Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

[quote MrsBadcrumble123]@Ginfordinner WOW you sound delightful! Talk about kicking someone whilst they are down. I have never had my DS’s school friends for dinner because we have a massive group of family Kids and friends Kids who my DSs see multiple times a week they aren’t hard done by because some kid from school hasn’t been over![/quote]
Well don't you sound delightful

Perhaps you missed that DD is an only child. We don't live anywhere near our small families, and there are no family children close to her in age. So what do you suggest she could have done for company her own age?

Can't she collect both of them after school one day and you just collect her later? Then you do the same the following week? So it would be just the once in a fortnight.

I hate being harassed at school gates for playdates thank goodness kids get school bus so I don't have to deal with it. I do playdates tho. On Fridays only during term time as we are free & I'll do pizzas or something easy for dinner. They are always collected though & kids will get invited back to most & I'll collect them. My big ones are 13,11 tho so they disappear to xbox r out the trampoline I don't see them! However the Fridays suit I am off, no homework or activities, if I was harassed on a busy Wednesday if be like sorry no!

I would not take kindly to being lectured by a child. A curt "when we are able to host, we will let you know; in the meantime please drop the subject," is what she'd get from me.

Do people speak to children like this IRL... ?
It's like the queen is organizing a dinner paaarty!

She wouldn't be coming to my house ever No is all you have to say

Ds is an only so I make extra effort to facilitate play dates.

How old is the cousin?

Tbh if you finish work early enough for school pick up you should be letting her have friends round.

Yes, she has the cousin but even if they're close it's a friend forced on her by family ties. She needs to choose her own pals too.

Yes, she has the cousin but even if they're close it's a friend forced on her by family ties. She needs to choose her own pals too.

^This definitely. Also, family members do move away. My DDs get on really well with my DSis's DC, and they used to live near enough for visits and sleepovers. But then my DSis and her DH moved far away, for reasons that aren't the issue here (my DSis and I are still close).

The point I'm making is that if the OP is relying on a cousin for her DD's social life outside of school isn't fair on either girl. Because you can never know that circumstances won't change.

im so grateful dd on school bus
any friends coming over straight from school needs organizing with the school so bus driver knows there an extra, the extra isnt allowed on without BOTH parents permission

If some random kid tried to lecture me, id laugh "no not now, sorry" and a future date would never come

Is that because of covid squeekums? Or have school bus numbers always been strictly monitored? DD often used to bring friends home from school on the bus, but she always rang/texted me first to ask if it was OK. Or she went to someone else's house after school. The bus driver wouldn't have known if there were extras on the bus or not.

She did have one "friend" at primary school who used to invite herself round, but she was never rude. It was more" can I come and play at your house"? As she lived in the same village it wasn't a big deal to have her round for a couple of hours, then send her home for tea. I just used to leave them to their own devices.

2 different issues here

Little CF inviting herself over = NO

Little CF inviting herself over but we never have people over for tea after school. = YES
( if your DD is really keen)

Or

Don't invite Little CF but someone else DD chooses.

I think you have summarised that very well @sunglassesonthetable. I agree, the girl was rude, but I'm still inclined to think that this was set up by the OP's daughter who knows that if she asked her mum herself the answer would be no.

If the other girl is so desperate, why doesnt her mum invite OP's DD? It is because she knows what a pain her own child is and wants some peace.

AlwaysLatte Can't she collect both of them after school one day and you just collect her later? Then you do the same the following week? So it would be just the once in a fortnight
This ^^ so the other mum starts the ball rolling, not OP

I agree. I'm not sure why the OP's DD can't go to the other girl's house.

I feel that there is a back story here.

TBh sounds like the little CF has a CF mum.

I would say to this child, I have just done a long day at work & am not driving to X doing lifts. I'm sorry but my life does not fit in with your play time, I will try a find a day at the w/e when DDs dad is home, & will call you to see if this is possible.
Then let your husband bare some of the load

OP, before villainizing this (slightly forward and apparently overconfident) 10 year old child and her mother and cutting her off from your DD forever as a potential friend, please have a chat to your DD and work out what is going on.

Is your DD lonely? Does she have lots of good friends at school besides this girl or is this girl the only one? If so, why does she like this girl? Is she kind to your DD or is the 'friendship' an unhealthy one? Would your DD like to have other friends? Does she feel that she is missing out or excluded by other children? Is she invited to parties, for example? Does she feel that she could do with some help from you and your DH in promoting her friendships?

Also, start thinking about her transition to secondary school, which is going to be a scary time for her. It will be much better for her if she has a couple of good friends to hang out with at lunch and break. Are any of her friends from her present school going to be attending the same secondary? If so, purely to be pragmatic, it might be in your DD's best interests to promote those friendships rather than inviting this particular child round. Children don't need lots of friends, but secondary school especially is a lonely experience for those poor little 'soldiers' who don't have anyone to sit with or hang out with. Nothing you've said indicates that this is going to happen to your daughter, but given her age, it would definitely be at the back of my mind when deciding whether to invest in her friendships in order to save heartache later on.

Those are all excellent points @Minimumstandard.

@Ginfordinner if the OP never hosts playdates, she may have a reputation as a CF.

This is not really about the girl, it should really be about your daughter but it’s actually all about you.
You have an only child and you need to prioritise her needs but you sound like your priority is yourself. Limiting her access to friendships is wrong. Having a 10yr old over for a couple of hours is not enough trouble to get this worked up over. Put her needs before your own, this is your most important job.