AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

[Pl242]

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

Worst I ever had was a kid whose parent just never responded at all . I assumed they weren't coming. Parent phoned the morning of the party to say ' could we come after all?" I said yes, ran around making up an extra food box, party bag etc and then jud didnt turn up!...

I used to force people to double confirm and had very few no shows, I think because it made it too awkward! It’s so common though. My friends daughter had about 8 no shows to a 20 person party and some didn’t even say until afterwards. It’s very rude.

Some people have no manners, OP.

This would really grate on me, if I’ve said yes to something, even if I don’t want to go in the end I will force myself. My son has just turned four so I have all this to come but I’m already resigned to the fact he will rarely have a fully attempted birthday party due to his birthday being in the summer holidays.
Obviously genuine illness is a good enough reason and we of course don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. However there are some people who are just down right rude. One of my very close friends forgets mine and my children’s birthdays every year. The day of or after I get a message saying so sorry xyz has come up and didn’t get round to posting a card/gift. I have a bizarrely good memory for peoples birthdays so find it hard when others are not the same. As DH says though not everyone is like me and people have different priorities. I try not to let it bug me and I’ve got it down to just an eye roll now but deep down I do feel that people don’t remember as they don’t really care.

Appallingly rude, other than for illness/genuine reason, which should be explained.

I haven't come across it thoughout with my children's at all.

But I do believe if it was an issue it would be spoken about.
Paying 20 quid for an activity and having no shows would definitely be remarked upon.

If it happened to me the child wouldn't be invited again and I wouldn't have any difficulty in explaining that to my child.

Obviously it's not the child's fault...totally the parents responsibility.

I have a zero tolerance level for rudeness/flakiness.....no drama.....just no repeat arrangements once I have identified it.

Works for me.😁

YANBU, very rude and inconsiderate

The one time I had a party for my eldest, we invited 10 children, all accepted.
3 turned up.
He had spent hours with his dad organising an obstacle course and picking campfire food (lots of the children were from his Cubs group).
It upset him so much that he's never had a party since and he stopped going to Cubs.
It eventually got back to me that they'd just decided to make the most of the nice weather and go to the beach instead. Individually they all thought they wouldn't be missed....not realising that almost everyone else had the same idea.

My heart broke for my boy that day. He was so excited and it was very hard to explain to him why these people didn't come.

It's bloody rude. As to the nobody has to give you a reason nonsense... Of course they don't have to, good manners aren't compulsory, I suppose.

Very rude. It's all very well saying no one has to give a reason but I'd think twice about inviting again.

Yanbu.i have confronted mum's in tears after being treated like this.
And it the reason I only do parties at home now. I would have happily booked pricey parties, trampolining, Go ape etc but just find there are too many parents who don't rsvp/make a flakey last minute excuse etc.

Have told mine we are doing a family activity and bigger presents rather than a party this year though as it doesn't feel v responsible to throw a children's party at the moment

A friend of mine paid £250 for a play centre party for 12 friends at about 6 or 7 I think. Only 1 turned up, no explanations from most of them and her son was in tears. His mum ended up phoning a few people with older/younger children and had 5 extra turn up to make up the numbers.

Definitely poor form to bail on a party (for no good reason).

I must admit though, I once completely forgot about a party that DS had been invited to. In my defence though, it was one month after my then DH had an RTC and sustained a head injury and less than a week after my DD was born (born early and she wasn't well - yep, what a great month that was!!). I got a phone call from the parents the start of the party: I was completely mortified, explained situ (although they were aware of situation) and apologised profusely. I didn't feel safe driving there (sleepless nights in the month since the RTC and definitely since DD was born), but I felt awful for missing it (for the reasons that PP's gave about hardly anyone turning up to parties).

Thanks for the replies.

I know there will be instances when it’s for a hidden reason that makes sense. And in the main, a few drop outs won’t make a dent on the overall party.

But to me, it just usually reveals an inherent self-absorption. Like the example a PP made about deciding that it would be a better day for the beach. What about the child you’re letting down? Thinking simply about yourself and also hoping/assuming that others won’t bail too. It’s such a heartbreaking thought of any child at their own party with few to little guests there due to last minute bailouts.

