Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

If dd wants a friend over then the parents of the other child has to collect them (and drop off if needed), I’m often too busy to be running around picking up and dropping off kids but I’m happy for them to come over as they are never any trouble.

Just allow her to come over but tell her that her parents will have to collect her.

I'm a bit confused by the work bit. By the time kids are age 10 most parents are working are they not? If you can do pick up every day the hours can't be that bonkers. DH and I, and most f-t working parents I know, don't finish/get home until somewhere after 6pm. Pre covid with commutes that would often be one parent getting home at closer to 8pm. That means wraparound childcare for a good chunk of the school week which makes playdates impossible. If you can pick up every day why on earth not pick up two, bit of a play in their room, tea and telly, job done?

Why aren’t you organising play dates with children other than your DDs cousin? Of course you don’t have to do it when put on the spot, but surely it’s part of a kids life? Also I’m sorry but nearly all the mums I know work, so big deal! It’s nothing special, it’s called being an adult.

Op has said dd wants the friend to come to play. As her poor dd is only allowed a cousin to play with the girls msy have cooked up a plan to organise it and op, your dd might have told her friend to ask you outright as they think then you won't say no. My ds has a friend who lives in our old road. They are still friends now but when much younger they were in and out of each other's houses daily. We still had other friends over for playmates and sleepovers though. You aee severely limiing your child's social circle.

I'd arrange one play date after school on the understanding the mum collects her.

But I'd tell the girl it is special treat and if necessary explain to other mum it's not something you can do often.

Agree with pps. If I was the other mum and my dd was so keen to get together I would invite your dd round first. The fact that she hasn’t and that she allows her dd to be so rude makes me think she is a cf.

I do think you are being a tad unreasonable - your daughter would like to have this friend round, they probably build it up big at school and so you are seeing an over-excited girl asking. To say you’ve had a different child round “once” means you really don’t help your child to socially interact with her school peers. A cousin is not the same as a non-relative friend. And horse-riding lessons is also not the same. You can choose if you’d rather do after-school or weekends but to never have your daughter’s school friends, especially when an only, is a little sad.

10 year olds can amuse themselves. I always found it easier when my dd had a friend home. Child’s parents collect. Then next time dd will be invited to friends and you get an evening to relax - except to collect her.

My 7 year old had a friend like this. He actually comes over quite regularly. The mum was lying in wait for me the week after I had a new baby to tell me that they had arranged between themselves for her son to come over to my house!

I don't understand why you have to drop the girl back though - protocol where I live is to collect your child. At 10 your dd and her friend shouldn't require much supervision - why don't you organise a play date? Why can't your dd go to her house? Other child sounds precocious though and that would piss me off.

It is pretty normal to have after school play dates though. I have 5 children and generally will have 2/3 play dates a week across the 5 of them (not all at my house though!). It's good for their social skills but sometimes a nightmare to organise after work, cleaning the house, cooking, and various after school clubs so I feel your pain!

Could you text the mam and explain that you’re happy to take her dd to your house if she could pick her up?

It’s no extra effort really to collect the friend with your daughter after school, they’ll entertain each other, give them dinner (no extra effort as you’d be cooking anyway) and have her mum collect her after

I'd say go for it even once if your daughter wants it then you've either ticked a box or you might like to continue it once a month but I will say in front of the mother I usually say'we really cant have her over today but we will organize it, dont worry.'
For the people who say it's not a hassle, of course it is a bit of a hassle you dont just throw them the remainder of what's in the cupboard, you have to have some form of fun food in, the place is generally a bit cleaner, plus if it's a homework day you have to try to get it all done but also have time for playing after.

I would just remind the child and her mother that there is a pandemic on, and just because the schools are back does not mean that everything has gone back to normal.

This isn't the OPs concern! Does every thread have to be brought back to CV? It's very tedious.

YABU. It sounds a bit miserable for your Dd, only allowed to socialise with her cousin and an only child. I am not into making mums feel guilty but you at work 6 days a week and your partner away Mon- Fri sounds difficult to manage. Could you perhaps take an afternoon off every 2 weeks and have that as a play date day? Or better have a sit down with your family and discuss your lifestyle and work out a plan which doesn’t mean everyone works all week?

Her mum should definitely collect her though, that’s the standard arrangement where I live.

It's normal for kids to beg for playdates but this girl sounds particularly insistent and the mum should be nipping it in the bud if she's right there. It's also odd she hasn't invited your DD if it's so important to have a playdate.

OTOH I do think you should make the effort to invite DD's friends occasionally. Maybe tell DD she can have one friend back a fortnight (either after school or on a weekend) then it's up to DD to choose who. At 10 it's not usually that much effort to throw an extra few fish fingers in the oven and let the girls entertain themselves.

