Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

419 replies

Natureotter · 01/09/2020 08:52

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 01/09/2020 08:57

Cheeky fecker

Gunpowder · 01/09/2020 08:59

In these situations I always say ‘play dates are something parents plan together and in advance.’

Ukholidaysaregreat · 01/09/2020 09:00

Does your DD want her to come round?

Pumpkinnose · 01/09/2020 09:02

That’s awful. Kids are rude but other parents should be more understanding. I’d be honest with the reasons though. Are they in wrap around care - isn’t it a bit late for a play date after that anyway? Or do you finish for standard pick up?

MotherPiglet · 01/09/2020 09:03

If she lives miles away cant she come to your house straight from school, have dinner and let DD and her entertain themselves for an hour then her mum can collect her so you haven't got to take her home?

Nogoodusername · 01/09/2020 09:03

She’s cheeky, but a play date for a 10 year old is no work at all! I don’t see my 10 year old when she has friends around.

Funkyslippers · 01/09/2020 09:03

I must admit, I sometimes find it quite handy when DD has a friend over as it keeps her entertained and I can get on with other stuff. Does your DD want her to come round? I think that answer will tell you what you need to do. If she doesn't want her round, meet her at the car and if the girl keeps pestering you, just stick to you guns and don't feel guilty. It's a bit early in the school year for all this pestering all ready!

Original poster
Natureotter · 01/09/2020 09:04

Yes dd does want her to come round....I don’t want to get in a position where I’m having to drop her off a half hour drive away either, and she seems like hard work.
The problem with arranging in advance is I only get one day off, and that day off is spent as a family. I’m bloody knackered coming in from work after school and don’t want hassle.
Dd goes horse riding and was meant to be palling up with someone to help out but covid has shattered that for her for now.
I’ve asked her cousin over after school today as she lives over the road so I don’t bother so much.

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 01/09/2020 09:05

On the one hand I feel sorry for your DD generally as, as an only child, she should be having a friend over fairly regularly (even once a month). At 10 they shouldn’t need much supervision or “entertainment” from a parent and can be largely left to their own devices whilst you get on with dinner. A bit of company now and again would really benefit her.

On the other hand, this particular girl sounds really bloody cheeky and her mum should be telling her to stop. Can you have a quiet word with her mother and explain that she’s making you feel bad as you aren’t in a position to offer any play dates and ask her to stop?

Todaythiscouldbe · 01/09/2020 09:05

Does your DD want her to come to your house?

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/09/2020 09:06

I wouldn’t want a child with form for lying in my house. What does your DD think?

ichifanny · 01/09/2020 09:06

I have a child the same age it’s a pain in the arse but for the sake of my child I do it , I never did it with my elder child and he’s a bit of a loner and doesn’t bother seeing friends much so I regret doing not making an effort , 10 year olds are no bother at all , I’d say yes on occasion providing her parents do the dropping off / picking up .

Todaythiscouldbe · 01/09/2020 09:07

Sorry. Crosed over with your response. Why can't her mum collect her? I feel sorry for your DD to be honest.

YoBeaches · 01/09/2020 09:07

If your dd wants her to come then fair enough, try to make the effort for her to come to tea after school and the other parent pick friend up whenever you agree. It will be nice for dd to do this and you can still get on with stuff.

But it might be this friend is a pesky little shit that dd has been worn down by and can't say no to anymore.....

Let her decide and if she wants it then find a way that suits you 💐

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/09/2020 09:09

I’d do it now and then and get the mum to pick her up later. At 10 you are reaching the end of ‘play dates’, when she’s at secondary school she’ll prob organise her own social life and get the bus/train whatever

BlusteryShowers · 01/09/2020 09:10

I'm on the fence.

The girl does seem quite cheeky and that would annoy me too, however when I was a child my parents were usually too busy for the hassle of having friends round or driving me to places and it did make me feel a bit left out, as after a while people stop inviting you altogether. Even as a teenager, I would only ever invite one specific friend over as my parents knew her, and I knew they would be annoyed to have to meet a new person. I have vowed to be more encouraging of my childrens' social lives.

Qcumber · 01/09/2020 09:11

I actually feel quite bad for your DD. If she wants this friend over, they're probably planning together in school to ask you.
It sounds like you're just never going to let her have a friend over (who isn't her cousin) and it's not fair on her. It isn't her fault you work too much. If you want weekend to always be family time, then you need to let her have a friend round after school maybe once every few weeks. Why can't DH drive her home if his hours are more normal? Or you could say you can have her round if her mum collects?

SapphosRock · 01/09/2020 09:12

Wouldn't bother me. I'm happy to host play dates though, especially 10 year olds who are unlikely to trash the place and don't need supervising.

It's important for only children to have them regularly.

Sorry OP I think you need to invite this girl over.

whiskybysidedoor · 01/09/2020 09:13

I think you need to suck it up, hiding in the car from annoying kids sounds a bit bonkers.

No one likes play dates so I do sympathise but you do it so your child is happy. It’s not her fault you are tired and a bit socially awkward.

Sorry for being direct but in this case you (like I have in the past) need a kick up the arse on this one. Said with best intentions!

bridgetreilly · 01/09/2020 09:14

Well, have you told her why she can't come round after school? Have you tried to arrange something one weekend?

whiskybysidedoor · 01/09/2020 09:14

And family time is very much over rated to 10 year old girls.

Original poster
Natureotter · 01/09/2020 09:16

@Qcumber because dh works away from home Monday to friday.
It’s also not my fault I ‘work too much’ as I have bills to pay.
Dd goes horse riding once a week, her cousin comes over two to three times a week and is coming over today, they are best friends and as I’ve said I had another school friend round once when I could. She isn’t completely lonely and I do my best but I have a physically demanding job and the thought of play dates after school just fills me with dread.

And thinking about it if I saw a mum in uniform at the school gate I would be horrified if dd was harassing the mum to come over especially when the mum had already declined once. I think it’s rude.

OP posts:
Billben · 01/09/2020 09:17

she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair.

If some snotty nosed child said this to me, they would have been put straight there and then. Mother or no mother nearby, wouldn’t have made a difference. How rude. At her age this is unacceptable behaviour. I’d have been mortified if that was my DD.

Spied · 01/09/2020 09:17

I've had this.
Ds's friend bypassing his mother and running up to me asking to come to play. Mother would slope over looking hopeful...it's infuriating and I used to stand there making excuses and go home feeling annoyed that I couldn't be more firm.
I spoke to DS about how it's very rude of his friend asking this all the time and I very firmly started saying "No" and moved away when the boy asked (DS didn't even really want this kid over but felt he couldn't say no).
I was more annoyed with the mother than the cheeky kid.
Their behaviour has ensured they will NEVER come to my house.

Theelderscrolls · 01/09/2020 09:18

I think if your dd genuinely does want to have her over you should try and make it happen. Get the other girls parents to do the pick up and drop off though.