AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

[Pl242]

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

No one has to give you a reason. YABU for that.

As for deposits etc, YANBU I guess, but that’s why we only have parties at home. But yes if I had accepted an invite to a paid venue, I would feel it’s bad form to cancel on the day.

I have dislike for people who do this. It's just bloody rude. I get that there will be the odd rare occasion of genuine illness where a party is the last thing you're worrying about but most situations will allow you 20 seconds to send an apologetic message.

My brother and his wife bailed on my sons 2nd birthday because he 'couldn't pass up good skating weather' and she was watching a football match. They told me the next day. Family especially piss me off with party/birthday rudeness

Yanbu, people put low priority on children’s parties, despite knowing themselves the effort that goes into organising them and the huge deal they are to a child.

I agree with you it is poor form, unless for reasons such as illness.

I think some people are poor diary planners and so get double booked etc, and there are some who lack the ability to plan ahead at all. I wonder if sometimes it is people who have had a bad day/feel under the weather and cancelling something gives them some space/time or just one less thing to do.

I think we used to be much more bound by social expectations of etiquette and good form. Now that stuffiness has broken down but has made people self-centred and flaky.

I disagree that "no one has to give you a reason". Anyone with the most basic good manners would and yes, if you cancel on the day nothing other than a last minute crisis justifies a last minute cancellation. Good manners are unfortunately often lacking in these days of me culture.

My ex used to do this if it was his weekend he would bail or not turn up and then I’d get it in the neck from the parents when it wasn’t my fault.

I have never known anyone to do this. Really rude! If something more important came up there would be notice but would but even then I would be very reluctant to cancel childs party invite. Mostly out of consideration for birthday child/parents but also as my own child would be disappointed too.

My youngest child's school year seems to have a number of parents that do this....

One child parents accept invite, get reminded/chance to pull out few days before with offers of lifts to & from party venue. They acknowledge reminder, don't need a lift but don't turn up to party.

At £15-20 a child this doesn't go down well. They've done it to various parties and by year 2 were no longer invited by most..

Also annoying is ones that tell you can't go after party started so can't substitute or let sibling into venue for free...

I find it incredibly rude. I feel sorry for the child but there is 3 that do it regularly ...im not willing to loose out that much...

I've explained to my child why they aren't on the invite list and he accepts it luckily

I had someone text me an hour before my child's party, informing me that her child wouldn't be attending as they'd been naughty and she felt that "for once" she had to follow through with a threat. It was a small party so my child did notice the absence. I've had a low opinion of her ever since, for choosing my child's party as the time to start being consistent in her parenting

Totally with you, OP! It's very rude indeed. YANBU.

YANBU and in my experience they are the very same people who you had to chase up for a response to the invitation in the first place.

This happened to one of ds's friends. His mother had invited a load of kids from a football team not realising the time clashed with a match. Rather than let her know, which would have meant she could rearrange, they all accepted and then dropped out the day before when their team place was confirmed. I was absolutely horrified, especially as the party was a team based one. She ended up having to invite siblings of the remaining guests to join on the day of the party.

Due to Coronavirus ds had to miss 3 parties. I send cards and a voucher to the dc...
Just had a rescheduled invite.

A dressing up party. So the passing of costumes between 5 year olds.. Have passed again and don't feel bad...
Don't usually cancel. Do usually send dh with ds!!

YANBU. Last party I did had a few not turn up with no acknowledgement before or after the party

YANBU. But I’ve well and truly got used to it.

I hate this and it has happened more than once to my kids. One positive about Covid is it's given me a year to kick out the class parties and do smaller things every year now.
On the flip side though I once had to make arrangements to get an uncollected child home from a party because the parent had been arrested for shoplifting!!!

Aside from illness, there is no reason not to turn up for a child's party if you have RSVP'd. Not RSVP'ing is also really rude as well. How is the host supposed to plan food and party bags if they don't know how many children are attending? There's either not enough or a lot of waste, neither of which is ideal.

My son is not yet 3 so we don't have this issue yet, but I imagine as they get older it's not fair on the children either... They look forward to attending parties and having their friends at them so letting them down last minute is a shitty thing to do.

That said, I was quite sympathetic when my friend with toddler triplets bailed last minute on DS's second because she had gone into labour early with their (unplanned) fourth child. I was dreading having the three of them in the house anyway as they're all 'spirited' !

I once had a genuinely ill child on the day of a party (ear infection), Mumsnet had infiltrated my mind and I felt awful that he didn't go. I'm fairly sure they believed me, as I had 2 of my kids invited to the party and I took the other one (and presents and cards).
One mum just forgot my kid's birthday one year, she was mortified and her kid was in tears (another mum rang her during the party - I wouldn't have told my kid in her shoes).
I don't think you get people just not turning up if they actually host birthday parties themselves. It isn't something they see as important.

I think people don't always realise what other people's home lives are like. There could be financial reasons, domestic violence, the child could refuse to go, their could be physical or mental health problems, you really don't know. Assuming that people don't do things because they are rude, when really they might just have barriers to coming which you don't understand and which you don't deserve an explanation to. Inciting someone to a party does not give you a right to a response, or attendance, or an explanation for non attendance. That's the risk you take when you do parties.

FWIW I do do parties. I just expect that, for all the reasons above and all the ones I haven't thought of, that I will waste some money and have some extra party bags (we give them to people for their child's siblings or keep them for another party)

YANBU. I grew up believing that if you accept an invitation, you turn up unless you’re unable to due to illness, a family emergency etc. Changing your mind because you’ve since had “a better offer” or “don’t feel like it” is extremely rude.

This isn’t just about kids’ parties. My friends have many stories of being cancelled on for another offer. I’m not talking about large, casual gatherings such as a group of colleagues meeting for drinks every Friday after work, when they can make it. I’m talking about birthday parties and dinner parties that have involved considerable effort and/or expense.

I wonder sometimes if social norms have changed, and that this sort of behaviour is now acceptable.

People just not turning up "Just because" is rude. Full stop.
But also there are layers.
Realised one friend of dd1s regularly was a no show at parties. Found out from him as a teenager it was because his mum couldn't manage a present (single mum to 5 boys). And wouldn't let him go without one.
Another child who declined, then the day before, mum said they had changed their mind, so booked and paid. They then didn't come. Present and card on the doorstep. She was diagnosed later with autism.
So, yes flakiness is wrong and rude but as pp said sometimes you have no idea.

YANBU- that is rude and inconsiderate.

If genuine illness - perfectly understandable though.

Of course it's rude. And it's rude not to give a reason. And it's rude if that reason is utter bobbins.

Yes it is.

Obviously, it's sometimes unavoidable, but it's always happened way more often to my son whose birthday is at Christmas. People say yes and then decide they would rather visit Santa/go shopping instead.

It's really shit and the birthday child does notice!