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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moved home and hate it - want to move back!

220 replies

Jogalog · 02/09/2020 14:28

3 months ago I moved home with my husband and 2 children. I pushed for the move - wanted a bigger house in a ‘nicer’ village. Husband went along with it to keep me happy but really wanted to stay where we were. Move was delayed due to lockdown and I found it very stressful wondering if the chai would collapse - but I was so relieved that it didn’t! And so we moved....first day in the house I thought we’d made a massive mistake. Removal men were still unpacking and I went to the bottom of the garden and cried my eyes out. And I’ve done that every day since. Realise I really really miss my old house, village and neighbours- and I guess the feeling of security and familiarisation. And the max thing is we’ve only moved 3 miles! Spoken to loads of people and they say give it time - but I just want to move back NOW! Even if I lose some money on the house. The thought of staying here for even a year fills me with absolute dread and sadness. Anyone else gone through this and either stuck it out or moved back?

OP posts:
TheHappyHerbivore · 02/09/2020 14:32

Mumsnet has taught me that this is a quite a common phenomenon. I think it’s because an upheaval to your home is such a big change, and it takes a while for the new place to feel like home.

The good news is that these feelings usually fade, so don’t do anything hasty or make any rash decisions. This house will feel like home once you’re settled in - just give it some time.

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 02/09/2020 14:33

Hi OP, presumably you moved for a reason? It sounds like you're in shock at the finality of it, but this feeling will pass, and you will have a lovely life in your new home. It will take time.

I had a similar reaction when I moved to the UK from the US -- I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted to run back home. It's a completely normal feeling. Twelve years later I love my life here. It took me probably six months to a year to really adjust, but I imagine you'll be feeling better within a few weeks.

What do you love about your house and village?

Nikori · 02/09/2020 14:35

I agree with the others. I really hated where we live now when we first moved but now i am settled here and can't imagine living anywhere else. Why did you want to move?

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 02/09/2020 14:37

Keep in mind too OP that a period of prolonged stress (like selling your home over lockdown) can result in temporary emotional crisis and depression. This will pass.

Original poster
Jogalog · 02/09/2020 14:37

Thanks the happy herbivore. I’ve also seen a number of similar posts where ‘give it time’ seems to be the sensible suggestion. And one my husband is advocating. But I really don’t want to waste any more time being this unhappy when I could move back and be happy again! I guess I’m very impulsive. Not many suitable houses in my old village so I guess I’ll have to wait a bit anyway - although started asking old neighbours if they want to sell as I’m that desperate!

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 02/09/2020 14:42

Why are you so upset with the house/area you've moved to especially as it's only 3 miles from where you used to live?

Original poster
Jogalog · 02/09/2020 14:44

Thanks for your replies. I thought the house we moved to would be ‘perfect’! I (thought) it had an amazing garden with views, big bedrooms for the kids and a lovely kitchen family room that I’d always wanted. Reality is it is quite overlooked by house next door, parking is rubbish and I’ve already crashed the car parking, kitchen is bad condition, main bedroom (the tomb) is dark and depressing, road is busier than we expected so terrified for the cats, and it just doesn’t feel like home. Tried doing some decorating to make it feel more like mine but just start burst into tears as I really don’t want to invest any time or money into it when I just hate it and want to leave! So it sounds like a lot of people do the sensible thing and give it time. Anyone do the rash xx and impulsive thing and move back almost immediately? And if so, did you later regret it?

OP posts:
Takemetothebar · 02/09/2020 14:47

It’s only 3 miles!! It’s not like you couldn’t cycle or drive or even walk that every day if you wanted. Make a list of the reasons you wanted to move. Make a list of the things you miss, and then go through that with a pen and cross out anything you can still have in your new village. Then cross out anything you can still return to your old village for.

I agree with your husband- more time needed before you jack it in.

Original poster
Jogalog · 02/09/2020 14:49

Good question. Although it’s only 3 miles away it all seems so unfamiliar. I lived in the last house for 20 years so I guess the roots grew long. I guess I miss knowing everyone around - we had great neighbours we socialised with. I’ve met most of the new neighbours and they seem fine but mainly elderly so maybe not people we would socialise with. I guess my expectations of the house were so great I felt disappointed when I actually moved in. I think next time I’ll try to ‘try before I buy’ on a house!

OP posts:
Thelittleweasel · 02/09/2020 14:49

@Jogalog

Totally agree; the worst move we [or really I have ever made]. No better really after 2 years. I think all the time of going back [alone? or is it better to stay rather than that?]

Takemetothebar · 02/09/2020 14:51

Ok well a couple of those things are fixable very quickly. Sort out a reversing aid to help you park, and get practicing. If you need to, buy stickers or whatever you need to mark out on your wall where you need to turn in- or whatever it is. You know what I mean, if you can’t park easily then do what you can to fix that.

