Moved home and hate it - want to move back!

[Jogalog]

3 months ago I moved home with my husband and 2 children. I pushed for the move - wanted a bigger house in a ‘nicer’ village. Husband went along with it to keep me happy but really wanted to stay where we were. Move was delayed due to lockdown and I found it very stressful wondering if the chai would collapse - but I was so relieved that it didn’t! And so we moved....first day in the house I thought we’d made a massive mistake. Removal men were still unpacking and I went to the bottom of the garden and cried my eyes out. And I’ve done that every day since. Realise I really really miss my old house, village and neighbours- and I guess the feeling of security and familiarisation. And the max thing is we’ve only moved 3 miles! Spoken to loads of people and they say give it time - but I just want to move back NOW! Even if I lose some money on the house. The thought of staying here for even a year fills me with absolute dread and sadness. Anyone else gone through this and either stuck it out or moved back?

sometimes I find its not good to think long term

so I would think about decorating as if I was going to sell, put some of my stamp on it but not think to long and hard about whats or wherefores

have a good old fashioned house warming - but obviously in the back garden and obeying social distancing - that way you make friends and get to know the neighbours. plenty to drink and tell people to bring their own nibbles due to virus as safer

then whitewash the room of doom

I was one who gave up and went back to parents! Obviously a trait with me

You say this quite flippantly, but I think there really is an underlying here that counselling could really help you to explore. There's a fear of change, a dwelling on the past and an extremity of emotional reaction that all points to this being a (treatable!) mental health condition, not just a personal quirk.

If you move back, you still won't have your old house. So you'll still be full of regrets, in fact more, because you'll be reminded every time you see your old house with someone else living in it. You've all had enough disruption, moving back would be more stress and a far worse mistake.

Better to stay in the nicer house with your friends and neighbours still within easy reach. Start counting your blessings and make it work .

There are two things that may be working here. One is that you have homesickness syndrome, where you are in constant yearning for the 'family' home. In which case the best course of action is therapy. The other is that you are right. Objectively that is. You moved to a worse house. You made a mistake. I think that is what you need to figure out.

Although you may be analytical in everyday life, in this area you have told us you are not. You have said you tend to act impulsively, and you want the old house now (an impossibility). The homesickness has come into your life on previous occasions so I would be inclined to think this is the reason you feel so bad now. You feel bad because you don't feel at home. The things in the new house that are not right would not bring down most people: they would be disappointed, yes, but it wouldn't feel insurmountable (I get the impression from your posts that it feels insurmountable to you).

On the other hand, you barely checked out the new house (impulsive). The traffic and parking would be a major deal to me and would be difficult to resolve.

You need to delve deep, dear, and have this convo with yourself. Toughy.

There's a life lesson in this.

No judgement. Just saying. Have been through similar but moved countries. Took 9 months to adjust.

One thing to take into account is that there is no going back to “before”. Even if you moved back, it won’t be the same as before. Especially since you’ve moved 3 miles for a very short time.

As well, moving is a massive thing you invest a lot of energy and project lots of hope into. It's normal to have a come down from that, and you will miss things. Let yourself grieve for them and then focus on your new home, which it will become.

I felt horrified when we moved into our current house - it was run down and tatty and on a busy road. A few years later we've renovated the house and garden and I adore it and people always comment on what a beautiful house is. Just start with fixing up the things you dislike the most. The thing I most hated was our en suite bathroom which was dark brown and once we'd got that redone I was so much happier. Your new house sounds like it's got lots of things going for it - you just need to embrace it.

OP, do you often make decisions without involving the rest of the family? Writing to the people you had just sold the house to does make it sound a bit like you expect to be able to make major decisions unilaterally. Surely if the whole family has just gone through the major upheaval of a move, their feelings count as much as yours do?

Can you post a picture of the tomb? Mums netters i have found are very ingenious when it comes to suggestions. Are you rural or town/city? Is there any local groups you could join to try and feel like you fit in the neighbourhood? You say it's only 3 mile, has it made much of a difference to school catchments? Could that be a positive? I'm not quite sure how mortgages work, whether you're tied in for a time or not before you can move, but if you can say to yourself i've honestly tried my best and this house is not for me, I'd start the process of moving. Put up alerts with estate agents, they may contact you before a house goes on the market so to speak. Only you truly know but talk to DH and make a plan, everyone always feels better with a plan. Even if the plan is, we will do this house up and then if in a month it's still not right, we'll have done it up to sell it on and hopefully not make a loss.

@Jogalog

Thanks for your replies. I thought the house we moved to would be ‘perfect’! I (thought) it had an amazing garden with views, big bedrooms for the kids and a lovely kitchen family room that I’d always wanted. Reality is it is quite overlooked by house next door, parking is rubbish and I’ve already crashed the car parking, kitchen is bad condition, main bedroom (the tomb) is dark and depressing, road is busier than we expected so terrified for the cats, and it just doesn’t feel like home. Tried doing some decorating to make it feel more like mine but just start burst into tears as I really don’t want to invest any time or money into it when I just hate it and want to leave! So it sounds like a lot of people do the sensible thing and give it time. Anyone do the rash xx and impulsive thing and move back almost immediately? And if so, did you later regret it?

