Getting harassed for play dates at school gate

[Natureotter]

Dd is 10. I work full time six days a week. I finish work and literally drive from work to the school to pick up dad, in uniform.
One of dds friends walks with her to the gate and asks to come round all the time. She lives miles away in another town so can’t just nip over. She asked me again yesterday with her mum in tow and I was embarrassed and said no not today I’m busy and she stood and gave me a lecture on how another girl in this class’s parents let her come round and she’s been waiting forever to come to my house and it’s not fair. Her mum said nothing, fully expecting me to comply.
I’m tired after work, I have dinner to sort and all the usual after work stuff.
Dd is an only child so I do feel for her. Her cousin who is the same age comes round maybe twice a week as she’s over the road and we see them at weekends.
Dh works away from home so weekends are our family time, plus I work Saturdays so only really get Sunday.
I’m getting pissed off with this kid harassing me all the time. It doesn’t make me warm to inviting her over if she’s going to make demands.
Just before covid we had another friend round for swimming and macdonalds which dd loved but because I’m working all the time I just don’t have the time for it all.

I’ve told dd I will meet her at the car now as I don’t want to deal with this everyday.
Dd hasn’t been invited to her house so I don’t get why I’m being nagged.
One day she told her mum she was coming to my house when nothing was arranged and her mum came over to swap numbers etc and I had to tell her no I have plans.

I don't think @OverTheRubicon is "making you feel bad about working so many hours", quite the opposite. She's saying that unless you're in an area where most are sahms then being knackered after work is not unique to you, especially for ten yo girls who will not need you to do anything for them.

You do sound like you don't want her friends over full stop tbh. If it's just about this one girl and her mum, then fair enough.

I do feel sorry for your daughter. I was an only child and it was hard, sure I did clubs but it’s not the same as playing at home at your leisure with whatever toys you want. Perhaps your daughter hasn’t been invited because they’re embarrassed? I grew up on a council estate (no problem with them but as a child I felt embarrassed), our house was clean and well furnished but still, it was a council estate house. All of my friends lived in what I thought were ‘posh’ houses (in reality just regular houses decorated nicely). I always preferred going to their houses because I thought they’d judge me because I lived on a council estate. You just never know. I’d suck it up for the sake of your daughter, her and her friend obviously think a lot of each other if they’re constantly asking despite knowing their likely to get knocked back. I think you’ve made the decision to have an only child, making her every weekend ‘family time’ is a bit unfair in my opinion. There has to be some compromise if after school is no good for you.

It's cheeky to ask so YANBU in that respect.

YABU to never facilitate playdates for your DD though. I have a only child, I'm a single working parent and I do playdates for DS. The fact that you "can't be bothered" is a shitty attitude, we all work, you need to suck it up and make an effort for your DD if she wants a friend to come round. Stop being selfish.

The girl in question and her parent were incredibly rude, so YANBU.

However, YABU never having school friends over. I don't understand the "too tired" thing as your kid would probably be out of your hair when the friend was over. Ask the other child's parents to come and collect her so you're not doing the half hour drive.

While I can see that the child persisting (and the mum saying nothing) must be irritating, I also think you're being selfish and playing the martyr. I have no idea what job you do, but you're not the only woman at the school gates who will have put in a full day's work (or longer). If you're so tired you can't contemplate hosting a 10 year old for a couple of hours perhaps you need to look at your own health?

As PP have suggested, why not let her come round but on the understanding that her mum picks her up at an agreed time?

It's really important that children make friends in their own school. It's lovely that she's friends with her cousin, but this is no substitute for friends in her own context.

Yabu.

I don't love play dates but theyee for my kids not me. As long as this friend's parents can pick up, there is no reason why they cant just get on with it and you can just shove a pizza in the oven for their tea.
Your poor DD deserves to have her friends over occasionally.

Loads of parents work full time regardless of what uniform they may or may not have!

Tell her you're be in touch when you can but life's pretty hectic at the moment.

You don’t seem to want to take on peoples advice on board and just want people to agree with you to make you feel better about avoiding a 10 year old.

Suck it up for the sake of your daughter. If you daughter goes to hers then you’d probably moan about having to pick her up.

Its not an everyday thing and it would be nice for your daughter to have her friend over once in a while. Theh we’re probably really excited throughout the day to ask about a playdate.

You wouldnt be doing anything extra with her over. Maybe making a bit of extra tea but hardly much more, how much can a 10 year old eat.

Having your daughter choose what she wants to do after school is nice.

Haven't RTFT, but why can't you take the girl to yours straight after school and her mum picks her up later after tea? I never drop the kids off who come to ours - their parents always collect them. I feel sorry for your DD that you're so negative about even trying to facilitate her seeing her friends outside school. It must make her sad.

Aw, what a shame. The poor girl wants to play and seems like as an only your dd could do with it.
Has she been allowed to socialise with friends up until now, after school? It isn't your dd fault you work.
Can her dad not facilitate playdates.

I find my kids much easier when they have a friend over to play and at 10, as other posters say it's not like they actually need much supervising. Maybe you could try it once and see...

That said, the kid sounds like a brat and the mums attitude is a bit baffling

I think you need to start arranging some play dates. Ask your daughter who she’d like to have over in advance. Then she’ll be going back there every so often too. I dislike people in my house, but I understand that my children need it, so I grit my teeth and do it. But if you need notice to get your head around it, then that’s fine. Also make sure that it’s with who your daughter really wants to see.

