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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s poor form to bail on a child’s party at the last minute?

196 replies

Pl242 · 30/08/2020 09:26

I’m really intrigued as to people’s views on this. It has happened several times to me when I’ve arranged a party for my children. I’ll get a message on the morning to say that little Timmy won’t be able to come after all. And not for an understandable reason such as the family having come down with a D&V bug overnight but just that they now have other plans/something has come up/they’ve realised they are double booked etc.

I find this really hard to understand and it makes me cross, particularly on behalf of my child who will be disappointed. But also for myself who has just wrapped up a pass the parcel for the right number of guests, bought food, paid a deposit for final numbers etc!

I know it annoys me as I wouldn’t do it to someone else but if you think it’s not unreasonable to do this, then why? I assume people who do this wouldn’t care if anyone cancelled on them last minute? Do people who do this just not like to be constrained by plans and just want to be constantly spontaneous etc? Genuinely curious.

OP posts:
latticechaos · 31/08/2020 11:35

This reply has been deleted

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PerveenMistry · 31/08/2020 11:39

@latticechaos

fulfill their end of the bargain

Satire hasn't died I see. Seriously, no one can be this much of a prig.

Your inability to partake in this discussion without repeatedly insulting other members just shows you have little of substance to contribute, lattice.

Do you not believe that both hosts and guests have responsibilities when it comes to civilized, reciprocal social relationships?

GrumpyHoonMain · 31/08/2020 11:39

Just don’t invite them next time.

latticechaos · 31/08/2020 11:58

Do you not believe that both hosts and guests have responsibilities when it comes to civilized, reciprocal social relationships?

Honestly, I'm genuinely surprised by this level of formality about kids parties. We just don't do this, and most of the parties we accept aren't like this. We would only pull out if something came up, not because we got a better offer, but it has not upset me when someone has given backword to our parties, no.

I'm not sure I have any 'civilised, reciprocal social relationships'. Am I missing out?

Pogmella · 31/08/2020 12:02

Surely no one can be holding a big party at the moment though?

PerveenMistry · 31/08/2020 12:06

@Mintjulia

It's really simple, if you accept an invitation you go along, unless there is a really good reason why not in which case you explain and try to give as much notice as possible.

Very well said.

No-showing for frivolous reasons and/or with zero effort to communicate with hosts is just inconsiderate and rude, period.

Toothsil · 31/08/2020 12:07

The only circumstances under which I would ever do this, would be illness or a real family emergency. I always think what if everyone else does it too, and the poor kid is left with nobody or hardly anyone at his or her party.

PerveenMistry · 31/08/2020 12:08

@latticechaos

Do you not believe that both hosts and guests have responsibilities when it comes to civilized, reciprocal social relationships?

Honestly, I'm genuinely surprised by this level of formality about kids parties. We just don't do this, and most of the parties we accept aren't like this. We would only pull out if something came up, not because we got a better offer, but it has not upset me when someone has given backword to our parties, no.

I'm not sure I have any 'civilised, reciprocal social relationships'. Am I missing out?

Basic consideration for one's hosts is not "formality." It's the rock-bottom expectation. Regardless of the nature of the invitation.
latticechaos · 31/08/2020 12:30

I am considerate, but I would cancel if something came up. If I wasn't considerate we wouldn't get invited back presumably.

1304togo · 31/08/2020 12:33

Of course it's rude!

If I got a message like some here (double booked but only told on the day of party, "couldn't pass on skate weather", watching football, wtf?!) I'd message back "hah, good joke, you still planning to be here by 2?" Or whatever... And if they didn't show up I'd just blacklist them from future parties and stop putting in any effort for get togethers (e.g. keep play dates at home, not special prep).

I cannot believe how unthoughtful some people are that they wouldn't just make up an excuse like feeling ill!

I got mucked around by flaky friends myself in previous years, fuck if I'm goi6to let my kids think their &my time isn't important these days too.

Minimumstandard · 31/08/2020 13:26

I have a few friends who have what you might term "chaotic lives" for one reason or another. Of the two I can think of offhand, one travels frequently at short notice for work and one is trying to cope with 3 kids under 5 on her own and is not well. So we know when we invite them that they may not be able to make it and that's the basis on which they accept the invitation...We don't mind because they communicate with us and don't simply not turn up.... If you really want to accept an invitation but aren't sure you'll be able to make it, at least let the hosts know you're a "maybe" not a "yes". They may not mind, but it's polite to give them the choice to invite someone else.

MulticolourMophead · 31/08/2020 13:57

@Pogmella

Surely no one can be holding a big party at the moment though?
Basic consideration applies to anything you've been invited to, though.

Cancelling at short notice for a better offer is seriously rude, whatever the occasion is. Or just not showing up, etc.

notanothertakeaway · 31/08/2020 16:35

@latticechaos

I am considerate, but I would cancel if something came up. If I wasn't considerate we wouldn't get invited back presumably.
"I am considerate, but I would cancel if something came up" doesn't sound very considerate to me! What you're saying is "I might come unless I get a better offer"
mummydoingamasters · 01/09/2020 20:21

@1304togo

Of course it's rude!