It takes ages for a house to feel like 'Home'......At least a year.

Mum moved but still misses her old house like mad...And I miss my childhood home- A modest little Terrace...and still dream of it sometimes.

I think where we felt most secure we feel attached to?

Have you ever watched the film ''The Chain?''....The ending makes me cry! {about moving}...

I can't believe you didn't test the shower before you bought. I thought that was standard practice; you turn on all the faucets, flush the toilets, turn on the shower and the bathtub. It's just part of looking at a house.

@Jogalog

Hmmm - don’t know about you but I’ve spent far longer choosing a dress than we spent looking at the house. We viewed it twice - for about 30 mins each time. And we drove past it loads just to check it was still there! But I guess the things we (I) really liked blinded me to the more negative aspects. And although I thought the bathroom was a bit dated it was only when we used it that realised the shower doesn’t work. Similarly with the kitchen - looked ok at the viewing but then find that dishwasher leaks and has damaged units and floor, and similar stuff throughout really. Amazing how much damp and damage can be hidden by strategic furniture and pictures. Not massive things to a rational person but as many of the posts have said, I’m not entirely rational at the moment.

No wonder you are peed off and want to return 'home'.

Do you feel betrayed by the previous owners not being honest about issues or feel foolish for not asking the right questions/checking for leaks, working shower etc. It will all cost money to rectify.

Your new 'perfect house' is a lemon. We viewed a lovely house many years ago and instinct made us get an in-depth survey. What it uncovered made us run for the hills very quickly. If you move again, perhaps get a very detailed survey which will uncover hidden issues. Best of luck.

Op, why do you have the thought that you should get an exorcist in?

OP, if you moved home to your parents because you were so homesick at university, is it simply that you're someone who is a fundamentally change-averse person who is very dependent on familiar surroundings and routines? In which case, you just need to give yourself time.

I mean this kindly. Its 3 miles. 3!!!!!!

The day we moved into our current home we did. Not actually own it due to mistakes by solicitors . And my father was seriously ill I was very stressed . The whole process was a disaster Then we found over the next few weeks a catalogue of hidden problems .

My OH went out to mow the front lawn and thought it was a bit boggy and realised the bath and washing machine and dishwasher were just emptying out into the garden ( not the drains )

The boiler packed in .

Everything that looked ok had been bodged basically. Even in refitted bathroom they had swept up and left the rubbish behind a bath panel .

I felt the same . What have we done . It’s a money pit.

But we got on with it . Did it up. And actually have been happy here .

15 years on just putting it on the market .

@thesunwillout

Op, why do you have the thought that you should get an exorcist in?

Wow, I missed that.

One house I lived in, there had been a suicide in - the old woman over the road told us as we were moving in

I was horrified.

Anyway.... when I mentioned it to another neighbour, she said ''It was a long time ago, back in the 1950's, and {Name} was a lovely person,
She'd more look after you than hurt you''

I never felt any nasty vibes, but it unnerved me a lot at the time.

Dad said ''Lots of people die in houses- Look at {a house built around 1600} loads of people would have died and been born there stop fussing''

The day we moved in I was so shocked at the state of the house without furniture a real doer upper. I drank gin and tonic sitting on the windowsill while the furniture was brought in. A lot of work later we enjoyed it for 20 years. Had to downsize eventually not happy in new house to start with but we have lovely neighbours it is close to shops, grand children so now happy here.

Give it time.

We’ve moved a lot because of DH’s job. Please feel reassured that it takes 6 to 12 months for a new place to feel even remotely like home.

Try not to panic - you’ve had a hugely stressful time. It sounds like your nerves are all jangly (to quote my Nan). Don’t beat yourself up.

Give it time, be kind to yourself, and try to stay as calm and relaxed as poss. Try and make getting your bedroom sorted a priority - a lovely haven to rest and relax in.

Good luck

Xxx

''The day we moved into our current home we did. Not actually own it due to mistakes by solicitors''

SAME!!
It was when DH and I were getting divorced, a solicitor said ''You do realise you don't legally own the property??''

😱

The original solicitor had cocked up somehow.

Fortunately my solicitor put it right, and original solicitor was reported to Law society and fined.

The old owners could have legally reclaimed the house, despite us paying the mortgage for years!.. Scary stuff.

What does your DH think? The children?

It's not all about you...

started asking old neighbours if they want to sell as I’m that desperate!

I mean, it's not the best sales pitch, OP...have you had any takers?

Ah, villages. 3 miles and you're on another planet. You moved for a good reason. Invite some friends over and pop back to your old pub now and again.

I agree with the advice to start turning the negatives into a plan of action. If it feels like too much to think of all at once, then break it down.

• garden overlooked. Consider strategic planting, trellis, tall shrubs, gazebos etc.

• bedroom looks like a tomb because it's dark. Repaint in a brighter colour, have a look at whether its feasible to put another window in.

• dishwasher leak has caused damage in the kitchen. Hopefully fixed by now. If a new kitchen is too much expenditure then have a look at painting the cupboards and carcasses. And so on.

You were in your old house for a long, long time. But buyer's remorse immediately after the fact is common, and it's easy to overlook the fact that there was a reason why you started house-hunting in the first place.