I’m not sure I get the view that people don’t need to give reasons. Saying no off the bat is fine. Not giving a reason I would find a little strange, but would shrug off. But having actually said yes then bailing at the last minute without the courtesy to explain I still think is incredibly rude. The fact that this seems to be more commonplace is pretty depressing.

I suppose if a lot of adults think it's OK to flake when you've made a commitment it's going to pass on to their children's commitments

I know it is frustrating for someone to cancel last minute but sometimes life can get hectic, there are all sorts of reasons that someone might be cancelling that might not seem like good reasons but are actually very real to the person cancelling one of my friends has quite severe social anxiety and will cancel by saying that something has come up, or she had something double booked when actually it is her anxiety and she doesnt want to explain that. It's also possible to not realise you have double booked things - I am guilty of doing that quite often . I have also cancelled in the past when I've found myself shorter on money than expected and been too embarrassed to explain that as well. It is frustrating though so I can see why you would be annoyed.

My auntie booked a kids party for 22 children and on the day only 4 arrived as the others were busy, had badly behaved, forgot it was THIS week etc etc There was so much leftover food and it cost her loads because it was like £12 per head that she didn't get back. Never booked a place again just took close friends out to like cinema or a play place

I do think it’s really rude not to turn up for any reason other than illness or, perhaps, a sudden work shift change that couldn’t be predicted.

I’ve never done this.

I have had parents pull on on the day, or be unable to find the (we’ll know, easy to find) venue, but luckily it doesn’t seem to be that prevalent around our way.

It’s been really weird without the constant run of parties in lockdown!

@CarrotCakeCrumbs

I know it is frustrating for someone to cancel last minute but sometimes life can get hectic, there are all sorts of reasons that someone might be cancelling that might not seem like good reasons but are actually very real to the person cancelling one of my friends has quite severe social anxiety and will cancel by saying that something has come up, or she had something double booked when actually it is her anxiety and she doesnt want to explain that. It's also possible to not realise you have double booked things - I am guilty of doing that quite often . I have also cancelled in the past when I've found myself shorter on money than expected and been too embarrassed to explain that as well. It is frustrating though so I can see why you would be annoyed.

She could get around it by not accepting the invitation in the first place And if you double book "quite often" you just need to get your bloody act together, rather than using it as a valid excuse to be flaky. It's not. The things people use to justify their bad manners!

I also think the using it as a threat if your kid is badly behaved is ridiculous. Use something that only affects your kid, not a party someone has put time l, effort and money into, let alone disappointed birthday child.

Plus, I also think these people think “oh one less wont make any difference” and don’t stop to consider “what if everyone did the same?” They think they are special. It’s probably the same people who, if they do turn up, think it’s fine to try to add in a sibling as “one more won’t make a difference” / “they come as a package”

Yes. I will never forget my dd’s 4th birthday party.

We had arranged a soft play party with 8 children. On the day, 3 children turned up. Two which were family.

Everyone else cancelled that morning. I was gutted.

Dd still had a nice time but still.

Kudos to the soft play place though. They gave me vouchers for free entry for dd to use to make up for the other children not turning up. Couldn’t fault their service for that

On the other hand - one of the ways exh was controlling/ manipulative/ EA was that he was always trying to make me miss children’s parties or flake out when we’d accepted. I never gave in to pressure, but he could be an absolute shit about it. So I do understand that someone have domestic pressures that we know nothing about.

The "come as a package" kids never got a second invite from me. Can't stand that level of rudeness.

In fact, the ones I remember doing it never actually had parties for their own kids, so not only did they bulldoze their entire family into other kid's events, they never reciprocated a single one. Cheeky bastards.

If kids parties weren't so mind numbingly grim, people wouldn't cancel as much.

@Mistystar99

If kids parties weren't so mind numbingly grim, people wouldn't cancel as much.

Just say No thanks. How utterly childish 🙄

It's extremely rude and insulting. My ds is almost 15 and had a birthday party until he was in Year 8. Nobody cancelled at the last minute but I had to continually ask people if they were coming despite having had invitations. The worst though was those who didn't reply at all. How rude to receive an invitation to a child's birthday party and just completely ignore it. Some people just lack basic manners and decent social skills,Op. I just wouldn't invite those who cancel ( to do something else) ever again.