Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

I do think being knackered after work is a pretty poor reason not to let your DD have friends over. As others have said, 2 10 year olds aren't going to need much supervision.
And if you're picking DD up from school, it's not like she's not arriving until tea time. What do you need to do between say 3.30 and teatime that you can't do with a friend round? (Acknowledging that school pickup might be a bit later than that).

Oh and this mother wouldn't allow any of her ds's friends in her home.

If your DD wants her to come round, I think you should somehow make it work.
Next time friend asks, say that you and her mum will have to talk about it, and get the mums number there and then.
Call her later in the evening and explain why it's difficult for you, but suggest a day/time when it might be a bit easier, with the understanding friends parents will collect her.
I get that it's difficult. I get that the girl is annoying. I get that you're knackered. But do you really want your DD to have no social life outside of you and her cousin?

Where we are, the norm is that if you host the play date, the other parent collects their child at the end, the host doesn't usually have to take the child home as well. Whilst it can seem like hassle, I think you should make more effort to allow your daughter to have her friends round.

Does your DD want her over? If the answer is no, then it's a no brainer.

OP, I don’t see the need to make excuses why you can’t have this child over. At the end of the day, who on earth would want their DD/DS to be friends with such an entitled child to begin with.
As stubborn as I am, I’d be standing firm on not inviting her to teach her a lesson that she can’t always have what she wants when she demands it.

Surely you can deal with a cheeky 10 year old without hiding?

I don’t understand why my dd hasn’t been asked to her house if she wants to see her so bad, why does it have to be my house. That’s what I find most rude about it.

I'd have the kid over on a Friday and her mum comes to pick her up. Just the once. But I would take the time to explain to the mum, and also the cousin's mum, that you work 6 days a week so play dates are difficult. Cousin is different because she lives over the road.

You're being very reasonable. The DD and the mum might be CF's, but I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and explain.

Yeah, she could easily invite your dd round. It sounds like your dd would love to have more company, though, so I would maybe try self-inviting yoru dd to her house? That would give you a bit of peace, too.

It's a bit odd, I have an inbuilt aversion to inviting myself round to someone's house, but if she's doing it to you, you can return the favour!

X-post.

Etiquette is you ask over to your house, not ask to go to someone else's. Sounds to me like they're just nosey.

There are two issues here.

The girl being rude and putting you on the spot.

And the fact you don't want playdates in general. I don't really see what difference a uniform makes. If you're picking your daughter up after school then in your position I'd do playdates. In this case you could arrange for the mother to collect her later so you dont have to drive. It's just having another kid for a couple of hours not a load of work. I dont finish work til later and my child is in after school club, and I think she misses out on the after school play dates so would do it if I could.

For all the time you spend angsting over it you could just have the play date and be done with it.

Either way you are making this into a way bigger deal than you should. I don’t really understand what your uniform has to do with anything. Demonising this kid isn’t going to make up for you feeling shitty about you not wanting to host the play date.

I don’t understand the uniform thing - why would this signify that you’re any more knackered than any other parent at the school gates?

If your DD wants to see her and her Mum can collect her at home time then would it be so bad once in a while?

I understand being tired- I really do. But she's only had one friend over? The dynamics between family and friends is very different. If the parent can come collect her afterwards, you are being a bit unreasonable

This is difficult. The mother is incredibly rude and pushy, and the girl sounds obnoxious. How will it play out for your daughter at school if you continue to refuse? Could you have her round once, but insist that she is picked up from yours at a specific (early) time? After that the ball is firmly in her court to invite your DD round.

Because the uniform means I’m just in from work and if I saw dd harassing a mum in the playground who had just finished work to go round their house I would be mortified.
I’m more pissed off the mum just lets her ask me. Why had my dd never been invited round first? I would never let my dd invite herself over.

If it was a different kid I would feel better about it but the fact I’m getting harassed makes me think she will be a pain in the backside.

Honestly? Your child is 10 so having friends over at that age requires minimum effort anyway. Once they run up to her bedroom or whatever you won’t see them for dust.

If this kid has put you off her because she’s being so forceful, fair enough I guess but a bit harsh, but worth encouraging your daughter to invite her friends over especially as she’s an only child so must get a bit bored by herself at times.

I don’t understand why you think it will be so hard and tiring for you? Surely they will play together, have whatever you would usually give dd for tea, and then she will get picked up? Why is it any different to having her cousin over?
Most parents work now, but manage to have their children’s friends over all the time. I’m tired after work isn’t really a good reason not to. I find it really weird you’ve only ever had a friend over once ( if I’ve read that right).
It is rude that she’s trying to come to you rather than inviting dd to hers, but it’s actually easier for you as it means you don’t have to do the pick up drive at the end.

I feel sorry for your DD, you really can’t EVER facilitate having a kid to your house? 10 year olds pretty much look after themselves, your DD could play, you get on with whatever and the kids parents pick her up.

Both DH and I work full time, so I have sympathy with lacking time. But this pattern - you working 6 days, him away from home during the week - seems very unfair for your dd as an only child who's just been through the isolation of covid. Or maybe it's a mindset adjustment - many of us literally drive from work to the school gate, are you going back to work afterwards or is there a reason you couldn't ever have someone over?

It's nice she has her cousin, but it's important that she gets to choose her friends too. If you can see her cousin after school and on weekends (presumably because it means you get to see your sibling) then you have time for someone else. Can you not drive her home, let the kids play a bit, cook a simple tea then have her mum pick her up? Minimal effort for you, lovely for your dd.

Is the girl really that awful? Or has your DD pushed her to push you because your DD knows you never let her have friends over?

"If you want to hang out with my DD after school, it will have to be at your house."

Mantra if she puts you on the spot again. And yes, she's a rude little shit.

If she persists, "I don't allow rude children into my home. I work too hard to put up with rude, entitled children."

Which is what mine would do...