Also agree that normal is that you take them for school, they get picked up after dinner.

*from school

Is it easier to have both girls at yours where they entertain themselves and you can chill, relax, cook tea etc or to have your dd at a friend's house where you have to go out and collect her? I'd rather host.

I refuse to be bounced into having people over from school. Dd knows that.

She's now going into y7 and they're free to go out in our village and the neighbouring one so my garden is now randomly full of people I don't know yet. Its much easier!

Well this kid sounds like an awful little snot and their mum is being as wet as hell. I would NEVER let my kids do that to another parent! So rude.

BUT it is about your daughter. And if SHE actually wants this little CF around to play I think you should TRY and sort it.

I think you are over egging what a play date is OP. It doesn't have to be about treats and outings. It's just like having their cousin over. A bit of a play, tea and home. Their mum needs to pick up.

Big Smile. . " Course you can come over, "
To the Wet Mum "what time can you pick up? I usually like mini OP in bed by ( time) on a school night." Smile.

Wednesday is a good night because it's def mid week and doesn't run on as a Thurs and Friday play date might. I think this mum will need as much managing as her cheeky daughter.

Don't make your daughter feel bad about her friend choices. Which she will do if she likes her and you moan about her. Her friends behaviour is not hers.

I don't think this is even about this one pushy, rude child OP. You work six days a week, basically a single parent as DH works away, DD is in clubs three days a week and cousin is over during the week also, it sounds like this one pushy kid at the school gates is just one small thing too far.

You sound like you are running low on time and energy for anything else, do you get any time for yourself at all? Is there anybody that could take DD and this other kid to the park or somewhere for a few hours just to give you a break and then DD gets her play date too?

I think you're feeling overwhelmed but I think a playdate a fortnight should be doable

Yanbu. Ignoring the issue of play dates for only children in general, it gets on my tits when children pester especially in front of their parents who say nothing. That child sounds rude as well pushing about how she’s been waiting ages if yours has never been asked round hers either. Ten is old enough to have some manners. I do think you could be more assertive about it though. If you don’t want her round, just say no.

YABU,

Your DD is an only, have the kid over to play, it really makes no difference to your life.

I never understand this attitude. Surely you knew when you had a child it comes hand in hand with their friends coming over to play

No one is criticising you for anything. It’s one play date and you are turning yourself inside and out trying to find reasons to justify why it can’t be possible.

You don’t have to do it but they are a big deal to most 10 year old girls so if you can get over whatever is stopping you then I would think it would be a nice thing to do for your daughter.

It may be that the annoying one is behaving like that because your daughter has asked her to egg you on a bit.

Working 6 long days a week is very tough OP. I’m not surprised you’re tired. I work 2-3 and with DCs it’s more than enough.
I’m a bit the “other mum” in this scenario (except I don’t push for my DD to go to someone else’s house). My DD is close friends with a child whose mum works long hours and always seems tired and grumpy. Her DD adores playdates but rarely gets asked anywhere because her mum makes no attempt to chat to other parents or to host. We have her to our house when possible but sometimes the mum refuses even that because she says she can’t return the favour. I’ve told her it doesn’t matter but she can be snippy about it. Then I’m stuck because I don’t want to be a harasser. So I leave it for a while before trying again. I’m aware I probably am being a harasser but IMO it’s worth it. If it’s a yes, my DD is delighted but the other child is absolutely over the moon! Talks non-stop for a week beforehand about a simple afternoon hanging out with her pal. It’s so important to them at that age - they’ll always remember those afternoons!
Could you explain to the other mum your work situation and agree to host provided the favour is returned? Or provided the other mum collects her child from yours afterwards? If the other mum still expects you to be the one doing all the work, then it might be time to steer your DD elsewhere. Which, yes, might mean inviting another child over to get things started. Once a month or so? As pps have said, they’re no trouble at that age. Put them in the garden (if you have one) for an hour, stick a pizza in the oven and bingo - a very happy DD!

Why can't she come over on the weekend? Plus if you work Saturday then surely that would be your husband at home. I am sure he can survive having two 10 year olds in the house. All he will need to do is provide food.

If you allow a play date at yours, the friends parent collects, the good news is they in return have your dad some point giving you a couple of extra hours after work to yourself. It's part of growing up, just seeing cousins isn't the same

I think you’re being unreasonable. The girl Is being a bit pushy but you don’t know if your daughter has asked her to. Mine are far younger but seem to make plans for play dates etc and then tell me about them afterwards. At 10, they should be pretty independent and wouldn’t be long until they are just meeting in a cafe after school etc. I really don’t know why you wouldn’t just allow her to bring someone home and get the mum to pick up direct from your house? It would probably be easier in many ways as your daughter would have a companion.

I was an only child and loved having friends over to play growing up. I think if your daughter has a friend that she wants to invite over then you should try to accommodate it every now and again, on the basis that the other child's mum collects her afterwards. What other effort does it really require from you?

If you're not careful, your 'can't be bothered' attitude is the thing your DD will remember most about her childhood. Having a cousin conveniently nearby doesn't excuse you from providing her with other opportunities for social interaction.