because the reverse culture shock can be really difficult.

But, OP, you've moved three miles -- you can still socialise all the time with your old friends and neighbours, and have exactly the same social outlets, shop in the same places etc, and the things that aren't ideal about the house are all fixable. The fact that you were already weeping in the garden as the removal men were still at work suggests some deep-seated issue in you, not anything to do with the new house or village.

Stop trying to magic your old life back. You moved for a reason, and presumably the reason is still there. You presumably still have the big garden you wanted, even if it's overlooked, and the family room you wanted, even if the kitchen needs repairing or replacement, and the extra bedroom space, even if one isn't bright.

@Jogalog

Hmmm - don’t know about you but I’ve spent far longer choosing a dress than we spent looking at the house. We viewed it twice - for about 30 mins each time. And we drove past it loads just to check it was still there! But I guess the things we (I) really liked blinded me to the more negative aspects. And although I thought the bathroom was a bit dated it was only when we used it that realised the shower doesn’t work. Similarly with the kitchen - looked ok at the viewing but then find that dishwasher leaks and has damaged units and floor, and similar stuff throughout really. Amazing how much damp and damage can be hidden by strategic furniture and pictures. Not massive things to a rational person but as many of the posts have said, I’m not entirely rational at the moment.

Did you not get an engineers report before you bought? They would have spotted the damp. I thought those reports were pretty standard before you buy a property

I was one who gave up and went back to parents! Obviously a trait with me

Well no because they are very different scenarios.

Yep - had a survey. But they don’t move furniture or take down pictures, or try the shower or test the etc etc

Then focus on fixing it op. These things aren’t big deals and you’ve clearly got the money.

Took me 4 years to settle in my home , we moved for all the right reasons but I just didn’t feel settled. Thankfully I stayed put because I now love it , it really feels like home x

I suspect there is more going on here and you need to unpack what it is, maybe just a reaction to the absolutely terrible 6 months we have all had, or maybe something else that you might need help with understanding.

In the short term, you need to forget about moving back and make your new house a 'home'. You can fix nearly everything you have listed for instance, sort out the driving in (practise, can you put up mirrors), secondary glazing if the road noise is bothering you, paint your bedroom, change the kitchen, put up trellis or plant trees to reduce the overlooking.

If you still feel this way after a year or two then perhaps move then (with a more saleable house too) but not now. Concentrate on your mental health and your family.

I have moved a few times and out of 6 moves, I definitely didn't look back for 2 of them. 1 of those I knew pretty instantly on moving in that it was the wrong choice... but I could never have know before I bought ehm. The other moves still had me wobbling in the first few weeks, even the move I have just made to an amazing house which I know is wonderful and we will be very, very happy in (and in fact are already).

Stop, breathe and work out what is going on. Please don't be like a former friend of mine who keeps moving (and across the country) and is never happy. One of her children was in 4 primaries before the age of 6 (including one where they didn't speak English!).

Tricky one then! The crying and irrational reasoning is what makes me think homesickness. It's not about leaving parents - it's about leaving familiar, safe surroundings where you felt confident. Chances are you are looking back with rise tinted views. You have to try and remember why you wanted the move in the first place. Give yourself some time. You don't have to live in this house forever. You can always have the fall back plan that if you still feel this way in a year that you will try and move back. But in the meantime you have to stop moping about and try to enjoy the new place.

You took twenty years to get your previous house to feel exactly as you wanted it to. You need to give this house a chance, you haven't given it the time and thought to make the changes that make a place your home. It sounds like you got it right with your old house, you can do it again with this one, and it will be even better than the last as it will be more spacious with the advantages that you bought it for.

You'll get used to the road, you can modify the garden to give you more privacy, your children will want to bring their friends home for play dates, you'll entertain some of your family or friends... gradually it will become yours. It just needs time. (And effort. And money.)

As PPs have said, it's bricks and mortar. YOU are what will make it a home, just as you did the last one. It isn't a mistake, it's just the shock of having to start again from the beginning.Take it a day at a time, give the meds time to take effect. (That doesn't happen overnight either.) This is just a phase, one day you'll be through to the other side with more equilibrium. Your old house was a previous phase of your life, you've moved on and that's okay.

Also, discovering some unwanted surprises is normal when moving house. Annoying but not a massive issue as long as you have the money. Surely a broken shower is easily fixed?