Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

OP does facilitate play dates; cousin and best friend lives across the street.

Presumably under the current covid conditions, that's also the most sensible combo anyway right now.

The child is very cheeky, the mother should stop her asking but I would arrange for her to come - in advance so no reward for being put on the spot - with her being collected from yours. If she's a cheeky brat at yours then never again.

Is your job unbelievably demanding? Do you live in an area where most mums don't work? Most mums around here do, so we've all just come from work. It's not unusual and really not a reason not to engage or to run away from 10 year olds.

Do you feel it's hard work because all playdates gave to be McDonalds and swimming? They really don't. This girl sounds like a pain, but she's your dd's friend and your dd deserves to have a friend over every now and then, not just her cousin.

IME the person whose child is at the play date always picks up. So I don't get why you think you would have to drop the child home?

Of course it's up to you OP. But if I were you I'd try to say yes sometimes, as your DD would like it.

It was rude to ask, that would have annoyed me but it seems your child doesn’t get to interact with anyone else after school except her cousin, which is only because it’s ‘easy’ for you. I don’t particularly like play dates but at 10 they usually just go off and entertain themselves so actually not really extra hassle. Also, most people are knackered after work but do it for their child’s benefit and so make the effort. Children at this age are very social and starting to plan their own social time, they’ve probably talked about it at school and are looking forward to it. Once can’t hurt and then it will be their turn.

But surely the other child’s mum will pick her up at the end of the play date so it wont be any extra work for you?
When my dd was that age I picked her up from school straight from work and often she would ask to have a friend around. I would take them home and get on with housework/ dinner whilst they played then the other mum collected their child.

@OverTheRubicon we don’t have a choice the hours we work. Dh has to go where the work is and I am on contracted hours. Otherwise we would struggle financially.
I wish we were in a position to not work as much so don’t make me feel bad for how many hours I work!
Dd isn’t stuck in her room she also does horse riding and swimming twice a week, where she is also social. Just because friends aren’t in the house doesn’t mean she doesn’t see friends. She also goes to after school club on a Friday where she plays all day. I don’t get why someone being in the house makes any difference.

First of all stop hiding from a 10 year old it’s a bit pathetic
I get that you are tired after work and don’t really want a play date but maybe occasionally you could just suck it up and let this kid come over? At 10 they will be no trouble and you should hardly see them. Tell the mum that you can pick them both up from school and then she can collect at 7 or whatever. Your DD obviously wants her there and unless she’s really awful then you should occasionally facilitate that. In return maybe your DD will get invited there and you won’t have to do pick up that day.
You keep saying that your DD has her cousin over and thats nice but she needs more than 1 friend so why not try and find a way to make this work?

I had this, I just said 'We can't as we have to get back for family things' on repeat.

You don't have to apologise and you don't have to invite people found unless you want to.

To be honest 10yr olds don’t really need entertaining so all you’d need to do is to cook a bit of extra food if she came over. Saying that I’m not sure I’d want such a precocious little madam in my home, and I can’t believe her mother doesn’t tell her off for her cheek

There’s really nothing to it. You take them home from school, feed them whatever you’d be cooking anyway, they hang out in dds room or watch tv, the other parent picks them up.

Although I might not invite this particular friend round as she sounds rude, it’s really wrong of you to only allow her to have outside contact with her cousin. She should be allowed to choose friends too. One play date at 10 sounds off. Poor dd!

And what’s a uniform got to do with anything?! Other parents work too!

So your DD is an only child and is only allowed to socialise with her cousin and horses?

I'm an only child and on the whole I love it and wouldn't change things but I have a lot of friends. When I was growing up my parents probably thought they actually had about 9 kids, they were always coming and going.

I do feel sorry for your DD, sorry OP. My mum was a nurse who worked nights, she wouldn't have seen me without friends because she was tired.

I would give anything for my DD1 (11) to have a friend who really wanted to come round to play here, so I would find a way to make it happen. (She never gets invited, as she has difficulty making friends.)

OTOH, I've also been in the opposite position with DD2 (8), who often has friends wanting to play with her. I've always enjoyed having her friends here to play, but I like to agree them in advance so I can put thought into what to do for their tea.

Your DD's friend is cheeky, though. My DD2 has been known to ask if she can go to a friend's house and I've always told her off and apologised to the friend's mum.

Just say I can only do that if mum picks you up?

I agree my parents were HCPs in physically and mentally demanding jobs and shift workers and always made sure, no matter how tired, that I had a friend round for a couple of hours once a week. It’s what you do for your kids, especially only children.

Is there some other reason you don’t want play dates? It sounds like you’re happy to take dd to clubs etc but just really don’t want another child ( other than her cousin) in the house.

I think you should just do it, I really don’t think it will be as bad as you seem to think it will be. If this friend has wound you up by asking then do it with another of dd friends.

Big smile “not today, it’s not convenient. Bye”.

God you sound awful!

Try meeting your daughters needs, just because she has a cousin to play doesn’t mean she doesn’t need friends.

Invite her over and see if there’s a reciprocal invite. One of you has to start the ball rolling.

They’re 10, they want to play. Not a big deal.

youre knackered

you cant be bothered

What about what your daughter wants? Her cousin might be her friend but she might like to have someone else over for some variety.

Id suck it up once a fortnight / month for the sake of your daughter.

Child was rude but don't make your daughter miss out for that.

I get that you are shattered, and it's horrible to be pestered, but this really isn't that hard. Just say to the mum, she is welcome so long as you can come and pick her up at around 6pm. Then leave them to their own devices and stick on some fish fingers and oven chips for their tea. No effort. And suggest that your DD goes to her house once a month too, to even things out, which allows you to come home to a quiet house and some down time before you have to drive over and collect her.

We're not blaming you for the hours you work, OP. We're just saying - is it really so hard to host the occasional play date for your DD? Make sure the other mum picks up.

I often see parents at the school gates in uniform, from Wilko and Primark t-shirt to hi-vis vests to nurse uniforms, and I never assume any of them must be so knackered I shouldn’t bother them. How are they to know how many days a week, or how many hours you work?

If you don’t want the friend at yours, why not tell your Dd that if the friend wants to invite her over there, she can?

I agree the friend shouldn’t be cheeky, and I’d expect her mum to pull her up on it, but you shouldn’t be hiding away from her, just tell her you’ll arrange it with the mum when it’s convenient.

If my dc friends parents never thought I could host a play date after work because I was in uniform they never would of had friends over as the timings meant I went straight from work to school pick up. Why would i bother going home to change?

Have you confirmed with your DD if she even likes this girl? Because if she's not interested, it's a very short 'sorry no' next time you're asked, with maybe a 'huh, interesting' for any follow up badgering.

But if she does want to see this friend after school, you tell her to get her mother's contact details so you can plan something in advance, on a day that works for you, and make sure there's a clear plan for the mother to do pick up at a specified time.

And if the child's a nuisance or the mother's more than ten minutes late - never again

I don’t get why someone being in the house makes any difference.

Really? You dont understand that it's nice for your dd to choose a friend (as opposed to family who she hasn't chosen) to her house, to play with her stuff, eat her mums food, see her room etc? Make the bloody effort OP. Working is no excuse - we all do it. You don't get extra brownie points for working. Single parents with several children work and manage to let their children have a social life and do extra curricular stuff.

The kid and mum do sound like brats though I admit. But I think for your child's sake you have to suck it up.

I suspect you've blown out of all proportion the effort involved tbh. The only effort you need to make is shoving a couple more fish fingers in the oven. And the parent picks up (why do you think you'd have to take the kid back?) Has your child never gone to someone else's house for tea and to play?