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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

419 replies

Natureotter · 01/09/2020 08:52

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

OP posts:
cologne4711 · 01/09/2020 10:04

she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair

Ha ha, maybe she needs to learn that life isn't fair! What a cheeky wotsit.

I'd say yes she can come, leave a snack and drink out for the girls and tell the mum she must collect by a certain time. Any deviation from that and the experiment isn't repeated.

My concern is that if she's that cheeky she'll be hassling you all the time when she's at your house so you want to head that off at the pass.

MsIrrational · 01/09/2020 10:04

I get your reasoning OP but I do think it would be nice if you fit in the odd play date for your DD. Even if it was a few hours on your family day every now and then.

I loved having friends around when I was younger.

You don't have to keep them occupied, just let them get on with it! If she is far and because she keeps asking then perhaps say yes but only if she is collected rather than you driving her home.

Is there a chance that your DD is asking her friend to ask you? That's quite normal for children when they know their parents will say no if they are the one to ask...

VettiyaIruken · 01/09/2020 10:05

You talk about it being tiring for you etc.
What is it you think you will physically have to do?
If they were 4 or 5 then yes, you'd need to play with them, supervise and so on.
But 10? Surely they come in, go to her room and play.

You could make it a condition of having her over that her parent must collect her at X time.

What things are you thinking you will have to do that you wouldn't otherwise be doing?

sunglassesonthetable · 01/09/2020 10:06

OP I should have said I really feel for you with the pick up after work etc

Play date - only after school!

Pick up both girls. They play . Beans on toast/pizza tea. Mum picks up 6.30/7. End of. Probably 2/3 hrs tops.

Keep it really simple.

Personally I did this stuff during the week and left weekends for family .

Longwhiskers14 · 01/09/2020 10:06

Is there a chance that your DD is asking her friend to ask you? That's quite normal for children when they know their parents will say no if they are the one to ask...

This. ^ I suspect your DD is getting her to ask because she knows she'll get an outright "no, I can't be bothered" from you if she asks.

Genevieva · 01/09/2020 10:07

Maybe the Mum is hoping to pick her up a bit later from your house - free childcare! I doubt you will ever get an invitation if it hasn't been offered already. At the moment, with Covid, a lot of people are restricting who they have round. Maybe next summer when the weather is nice you and the mother could take the girls somewhere close to school together and get to know them both a bit more before you invite the girl round. In all honesty, if she lives that far away she will probably be going to a different secondary school in a year's time so I am not sure it is worth bothering too much.

Minimumstandard · 01/09/2020 10:08

The child was rude but I feel so sorry for your DD. Having friends round to play is a normal part of childhood. She'll stop being invited to playdates and parties if she can never invite back.

blackteaplease · 01/09/2020 10:08

I also think you are bing unreasonable. My dd is 10 she and her friends arrange her own playdates, then come to parents to agree dates. At that age they need no input from you other than an additional meal and the other girl's mum can collect her.

I understand you are tired but you are coming across as uninterested in supporting your dd. The friend is cheeky for asking directly, but maybe your dd asked her to?

Bbq1 · 01/09/2020 10:09

It's only a playdate. Like others have said 10 year olds need little supervision. Have you never hosted a sleepover? Sleepovers can be hard work sometimes but I wouldn't deny my son having friends to stay and he's had dozens of Sleepovers over the years. It's about helping your daughter develop her friendships. I understand you're tired as i work ft too, but 2 ten year olds won't be any hassle.

GabsAlot · 01/09/2020 10:10

the girl sounds like a brat-i had a friend like that once always demanding she was never allowed over

sunglassesonthetable · 01/09/2020 10:11

*You talk about it being tiring for you etc.
What is it you think you will physically have to do?
If they were 4 or 5 then yes, you'd need to play with them, supervise and so on.
But 10? Surely they come in, go to her room and play. *

I get you with this OP. If you are tired it's the mental load of it all. You REALLY Don't have to justify yourself. And I'm surprised posters are asking.

Don't worry once you've done an after school play date I think you'll see it's really not a big deal. It's not treats and mac donald's . You need the practice.😄

Just bite the bullet and see. 👍🏻

loopy42 · 01/09/2020 10:14

My mum worked full time whilst I was in primary school and as a result I never had play dates...or was invited to any either.

It led to me becoming quite isolated at school and left out I never got invited to birthday parties for instance.

I work full time and have DD10 and I've made a point of initiating play dates and sleepovers since she started school. I don't want her having the childhood I did.

I am tired after work and could do without the hassle but that's the sort of sacrifices we make for our kids

AvengingGerbil · 01/09/2020 10:14

I would just remind the child and her mother that there is a pandemic on, and just because the schools are back does not mean that everything has gone back to normal.

ColleagueFromMars · 01/09/2020 10:15

I think I'd stuck it up once, by prior arrangement with the mum, on the understanding that she has your DD for a reciprocal.

If you got mum to come and pick her up from yours at a time that works for you, all you really have to do is cook an extra portion of dinner, or get a mcdonalds or take-away tea. And then look forward to an evening 2 weeks later where you didn't have to rush home from work, and could chill for a few hours before going to pick up your DD.