Paint the bedroom and stop calling it a tomb! That’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

What’s wrong with the kitchen? Presumably you viewed it?

Takemetothebar · 02/09/2020 14:54

Cross posted @Jogalog

I think, given your last post, that this is more just a symptom of feeling uprooted. I think you’re finding things not to like because you feel homesick for the last house. If you’ve been there 20 years, of course this doesn’t feel like home yet. Flowers ,come on, give it a go. You can still socialize with your old neighbours can’t you?

Original poster
Jogalog · 02/09/2020 14:54

The little weasel I’m so sorry you feel the same way - after 2 years! What has made you stick it out, and how have you done it? At the moment I think if I was told I had to stay 2 years I’d go running....

OP posts:
emmyhelly · 02/09/2020 14:55

3 miles?! You could walk that in less than an hour!

Wondergirl100 · 02/09/2020 14:55

I cried my eyes out the first night in our house. Was deeply unhappy considering moving out and renting - probably the first year or two I wasn't totally happy with the move to be honest but in the long run it's been brilliant - 8 years on very happy.

Building a home takes time! You can't replicate it.

Make a list of the reaosns why you moved.

If you still hate it in a year you could move again.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2020 14:57

ah OP, give it some time. You can't get your old house back now anyway. What an awful upheaval you would be putting your whole family through again

ChicCroissant · 02/09/2020 14:59

Firstly, stop using such dramatic language to describe your current property Hmm It's really not helping.

Secondly, you do seem impulsive so I wouldn't rush back to your old area because you already know you were not happy there either!

You've moved your family already. You're not happy where you are now, and you weren't happy where you were. The issue would seem to be your own feelings OP, so I'd sort them out first. No house or area will be perfect, there are always compromises. Your feelings are down to you, not the house/bedroom/kitchen.

Have you done this before OP? Occasionally you get people who move quickly but tbh, it seems to be a recurring theme for some people to think 'if we just do x then I'll be happy' and that never works, unfortunately.

Intrepidintrovert · 02/09/2020 15:03

I mean this kindly but you don’t sound rational, which makes me think this is an emotional crisis not a real one. Though that doesn’t make it any easier for you right now. But instead of panicking and trying to escape, you need to start trying to bond. Don’t pick it apart. I bet you could say the same/worse things about your old house.

Pobblebonk · 02/09/2020 15:05

But I really don’t want to waste any more time being this unhappy when I could move back and be happy again

But you can't move back at the moment, can you? And you don't know that you could in the foreseeable future?

Paint that bedroom, do up the kitchen so that it's your dream kitchen, remember that you're still within walking distance of your old friends and now have the chance to make new ones, and think positive.

Serendipper · 02/09/2020 15:07

We moved in January, it was mainly my idea and my choice of house. DH agreed and was happy but I was definitely the driving force (it was also only a few miles from the last place)
When we first moved in I felt like it was a huge mistake. I had dreams where we moved again quickly.
Similar issues to you, parking here is a pain and the old house we had a drive.
Lots of decorating to do which had already been done in the old house.
Garden wasn’t as good and had a massive pond which was dangerous to my toddler.

Then we went into lockdown and I spent weeks staring at these walls and picking faults with everything. Couldn’t do any diy as nothing was open and paint was like gold dust.
We managed to get the pond/garden sorted and We have finally painted the living room and kids bedrooms. I have a plan for some other rooms and it’s not feeling as overwhelming as it all was.

We don’t know the neighbours yet but they seem friendly (I’m still staying in lots as I’m pregnant)

pussycatinboots · 02/09/2020 15:08

Bugger that! Life is too short to be unhappy.
Get the agent to put it back on the market once you've tidied up a bit and do a "please sell me your house" leaflet drop in your old village. Don't unpack everything - that's a waste of time.
Good luck and I hope you get home soon.

Original poster
Jogalog · 02/09/2020 15:08

Arya stark wolf - I have tried to get the old house back! Wrote to the new owners offering them a nice profit if they would sell back! No reply ☹️. Also asking old neighbours if they’ll sell...feeling a bit of a stalker to be honest but I feel more positive feeling that I’m doing something to rectify the situation. Has happened to me a few times before - long time ago when I was on my own and much younger and on each occasion I ‘made it back home’ and don’t regret it at all!

OP posts:
Cassilis · 02/09/2020 15:11

I kind of understand, we panic bought a house and I don't like it, but that's to do with the house itself, not the area or neighbours.

honeygirlz · 02/09/2020 15:12

@emmyhelly

3 miles?! You could walk that in less than an hour!
I don't get this - are you suggesting OP walk to her old house and barge in for a cup of tea?
ChicCroissant · 02/09/2020 15:12

That sounds more manic than positive to me, OP Sad