If I got a message like some here (double booked but only told on the day of party, "couldn't pass on skate weather", watching football, wtf?!) I'd message back "hah, good joke, you still planning to be here by 2?" Or whatever... And if they didn't show up I'd just blacklist them from future parties and stop putting in any effort for get togethers (e.g. keep play dates at home, not special prep).

I cannot believe how unthoughtful some people are that they wouldn't just make up an excuse like feeling ill!

I got mucked around by flaky friends myself in previous years, fuck if I'm goi6to let my kids think their &my time isn't important these days too.

@1304togo

I'd have loved to send your response (to my brother and his wife) but they didn't even tell me until the day after said party.

This year he improved on last years 'uncle of the year' level and completely forgot my daughters first birthday which is the day after his. I brought up what happened at my sons birthday last year he said 'I'm not ruining my whole day for 2 hours at an inconvenient time, it's a waste of a day'. This is why my kids don't know who he is. He's expecting his first child in November and said he won't care if I forget it's birthday.

mam0918 · 18/09/2020 11:58

its rude but we often get the opposit

I also hate how everyone leave it to the last minute to RSVP, we send out invites 5 weeks in advance due to it falling in the school holidays with and RSVP date of a week before and we get maybe 1 or 2 replies in the month and then like 15 on the very last day to RSVP and we every year get 3 or so people who RSVP 'sorry for not replying, can we still come?' the day before or the day of the party when everything is booked paid and sorted and its too late to add extra party bags or food etc...

TheCrow · 18/09/2020 16:47

Last year for my daughter's birthday we booked a gaming place (Xboxes and ps4s set up with comfy gaming chairs, big screens etc) and she invited 5 close friends who she knew liked gaming. Not a single person rsvp'd beforehand which I could forgive as I know it's a usual occurrence but not a single one of her friends turned up at the party. How long does it take to send a text message?! If you have a good excuse, or even if you don't, at least let the person know you don't intend on going! I would have happily taken 'watching the football sorry' over just not showing up without any kind of contact first.

mam0918 · 19/09/2020 17:49

@TheCrow

Last year for my daughter's birthday we booked a gaming place (Xboxes and ps4s set up with comfy gaming chairs, big screens etc) and she invited 5 close friends who she knew liked gaming. Not a single person rsvp'd beforehand which I could forgive as I know it's a usual occurrence but not a single one of her friends turned up at the party. How long does it take to send a text message?! If you have a good excuse, or even if you don't, at least let the person know you don't intend on going! I would have happily taken 'watching the football sorry' over just not showing up without any kind of contact first.
did you actually get in touch to ask if they where coming?

I would never assume someone that hasnt RSVP'd was coming (is it pretty common knowledge that no reply = no attendance... although you should try and ask anyway incase the invite got lost or the reply didnt send etc...)

I certainly wouldnt wait and see until the day - at a certain point its the hosts job to chase replies and if no one had replied especially for such an intimate party I would have personally reached out to check

BloggersBlog · 19/09/2020 20:20

@TheCrow

Last year for my daughter's birthday we booked a gaming place (Xboxes and ps4s set up with comfy gaming chairs, big screens etc) and she invited 5 close friends who she knew liked gaming. Not a single person rsvp'd beforehand which I could forgive as I know it's a usual occurrence but not a single one of her friends turned up at the party. How long does it take to send a text message?! If you have a good excuse, or even if you don't, at least let the person know you don't intend on going! I would have happily taken 'watching the football sorry' over just not showing up without any kind of contact first.
That is shocking! Your poor daughter. Did you speak to any of the parents after about it?
ZeldaFighter · 19/09/2020 22:07

I think it's very rude. Parties generally have a minimum number of 10 and a price per child. If your child doesn't turn up, the host is out of pocket. Now with more experience, we invite the siblings if the parents are willing. If there's a no-show, they get in free; otherwise siblings join in the party but parents pay :-)

TheCrow · 20/09/2020 15:13

I wasn't able to get in touch with any of the parents as I didn't have anyone's number or contact details, DD handed out invites in school with my number on. I wouldn't assume that no reply means they're not coming, a few years previously we had her birthday in a village hall and invited 30 kids, out of the 20 that came only around 5 had RSVP'd to say they were coming, the rest just turned up on the day. I understand that sometimes invites get lost or whatever but I find it pretty hard to believe that all 5 of them did and none of the kids told their parents that they'd been invited to a party

mam0918 · 21/09/2020 10:42

@TheCrow

I wasn't able to get in touch with any of the parents as I didn't have anyone's number or contact details, DD handed out invites in school with my number on. I wouldn't assume that no reply means they're not coming, a few years previously we had her birthday in a village hall and invited 30 kids, out of the 20 that came only around 5 had RSVP'd to say they were coming, the rest just turned up on the day. I understand that sometimes invites get lost or whatever but I find it pretty hard to believe that all 5 of them did and none of the kids told their parents that they'd been invited to a party
I have been throwing birthdays parties for over 12 years and never once had a guest show up without RSVPing... thats really not normal

I have had families bring extra kids (siblings) who werent one the invite and as said before people replying after the deadline asking to be added but never people just randomly showing up + occasionally the odd child has agreed to come then cancelled or not shown up but you litrally CANT plan most parties without RSVPs

many need to be booked per child and often have maximum/minimum numbers + you need to know how much food to provide, what size cake, how many party bags etc... number of guests is the bare minimum infomation you need to know

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