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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

419 replies

Natureotter · 01/09/2020 08:52

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 02/09/2020 19:51

He did once in P1 but not since. He is a typical only child I think. Happy to play by himself but I worry so much about him

DD is an only child so I made sure that we reciprocated every time she was invited to another child's house. It cuts both ways. If you never allow any children to come to your house then children will notice and not invite your child to theirs.

I posted this upthread, but I don't suppose everyone read it. DD's ex BF was never allowed to have friends round - not even in secondary school. He is at university hundreds of miles away and never comes home "because there is nothing worth coming home for"

Keeva2017 · 02/09/2020 20:04

@Ginfordinner I agreed. We reap what we sow as parents and if we are too tired and selfish to even allow our children to have visitors in their own home occasionally, it’s not going to be a home they wish to spend much time in when they have the choice.

I Just feel sad for kids whose parents can’t be arsed with the dishing up an extra serving of tea for a school friend because that’s literally all there is too it.

No need to have the cf kids round but surely there is one in the whole class that’s well behaved!

Mary46 · 02/09/2020 20:12

I agree hard work if the kid is difficult. You shouldnt feel harassed either though. Found some girls grand after school. I know my friend doesnt do them says her own enough has 3!!!

MrsBadcrumble123 · 02/09/2020 20:47

No is fine EVERY TIME if it’s going to be a pain and cause you stress! You owe this kid nothing!

MrsBadcrumble123 · 02/09/2020 20:50

@Ginfordinner WOW you sound delightful! Talk about kicking someone whilst they are down. I have never had my DS’s school friends for dinner because we have a massive group of family Kids and friends Kids who my DSs see multiple times a week they aren’t hard done by because some kid from school hasn’t been over!

PablosHoney · 02/09/2020 20:54

🤔 Kids of your friends are different from friends they have made themselves ‘some kid from school’ says it all really.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/09/2020 21:22

. I have never had my DS’s school friends for dinner because we have a massive group of family Kids and friends Kids who my DSs see multiple times a week they aren’t hard done by because some kid from school hasn’t been over!

And not very relevant to OPs DD situation tbh as she doesn't have that.

Raynasmum2015 · 02/09/2020 21:22

@Schmoozer

Kids ask to go round each other’s houses Kids like to play together outside of school

I can’t see the big deal with this kid being keen to play with yours after school ??

10 year olds don’t want mummy entertainment on play dates ! They sort themselves out !!

You DO sound a bit of a martyr !!!

The "big deal" is that this child is being downright rude about it and her mother is encouraging it, you don't just invite yourself to someone's house like that.
louise4745 · 02/09/2020 21:25

It's not a play date if they are 10 is it? Yes be had my kids friends over from age 3 to now (8 and 10) I'd say the older they are the easier it is to have someone over.

Celestine70 · 02/09/2020 21:26

Could you do it on a Friday when dad is home and he could drive her home after?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/09/2020 21:31

I have never had my DS’s school friends for dinner because we have a massive group of family Kids and friends Kids who my DSs see multiple times a week they aren’t hard done by because some kid from school hasn’t been over!

Kids are in school 7h a day with their schoolfriends and may want to see them outside school, not mummy's friend Sandra's daughter who they semi hate buf mummy wants to see sandra.

fatfacefantastic · 02/09/2020 21:31

Can someone tell me - Until what age is it considered a play date where the parents arrange it???

OlivaX · 02/09/2020 21:37

YANBU. Trust your gut instinct. Clearly bad manners run in their family. I wouldn’t entertain it.