MN can be really weird and controlling about playdates. It's your child's home too and they should be allowed to invite their friends over. Apart from it being fun especially for only children, being a good host and knowing how to treat a guest in your home is a good skill to learn.

Playdates for 10 year olds are not hard work, they just play and you can get on with things. I have 3 dds and they've always had friends round after school, even when they were younger than your dd, it wasn't too much bother at all.

I'd let your dd take the lead - if she wants this friend to come over you should invite her. You don't have to drop her home, arrange with parents for them to collect her and specify the time.

I would encourage your dd to ask other friends back too if she would like to.

With all due respect, I think your lifestyle is unbalanced if an only child has had a friend round 'once' for swimming and McDonalds. Yes, you work to the pay the bills. But what are these bills? My dd would love to do horse riding but it's very expensive so we've said no. I work part time. We shop in Aldi. We adjust our lifestyle in order to have a better work/ life balanace. Your dh works all week? You don't sound happy, you sound exhausted and irritable. I feel sorry for your dd to be honest. But of course, she has horse riding lessons, so that will make up for the rest of it.

I am an only DC as is DS and I think it's really important to support play dates where you can.

I agree with others saying that doing it once and seeing how it goes is the way to go. I would expect the other DPs to offer to pick up and also for DD to get a reciprocal invite within the next month.

I think this particular child and her mother are cheeky.
If she's that keen on a playdate, the Mum could invite your DD over straight after school and you pick her up from theirs later on in the evening.
On the other hand, I do think you should be facilitating some playdates with others and not just with her cousin.
At that age I was having friends over once every couple of months for sleepovers or I was at theirs. The main reason for that was that I lived miles away from my other school friends in the countryside. We were at an independent school with a huge catchment area. It often wasn't practical to go just for the day. I have very fond memories of these sleepovers. I'm an only child too and I think it's necessary to help them have a wide range of friends.
I also had a best friend for a few years (until she got into drinking and boys at a young age and I wasn't there yet..) who lived in the town near the school. Every couple of weeks I'd go home with her and my Dad would collect me later in the evening - fitted in with his plans well too.

I do think that as an only child it's helpful to visit other people regularly and see how families interact. It was always fascinating for me to visit friends and have siblings in the house!

As for the cousin thing, be careful with that. I had similar with my cousin for years and years and we were inseparable until it came to GCSEs and I did much much better than her. It all went completely pear-shaped after that and we had a massive falling out and I was bereft as she was my closest friend. When I see her these days I still feel a massive sadness about it and we haven't ever been able to get back to normal.
Cousin as best friend is really nice but they shouldn't be the only best friend.

I meant your dh works AWAY all week. Sounds like a high paying job or probably not worth the sacrifice of working away.

Also, in the nicest possible way, you are only going to work. Like most other people. If you are picking your daughter up from school you have hours and hours before bed! I'm guessing you start early though, but lots of us are doing that too.

YABU. This particular child sounds irritating but your DD wants a play date and I think you’re being unfair. At that age, they amuse themselves and I’m sure her parents would collect her. I understand not wanting to drive her home. I’ve never experienced this though. Where I live, parents always collect their child after a play date, it’d be highly unusual to expect the host to drive.
You clearly work very hard and it sounds exhausting but let your DD have friends over. They’re not tiny any more and don’t need constant supervision. If anything, I find mine need less attention when a friend is keeping them occupied. :)

The mum has some cheek allowing her daughter to accost your and demand to come to yours for play dates when you're clearly saying no. Your kid is with her 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. You are not isolating your child so people saying it's mean need to consider that.

I have an almost open door policy for all my 3 kids friends. My house is constantly full of children, some of whom I don't even know but I admit I do get really annoyed when AGAIN AND AGAIN children are asking to stay for a sleepover (pushing my kids to ask, and then getting them to argue or bargain when I say no). Its bloody cheeky, especially considering that they know full well that their own parents encourage them to come to mine but don't like children in their own homes. My kids (who are always praised for being very polite, well behaved, nice etc) rarely get invited in, never mind for a sleepover and my house has become the default, where everyone sends their kids when they really just want a babysitter.

If the child was saying something like she did to you OP, and the mum stood idly by allowing her I would probably ask her if her parents ever taught her that inviting yourself to someone's house when they've already said no, is bad mannered and rude? And then stare pointedly at the mother.

She is very cheeky, which would put me off too! And why doesn’t her Mum start off he inviting yours, if her dd is so desperate?

However for your dds sake I would make an effort. It’s important to kids to be able to invite friends over.

It might also make life easier and they will entertain each other!