AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

[Pl242]

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

It's very rude, it pissed me off too. It's not difficult to make a note of your plans on a particular day. It's really shitty of someone to think it's acceptable to say that they've since made other plans - it's like a massive middle finger to you. I wouldn't invite them anywhere again.

I just don’t understand flakiness or double booking. Write it in the calendar! I also don’t get when people don’t reply to an invite.

We had a few people just not show up to our son’s birthday party. They were away watching Christmas lights switched on and just let us know after the party. Honestly, I would have preferred that they let us know earlier so we could have invited someone else’s

I had a load of people not turn up to a birthday party as a child - turns out it was the day after they returned from a residential school trip I hadn't gone on and they were tired etc. It was horrible and the worst birthday I can remember (DM had hired a DJ in the church hall but it was almost empty) . As a result, I have always done parties at home with DS so when people have not turned up /bring an extra sibling it hasn't been a big deal and DS has enjoyed every party so far (age 8)

DS has only had 1 ‘proper’ party (he’s still at pre-school). For that, we had one child who never RSVPd- but I felt I needed to cater, just in case. Then another family turned up with the invited child and three step kids! I wasn’t impressed- they should’ve asked as it was soft play at a sports centre, we were at the maximum number of children already, and I didn’t have enough food.

We did have a party once when we wished they had bailed!

DD was having a big party for birthday and to say goodbye to her friends as we were moving abroad. Neighbour children arrive and quickly look mopey. Eventually they say they are going home as they had a sickness bug (which their mum had known about!).

Thanks for that! We had to negotiate an international house move with a sickness bug. No chance of putting it off as everything was booked.

I agree OP. I accept that there can be financial or domestic related reasons but general flakiness is a crap excuse.

Parents are expected to remember so many things related to daily school activities that they must have worked out how to organise themselves by Primary school, so the ‘can’t be arsed at the week-end’ brigade seems like another version of selfish to me.

I find the ones that palm off siblings to be just as annoying. One parent turned up with an older and a younger sibling and scarpered and was the last to pick up, an hour later than requested. Her youngest (5) had SN and needed constant supervision and the 10 yr old was very badly behaved, bad language, trying to break the toys and grabbing all the food before the other children had sat down. I didn’t say anything though because I know mum is constantly stressed by her children and as it was only a few hours, maybe she really needed the break?

I also don't get why parents have to stay at parties. This wasn't a thing at all when I was a child unless the child had additional needs.

My daughter has a friend who has only turned up to one in about 5 birthday parties so far. Funnily enough the one she turned up to was the riding party, maybe the others weren't worth it 😂

It depends, a parent may accept an invite assuming Covid19 guidance is being adhered too and then find out it won’t be.

Unfortunately it’s really common where I am.
Had a party last year and invited the whole class. Did party bags and sweet cones for all attendees and the dreaded pass the parcel.
We had people cancel on the day. People not turn up. And my favourite a parent that didn’t reply, turned up with 3 siblings and took party bags for all 4 kids.
Really puts me off doing it again.

If you RSVP to an event then you should attend unless for some reason (e.g. illness) you absolutely cannot.

Getting a better offer or not being arsed are not valid reasons to skip on a promise to attend a birthday / wedding / whatever the event may be.

We bailed half way through a party when DC1 fell asleep during the noisiest disco ever. Turned out to be chicken pox.

I’m quite reliable under normal circumstances though.

It’s rude and thoughtless as is not replying to invitations in the first place. It’s not just children’s parties either. I had a couple who didn’t turn up to my wedding and have never given a reason or apology. My friend had someone cancel by text two days before the wedding and gave no explanation. They’ve all gone down in my estimation.

Now that stuffiness has broken down but has made people self-centred and flaky.

Why refer to good manners as 'stuffiness', the implication is that you approve of poor manners.
Hopefully anyone who experiences this selfish attitude of not attending at the last minute for no good reason keeps a note and remembers the next time to exclude that guest

Hmm, I had to cancel last minute on a party a couple of weeks ago. I had written the date down wrong - for the Saturday instead of the Sunday - and only realised two days before by which time I'd already bought timed/dated theme park tickets for the Sunday which clashed with the party. I immediately messaged the mum to explain and apologise; I also dropped the gift round but I didn't consider cancelling our day out in order to go 🤷‍♀️

Yes I agree it is rude. My daughter's best friend has a birthday party during the summer holidays. She had to cancel one year because my daughter was the only guest who confirmed! Another year my daughter was the only guest to actually turn up.

So you chose that you’d not be out of pocket, but it’s ok for the other mum to be

100% AGREE WITH YOU - SO SO RUDE! (REAL, GENUINE REASONS FOR NON-ATTENDANCE ASIDE)! AARGHHH!!!!

Still very rude, but be thankful they at least let you know. I’ve had parties where the guest just hasn’t bothered to turn up, and not even given me the courtesy of a text or call.

@PotatoHead2020

Hmm, I had to cancel last minute on a party a couple of weeks ago. I had written the date down wrong - for the Saturday instead of the Sunday - and only realised two days before by which time I'd already bought timed/dated theme park tickets for the Sunday which clashed with the party. I immediately messaged the mum to explain and apologise; I also dropped the gift round but I didn't consider cancelling our day out in order to go 🤷‍♀️

What's the 🤷🏻‍♀️ for?

Years ago, DS's favourite friend couldn't come to his party due to illness. The friend's mum (who I barely knew) popped along with the card and present. It was such a considerate and kind thing to do, and made DS really happy as he knew his friend hadn't forgotten him.

I invited a child to my ds party...in a venue which was £16 per child. She was a single mum so I said if it was easier for her she could bring her other child. She said yes. So I paid £32 in total for her kids and she didn't show up! No text, nothing. On the Monday morning school run, she gave me a half hearted apology. So rude.

🤷‍♀️ because I agree it's not great but I didn't feel I could cancel out family day out, costing us £££ in order for one family member to attend a 90 minute at home birthday party. If it had been an expensive out of the home birthday party what would I have done? I honestly don't know, aside from general manners I like the birthday family and want to continue to be friends with them but it was an honest mistake - I've never cancelled on a party before.

If it was a full class type party for a child who is not a best friend, if there wasn't a date for rsvp, I would not rsvp until the weekend before so I had a better idea if we had something better to do other plans.

This would avoid having to cancel. A last minute on the day cancellation without good reason is poor manners, they could have at least gone to the effort to make one up!

I guess part of it depends how it's done. If the parent made a special effort to drop of a gift or card beforehand, and made a big fuss of them when they next saw them, I'd be less bothered.

But just cancelling and not giving a reason is awful. Especially the serial offenders. Just decline in the first place if you have little intention of going.

My SIL is a massive flake. She suffers from depression but seems able to do lots of lovely things as a family and with certain friends. But 50% of the time will cancel family get togethers even if she's the one who's organised it. I think she's probably gotten in the habit of it and as such I don't bother anymore and take any invite with a pinch of salt or decline it before she has a chance to flake on me.