PablosHoney · 02/09/2020 21:38

My daughters are 11 and 13, the younger will concoct a plan with a friend then they will ask if it’s ok as they always need transportation, the elder will organise herself but let me k ow what’s happening and sometimes need a lift

Stilsmiling · 02/09/2020 21:39

If your daughter is happy with playing with her cousin and her after school activities then don’t feel pressurised by a ten year old child. I totally understand that you feel less like having the school friend at your house since she has been very vocal about wanting to come over (ie. complained to you in front of her mother!) Some adults don’t have common sense to know that there could be many reasons that it doesn’t suit for a play date and that they should be able to take a hint.
Get her to meet you at the car as planned, don’t stress about it any more, if she corners again about it just say with confidence and a smile “after school doesn’t suit me at all and I’m only off on a Sunday when dd’s daddy is home and we spend the day together. Sorry. It’s great you get to see each other every day in school.” If the mum asks you, just be smiley, brief and confident, “I know they would like it but it really doesn’t suit me now or for the foreseeable future as I’m just so busy Mon-Sat and then Sunday is OH is home and our one day together.”

louise4745 · 02/09/2020 21:47

That should have read "I've had"

tierdytierd · 02/09/2020 21:50

You sound like a hardworking mum who should trust her gut!
You’re solo parenting for 5 days per week whilst working full time demanding job.
I’d be feeling the same way. My son is an only child I am a solo parent and work full time. He understands why I work and what that affords is and is aware that I can’t always say yes and also need a rest and time to decompress the same as he does after school/social/hobbies. You’re setting a great example doing what you do and also showing her it’s ok to say no and not be manipulated by either the pushy over zealous kid or her mum who may be praying you say yes so she gets a break. YANBU. Avoid the mother and child, if you’d like for your daughter and her to have a play date go to the park neutral ground where her mum has to be to look after and get her home

Mittens030869 · 02/09/2020 21:53

No is fine EVERY TIME if it’s going to be a pain and cause you stress! You owe this kid nothing!

It's not about what she owes this kid. If her DD would like to have this friend to her house to play, then why wouldn't you want to facilitate this happening? It's not about the OP, it's about her DD. The OP has said that her DD wants her friend to come over.

snappycamper · 02/09/2020 22:00

@TwelveLeggedWalk

I'm a bit confused by the work bit. By the time kids are age 10 most parents are working are they not? If you can do pick up every day the hours can't be that bonkers. DH and I, and most f-t working parents I know, don't finish/get home until somewhere after 6pm. Pre covid with commutes that would often be one parent getting home at closer to 8pm. That means wraparound childcare for a good chunk of the school week which makes playdates impossible. If you can pick up every day why on earth not pick up two, bit of a play in their room, tea and telly, job done?
This is exactly what I was thinking. You aren't working that hard. And wearing uniform doesn't signify harder work than the rest of us. Give the kid a break and let her have a friend over Hmm
Localocal · 02/09/2020 22:05

I think if you DD is keen you should have her over after school. It should be no trouble to have another ten year old around. But arrange it with the mother not the child (!) And be sure to ask the mum what night would suit her since she will have to pick her daughter up. I would find the daughter's behaviour irritating, but if your daughter likes her and she is nice to her I wouldn't make an issue of it.

combatbarbie · 02/09/2020 22:05

I think YABU. All you have to do is arrange it once and specify when her mum has to pick her up. If mum is a CF and is late then don't offer again, simples. 10yr olds occupy themselves.

Mittens030869 · 02/09/2020 22:06

They obviously shouldn't be putting pressure on you. But that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be a play date. It just means that you need to make it clear that it needs to be at a time that's convenient for you. I've always arranged play dates via text messages with the mum, not straight from school.

SignOnTheWindow · 02/09/2020 22:15

@Longwhiskers14

Is there a chance that your DD is asking her friend to ask you? That's quite normal for children when they know their parents will say no if they are the one to ask...

This. ^ I suspect your DD is getting her to ask because she knows she'll get an outright "no, I can't be bothered" from you if she asks.

Agree this is a distinct possibility. I have heard my DD and her best friend plotting a similar plan of attack!

Mother is rude not to admonish her child for inviting herself over so forcefully, though.

SeaSandandSun · 02/09/2020 22:19

My dd is 10 and an only child. Her best friend is the eldest of 4 siblings. As soon as lockdown ended I was begging to take her friend as much as I could so DD would leave me alone! 😂
We had multiple play dates and even 6 sleepovers! Only 1 play date at her friends house. I would not of even thought to complain!

SeaSandandSun · 02/09/2020 22:21

Just to clarify... I had the kid’s at mine. I would happily feed another child just for the peace and quiet...

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