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/09/2020 10:15

Well this kid sounds like an awful little snot and their mum is being as wet as hell. I would NEVER let my kids do that to another parent! So rude

How do you know the girls haven’t been planing it as the DD knows her mum would say no to her, but might say yes to the friend?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/09/2020 10:16

I'd do a playdate - on the proviso that the other parent collects their child. I'd not invite this particular child. It's rude to invite herself over but tbf, the mother sounds like a total wet lettuce who hasn't taught her any manners. Over the years I've weeded out the rude kids from my DC's friendship groups - only polite, well behaved kids get a second invitation. This one has given you a heads up that she's going to be a pita. But I do think you should let your child have a friend over every few weeks. It honestly won't be as bad as you think, if you are selective about the friend.

Zeldaaa · 01/09/2020 10:16

Honestly at 10 I can’t really see what the issue is. You don’t have to facilitate anything. You probably won’t even see them. All you need to do is make extra food so she has something to eat as well. Ask the mum to collect her at a particular time.

TheVanguardSix · 01/09/2020 10:20

The fact that the child is hassling you for playdates gets my hackles up. They're always the pains in the butt, those ones who harangue you in front of their silent parents. I've been at the school gates 18 years. I've got war stories. Playdates are fine. But avoid the pushy ones! You live it, you learn it! They're pushy for a reason (and mum loves a bit of a break and will start taking the piss). Avoid, OP. Avoid!

ZiggeryZaggy · 01/09/2020 10:21

You don’t need to take them to McDonald’s or anywhere else or make any extra effort (unless going to the drive through on the way home is more convenient for you, then you should do it Smile)

Arrange a pick up time, and make sure the kid has got her shoes and coat on five minutes before that time, then you don’t have to stand around making conversation with the mother while waiting for the daughter. Just a quick hello and then get the child out the door. Done.

Then, hopefully she will reciprocate, your DD will he happy and excited, and you will get a quiet evening after work one day.

Doingitaloneandproud · 01/09/2020 10:22

My son is an only child, around the same age, he has friends over after I've finished work. They are no bother as tbh I don't see them until dinner, and I'd be making dinner for him and I anyway so an extra plate isn't a problem.

I do think perhaps once a month or so for your DD to have a friend over (maybe not this one if you don't want her) would be really nice for your DD

MrsPeacockDidIt · 01/09/2020 10:22

I have an only child DS9 and I’ve always encouraged friends over as it’s nice for him. At 9 having a friend over is a blessing. I don’t see them in except for food and that is generally
Pizza or something else quick and easy. If it’s suits me I offer to drop the friend home but mostly the other parent collects. That seems to be the general “rule”. I’m failing to see what is going to make having your daughter entertained by a friend will be physically exhausting. It sounds more like you don’t want “strangers” in your home which is your right but sad for your daughter if she wants her friend over.

Sarah510 · 01/09/2020 10:22

I've had kids this age pestering me too - but usually dd didn't want to invite them. Could you arrange something with the mum. It might even give you a 'night off' - you could go straight home, relax, and pick up dd later? I feel your pain as a single mum working full-time, but I have done a lot of driving around when dd was that age... If you did a night after school then the other girl did a night, it might work out. I also found that most people who had the playdates were 'nice' about dropping dd back after, or collecting their dd, as they knew I was on my own, but yes it is a pain - but it's only for a couple of years - it's so important for them to make friends now while you can 'help out' as once they get to teenagers you cant even help them meet up as parents are not involved at all then, so if your dd is keen I'd try and make it happen. I know you're tired, but ….

Sarah510 · 01/09/2020 10:24

yeah definitely set up the ground rules - if you collect them both from school, the other mum has to collect her child, and you specify a time - "see you at 6pm" or whatever, it doesn't have to be late if it's a 'school' night....

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 01/09/2020 10:27

I do think the girl has been cheeky and at 10 really ought to know better than to be so pushy about this.

That said, I agree that you should try to let dd have a friend over occasionally. I sympathise with the tiredness but it’s important to facilitate individual friendships, especially with an only child. It’s not like it needs to be a weekly thing and at 10 they’ll entertain each other - they really don’t need looking after. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask the other mum to collect her afterwards.

My parents were always too busy, too tired, it’s too much hassle etc when it came to our friendships and any kind of socialising generally. They’re the type of people who are tired at the mere thought of doing anything outside their routine. I’ve always been determined not to be as stuck in the mud as them when it comes to my own dc.

OrchidJewel · 01/09/2020 10:28

I get how you feel especially the cheeky child but you have to make an effort. I personally want my 10 year olds friends to come around and feel comfortable so this can continue into teen years. My mother used to make a massive unnecessary fuss over play dates, being a chore, cleaning around us, making sure parents picked up on time, it was such a load palaver. It ended up as soon as i was old enough I disappeared over to other pals houses. It used to upset my mother but she just didn't understand her negativity and fuss.

Try loosen up for her sake, 10 year old girls really are low maintenance if this child happens to be a pain well at least you've done it. Yes some pals are painful with their drama and I dont put up with shite in a jokey way but most are lovely. It gives a great insight into dynamics going on and really helps if there is school drama as I kinda know the personalities.

Stuck just doing planned activities isn't enough really. In a few years time you will want her to have her pals around and not be fleeing somewhere else. Look at the bigger picture